I can understand why you can't forgive, yet...it takes time...for some, not months, not just years...but MANY years...it is a self-work in progress...the forgiveness isn't about Mark or anyone's to do nor work on. It is YOURS to work on. And you'll forgive in your own time. (((Hugs)))

understanding suicide....hmmmm...IF anyone can truly understand it, I don't think anyone would be here in this them forum...even for those of us that want to do "it"...

I question why the urge would be so strong some days and why I CAN'T fight them myself, some days...so I wish I have the answer for you or anyone, unfortunately, I don't...

Did you know Spanish Moss, Lara, and a deceased member (Tam) saved my life many years ago??

The day before they intervened (They didn't tell me til years later), I went bowling...I bowled the BEST game I ever did in my whole life, I was having fun with my league mates, if I'd gotten through with doing it that night and the police would've interviewed anyone that'd seen me that day, they'd say, "I'd swear there was NOTHING wrong with him!"

I was laughing, smiling, joking, but deep inside, I was dying...trying to enjoy my last moments on earth...

so, of course, thanks to the intervention, I didn't get to do anything...I was angry at first, but so grateful afterwards...that was the last time that I actually TRIED anything...it's only been urges since then...

but I look back sometimes, at why was I laughing, joking, smiling, bowling, and went out that day instead of just doing it as soon as I woke up?

I can't tell you why, I can tell you this, it was blurry the whole day, I didn't even remember what I did most of the day...

I think there is a mental blockage when it comes time...

Sorry for wanting to get into this...

I guess coming to this forum, we are all looking for some sort of answers, some sort of consolations, and some sort of release...

as my wife, Spanish moss has said, her brother killed himself and few years later, her first husband, chose the same that her brother killed himself to take his own life...

what were going through their minds???

If you can't go to the crisis center and you need to crisis yourself, please stay with us...

I can understand SI, I used to SI...it's a release, and I can see when even SI doesn't work anymore, you have NO MORE outlet to go. You are like a steaming pot that has the lid locked, and you are ready to blow, and all the SI you can do is NOT creating a HOLE for you to vent...

but think about your brother for a sec, think about how he had hurt you, your parents, and others that care about him...

you don't want to do that to your parents...you are right, you need to stick around, not just for your cute dog, for your parents...

but for yourself as well...

the hurt will go away...even if it is just temporary...nobody is ever happy all the time, nobody is ever hurting all the time, and you WILL come out of it...

because you are a STRONG, WONDERFUL, SPECIAL person, and you've found a bunch of STRONG, WONDERFUL, SPECIAL people in this here them forum...

Abbie is there struggling with you, and she is your emergency buddy RIGHT NOW...don't abandon her....

and then there are those that truly care about you...don't abandon them...

but you are right, suicide IS a selfish act....if you ever get to THAT point...

nobody, but YOU can stop you...and if YOU can't stop you...

think about Mark again...what would you say to him to STOP him...please say those to yourself...

stick around ,kiddo...stick around...

check in to a crisis center if you need to...I know it's a hassle...but it is a worthwhile hassle...but if you absolutely don't want to...

READ HERE...SIT ON YOUR HANDS...

the URGE...will pass........(yes, it might come back again, but we'll deal with it again another time...)

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

( I was coming back to edit but I decided to leave this post completely raw...it is my raw emotions cause I CARE about you...we ALL do...)

bumping up for BJ

I can’t sit on my hands anymore. The urge is too strong. I didn’t sleep at all last night and walked and walked trying to shake off the urge. Poor Hooper didn’t know what was going on but I didn’t want to leave her alone so I took her with me.

I cut because it makes me numb and I think I deserve it for what I did to my parents but I think I just went too far. I cut again and it hasn’t stopped bleeding for two hours. I feel so alone and just don’t want to move on in life any more but I don’t want to go to the psych hospital either. I’ve been praying to God all day to help me through this, sitting in my garden with my garden angel and begging forgiveness from my parents for not telling them about the note. I was just trying to protect them, I didn’t want them to know that Mark “knew” what he was doing. They would have been devastated if they had known

(((BJ))) Please don't sit in that garden as long as you did last year and get covered with mosquito bites.

I wish you would go and have that cut checked as well if it needs some stitches.

You don't need forgiveness for what you knew and know. I can't even imagine the number of 'secrets' that family members keep so as to not hurt someone else. You did it to protect them. Let that thought go from your already filled up thought processes because you deserve happiness. Please don't let it upset you anymore. They aren't upset, we aren't upset, and everyone knows why you did what you did.

