My sister was informing me again to go to social Services,and move out. I find myself Overwhelmed. I'm sorry. It's the truth. I wish that I where stronger.

She called me out of the blue a month ago,and again Wednesday,and left me a message on the answering machine. She is forcing this on me,right in the middle of when I cannot handle it.

Part of the State government(Department of Mental Health) is working with me,and they are slow as molasses. I've been seeing them since March. I was going to see a therapist for the first time this Wednesday,but she canceled the appointment until next Wednesday.

My case manager is not working aggressively to help me with the Housing situation. She said the paperwork has to go through. It took me about three months to see a Nurse Practitioner. In all of this time,my money is going down,and I'm waiting for Social Security Disability. I don't know what will happen if I loose. All of this scares me.

My sister calls me every time they get a copy of my bank statement. I now have under two thousand dollars left of my 401K,and the economy looks bad,and I'm worried that I may not get any help at all.

My Social Security Disability hearing is suppose to be in February. I called my Lawyer,a pastor,and emailed my best friend. My best friend was hoping that my sister didn't mean it,but after the second call,he said she's being cruel.

I think that they are going to move a tenant in where I live,and move me out. These circumstances are crushing me,and I don't know what to do,and I can hardly believe that family is doing this to me,when It's obvious to them that I'm in bad circumstances,and have emotional problems.

I just don't know what to do anymore,and I feel emotionally wiped out. At times I don't want to be alive anymore. This is pure misery,and I don't want to go through this anymore.

The 1990's was the only time in my adult life when I can say that I felt alive,and I felt joy,and I felt like I was on top of things,and I felt intelligent. After the 9/11 situation,things started to turn. In the last two years things got worse. In the last month,things started getting worse. Where does it stop? I've got pains in my chest from anxiety,and I'm tired of being like this. I have panic disorder,OCD,depression,and I'm tired of it all.

Recently I have felt like I'm shutting down. My interests,and my hobbies are not interesting anymore. I've never gone through these many problems like this at once. I can't turn to my Dad for the first time in my life,because he doesn't seem to care anymore. I think that my sister has caused a division in my family. She divides,and since I moved up here,to live in there other house,because they where trying to help me at that time,she has done nothing but divide,and disagree with me on just about everything. Is this me? Is this a sibling thing where she want's to be the big sister who is right about everything? All I know is she's angry at one person after another. Now she's angry with me.

She has MS,and I'm sorry that she has MS. I tried to help her. I tried to help clean her house,but she didn't like the way that I did it. Then I tried drive to the cleaners for her,and do things like that. She didn't want me to do that anymore either. She was giving me a little money for that ,but she cut that completely out last February. I don't know why,she doesn't seem to like me. Now she is casting me away into a bad economy,where I have no idea what's going to happen.

This is truth. Please pray for me. I don't know why,but I miss hearing that everything is going to be alright. I stoped drinking many years ago.That helped relax me before,but I became dependent on it. So I stoped drinking. I'm going through this problem with only the medication,but it's not helping enough.

I read the Bible through,and through. That helped me allot for awhile. I prayed,and prayed,and prayed.

I'm now embarrassed to step out the door. Is this my fault? I'm all alone,and I cannot seem to get enough help. Are people in this Town talking about me? They don't seem to be to friendly. My brother in law doesn't talk to me. I don't think that he likes me,and now evidentally he doesn't care about me. I'm a human being the same as he. My sister is a human being,and I'm her brother. I cannot help the fact that my illness is in my mind,and I'm emotionally ill.

Am I making a fool of myself writing this down? I'm starting to loose my sense of humor that I was just starting to get back. I wish that this was over. I wish that there wasn't so much shame,and pain involved in this.

If you are physically ill you get help,but when you are emotionally ill,people can reject you,deny that you are ill,call you a nut,or a flake,and it's not fair. Whatever this is is real,and I've had it since I was around 13,and evidence of it before.

It's caused learning problems,and I've flunked two grades. I heard them saying all kinds of things about me when I was growing up. They've told me over the years some things that I did when I was a kid. I told them ,don't you see, that was the beginning of my OCD. That's not stupid,and that shows OCD. That stoped the laughter,and it was the absolute truth.

We are not in the Dark Ages,and we are in the age of information,and discovery,but still I am looked down on because of my emotional illnesses. It's not fair. Brokenfriend