boy, how do I say thank you all for your replies...

I posted this cause I didn't wanted anyone to worry...and also to explain why I would be "quiet" for awhile...

This forum is unique in that all of us coming here, have been affected by this monster one way or another, directly/indirectly even remotely...

like Dave said, the many faces of the suicide...

I find myself to be one of the faces that is not unique but I am unique in the fact that I like to "vent" out loud...

it helps...if I have to rationalize it with images. I'd compare it to sitting in a steam room and the doors have been nailed shut...the the steams are building up and building up and building up...and any hole or fissure at this time to let some air in helps...

the ONE thing that I don't want to do, is become a "burden" to anyone...so please know that you never have to reply to me...and that I am just simply Venting...letting it out...

that is because I know you care...that is one of the few MAIN difference that has helped me tremendously from the past...the distinction of former self and current self..

that IS, I KNOW how and what love is...now...

I also know what self-love means now...and that helps...

my current state, is such that I have been feeling like I've been down at the bottom of the well, and each time, just as I have climbed up and my hand just about reach the top of the well and I can see a "ray of light"

something would push me down again...and there I am again, at the bottom, again, and again, and again...

and it's like the first 30 times, you have the energy, you have the hope, and you say to yourself, I am OK, I am going to be OK...

but then you start to lose strength, and you start to lose hope, and you just can't see the sunlight anymore

what's I am even more afraid of, is to drag down people I care about to the bottom with me...that's the hardest part, actually...how to fall down alone is one thing, dragging someone else down with me is totally unacceptable...

but I know that I will climb out, eventually....

and finally, there is the part that I totally know that my situation is not unique...that a lot of us go through what I am going through...

I think I just voice it louder, and perhaps I am voicing it for someone else also..and that in itself..is healing..

((((((BIG HUGS))))) to everyone...thank you for caring...

I will be OK...and I want YOU, to be OK as well...

together....together....we'll beat it...don't stray too far....

if I may quote who moi..."together...together...we'll beat it...don't stray too far......I think I remembered that right. That really jumped out at me, because we tend to stray mentally and emotionally when that ole beast starts to bring us down, then we stray away from here, not feeling like reading or posting, not feeling like we have the energy, or, even possibly, that we belong. There can be many reasons for this...so I use that as a barometer, when I want to stray then I know something is not right, and that the beast is working on me. And I have to find out what it is that he is doing so I can make corrections. So I can fight! ...don't stray too far...because the love and support here are healing, and the beast does not want that. Even if we just lurk, it is helpful, so, at least, I have found. So, for those who are fighting, please don't stray too far!

dear mist, you said it exactly the way I was thinking it...so you said exactly what was on my mind...and you did a mucho better job than I did...

yes!! Even if we were to just lurk...it feels "safe" to just read...the trick is to NOT to stray too far yet NOT get too addicted (LOL)

thanks!