Depression is so ugly and saps us of our will to do anything, including living.

I saw something Alffe posted to someone in Depression and want to share that with you...It was from a friend of her's from the Braintalk SOS days, before I ever showed up there. (I hope it's okay to share your post, Alffe.)

Love you BJ. Hugs.

Dear Me BP,

At some point you will be able to forgive yourself and your brother.

Right now I want to be safe. Go to the hospital.
They might not admit you. They might patch you up and send you home.
You need some attention.

If God showed up and spoke to you right now what would he / she say?

In my mind (such as it is ) God would want you whole and tended to.
Wholeness. You are a beautiful person.

Mari

Just praying for some relief for you from all that pain you have held onto for so long. I know your brother and parents would be so grately saddened to see you this way and I can't imagine how Hooper would cope without you. He would be just as grief struck. I am glad to see you are posting and able to talk about this and I hope this puts you on the road of mending. Hopefully you are taking care of your "owies" too. We are all thinking about you and sending our love. God bless.

Just thinking about ya

Numbing is OK. I can understand that. There are a few of us that are SI's here so we can understand about being numb. Numbing is a form of release...

But it is NOT ok to keep on letting the wounds bleed. Because then it becomes something else totally...

it's called a slow torture...and I don't think you are affiliated with one of those religions that says that you have to torture yourself in order to repent, right???

There is nothing wrong in wanting to PROTECT your parents...we ALL do that...we all try to protect the ones that we love...and yes, a lot of the times, we really shouldn't but heckit, we do it anyways because we are human beings and we have feelings, emotions, and LOVE behind our irrational reasonings...

no one on this earth has been able to decipher how and why human beings should act. We are all each unique different individuals...

but we are all bound by one of the greatest thing of all...

LOVE...

you did it out of love, and love and hate are borderlined...

when a love is so strong and it goes sour, it can turn to hate and anger real quickly...

right now, your mind is jumbled into so many things and you are loathing everything including yourself...

so, like everyone suggested, please look after number one for now...

YOU...

Let me ask you this, what if Alffe posted that she has cut herself and let herself bleed, what would you say to her?

What if wren posted and said that she has put her hand against the hot pot and has scorched herself and don't want to go get checked...

what if Doody's strong suicidal ideations takes over and she has posted she is on her way to a bridge and she is going to drive herself over the bridge?

what is BMW has posted that she has roasted herself (OK, I couldn't resist that, BurntMarshmallow...LOLOLOL)

what would you say to them???

Say the very same thing you would say to them to yourself...

If you really want to give up, there is absolutely NOTHING that any of us can do...but we are NEEDING you to NOT give up...

if you give in, then you are saying that Mark did the right thing...and I KNOW that you don't believe that...

sorry I just have to be so raw...cause we care...

Well, there will be no earpulling tonight moi because you have once again got it just right!
BJ, ~sigh~ you know how much I care about you...you know that I think of you as Bizi's sister, which makes you a daughter of mine...so I guess I'll talk to you like I would one of my daughters...

You are back in that hole...and you need to walk down a different street...there are predictable circumstances that trigger feelings...anniversary dates are always difficult to put it mildly!!! And probably losing a loved one to suicide is the worst thing that will ever happen to you.

I read an interesting thing that I'd like to share with you...Grieving is a process that ebbs and flows. Even the most deeply bereaved mourners have feelings that move to hopefulness and relief some of the time. We want to overcome and survive the darkest tragedy. If you remain mired in unchanging gloom, with no relief, you may be using your reaction to this tragedy to avoid confronting other things that may be troubling you.*

And what can I say about cutting...I guess I understand why you do it.....*sigh

I think you need to see your T. and talk some more...

I don't forget that I love you.

*Healing After the Suicide of A Loved One...
by Ann Smolin,C.S.W., and John Guinan, PH.D.

B.p.


I send healing to you B.P. sometime when a person sense something hard /difficult that can make them not want to "Move on in /or with life"
Dont get over whelmed trying to look at whole picture at once... Baby steps .
I know its hard but try to look ahead not back. we care and luv ya... you gotta care and LOVE YOU TOO!

I am kinda new at this but i hope you can feel my healing wishes for you and my prayers of peace. Get those ouchies checked out pretty please
BMW