So glad you are home dearheart....sounds like you are expecting the same weather we have been warned about here.

I can only imagin how happy Hooper was to see you....And you take Baby steps as David would say.

So good to hear from you!!! So glad you are back with Hooper too. You two have all evening to catch up and love each other. Please write more when you can and just have a wonderful relaxing evening in YOUR home

BJ
so good to hear from you

First I want to thank you all for talking me through it when I was so down. I was feeling so alone and didn't know where to turn. I'm sorry for putting you all through that.

I know I have a long way to go but it’s so hard when you’ve been through what I have. I spent 7 days there and I feel like I’m not any better off than I was. No I’m not suicidal now and all it did was get my Lithium up to a therapeutic level much quicker and wait it out until the thoughts went away. I don’t remember much but I didn’t take my lithium and that’s what sent me spiraling.

My pdoc never met me there like she promised so I had to talk to the on call psych and go through all the “Are you suicidal, do you have a plan?” They gave me 4 stitches in my arm, cleaned it up and started antibiotics because it was infected. After 6 hours of lying in the ER I finally got moved. They started giving me thora? something and Valium to bring me down. I don’t remember much of the next day at all.

But then reality set in where I was. I couldn’t sleep for fear of what might happen while I was sleeping. They make you shut off the lights, TV and close the doors at 11PM. And it’s just darkness with a complete stranger. They make you go to 3 group sessions a day which I can’t deal with but I had to go to get a “happy” point. What’s a happy point? It’s a little game I made up and you get a “happy” point for going to sessions, smiling, etc. That’s why it’s such a joke. I don’t do well in group settings and they know that so I just sat there. I felt like I was in that show I watch sometimes when I can’t sleep on Nick at Night, the Bob Newhart Show. The few times I did meet with a pdoc not much went on. He said I was like a China doll ready to break. He just would say how do you feel today and blah blah blah. I know I disassociated because I didn’t feel comfortable there at all. But apparently I accumulated enough happy points to come home. Now I start a “partial hospitalization” program as they call it and have to spend four hours a day in intensive group therapy.

I've always been a horrible decision maker, takes me forever to make a decision and almost always when I make it, I'll regret it soon afterward.

I wish I could finally make the decision that I will live, I will not commit suicide eventually like Mark did, not follow in his footsteps. I have to keep that decision to live locked and never waver from it. I need to pull myself up instead of just lingering as I have recently. Make some darn progress and if they can’t help me then say so and I’ll find someone who can. I mean, if I’m to kill myself eventually, what’s the point of working so hard and making progress now if it'll all be a waste? So I have to keep fighting it day in and day out and shake off those demons in my head.

I have decided one thing though and that’s I’m never ever going back there again. Something happened and I couldn’t say anything for fear of losing my happy points. I’m more traumatized now than before I went in but for fear of not being able to come home, I didn’t say anything because I was terrified to. Tomorrow I see my regular pdoc and I’m afraid to tell her for fear she won’t believe me. But I'm home with Hooper and can sleep in my own bed without any fears.

((BJ)) It's so good to hear from you and thank you for that!

Of course we all care, but you already know that.

Hey, I don't like group sessions either. Well...it depends on the reason for the 'group' session. I went to a weekend long 'group' session but it was a spiritual group with a wonderful woman leading the group. I've spoken of her before. She's in Colorado and her name is Diana Keck. It changed my views forever.

But a group session with other people with problems for the 'shrinking' doesn't appeal to me at all. If I'm going to therapy, it's with a damned good therapist. I SO wish you could find one. I lucked out. Wherever you are, can you check around and sort of go through what I call an interview type process? And try to discover a really good and compassionate therapist in your area. I swear, they are worth their weight in gold. I've even been thinking about going back to mine, it's been years. And I need a serious tuneup.

Lady sweetie, take those meds! Maybe in the hospital they had you on thorazine? Yes, I think that would knock you for a loop dearheart. But you probably needed that.

I don't know what happened that frightened you, but you are at home now, back on your meds and will soon see your pdoc. I'd be awfullyyyyyy tempted to comment on your doc's absence at the hospital because you were counting on that. I can only assume being a doctor that something came up that made it difficult.

Hon, I really think you need to scout for a good therapist, I really do.

Get one of those daily pill box thingys and put out all your pills for the week in that box and don't forget them.

And you rest tonight with your sweet Hooper. How excited the little guy must have been to see you.

Where is my magic wand? There it is. I'm going to wave it over your head and pray for you to have a good night, sleeping with your gentle furbaby next to your side.

Bless you BJ, and thank you so much for checking in, as hard as we all know that can be at times.

Hugs and much love.

And Oh, don't feel embarrassed or bashful! I understand what you are saying, but we aren't feeling embarassed for you for any reason whatsoever. You were in dire straights that called for immediate action and help. How impressed I am with you that you went through with it.

Bruna sends puppy kisses and tailwags for both you and Hooper.

BJ...have you read Kay Jamison's book, An Unquiet Mind? I've always said it's the bible of Bipolar illness. Bizi posted a link to Dr.Jamison giving a talk about her illness and her taking lithium.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxRLap9xLag

It's long....about 20 some mins. but it's excellent.
Maybe tomorrow you can take a look at it.

Sleep well...it stormed here and scared Cooper half to death. I hope you didn't get rainned on when you walked Hooper.

BJ,
I'm so happy to find that you are home... I just got back from the train station picking up my daughter. Its been a crazy day for sure.... I understand why you are embarrassed, but you are with people who love you here.... You have nothing to feel embarrassed about with us.... Give Hooper a big hug and have sweet dreams tonight... I'm so glad you are home!!!
vicky

I'm glad that you are out of there. That thora was thorazine. I've been on that years ago. It's part of the Major Tranquilizer group. That's what they use to group it as.

I don't respond well to psychologist,"How did that make you feel," stuff either. My Psychiatrist doesn't use that term. That's part of the current teaching in psychology. When I feel like someone's quoting a book to me,or a teaching,or technique,it doesn't do much for me either. Brokenfriend

Dear Girlie,
Glad that you are home...hospitals are scarey places...and you need to tell your pdoc a couple of things.
1- that you were disappointed that she did not meet you at the hospital.
2- You need to tell her what happened to you there.
she needs to know it and yes she will believe you.

Please try to remember what happened,
why did you stop taking the lithium?
It is important that you refresh the specifics to what happened that led up to this crisis.
How long had you not taken the lithium?
WEre you conscious of this?
I do believe that you had become manic.
PM me if you don't want to discuss any of these questions....
I just think this needs to be addressed.

Remember...the out patient therapy is to help you.
Try not to pretend....no happy points there...show what you are feeling, be present, allow yourself to participate, you are worth this....it is hard sharing and it is important to try like you said.
WE are here for you...lean on us....talk in the group like one of us is there for you, they really do want you to help yourself.
THis is hard work and you are worthy of this effort.
(((((HUGS)))))
love bizi