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((((BJ))))...you have given me the courage, and permission, to share my own nightmare. I'm not well enough this morning to type it out. But I will, later. For now, lets just say, I hear you. I have to be able to detach myself a little bit. And I have to feel comfortable in the circle. Yes, David, yours as well. You ALL amaze me.....

I treasure our friendships. I'm so glad that this forum exists. BF

You are a treasure BF. Happy Thanksgiving to you also.

....and a happy Thanksgiving to you. BF

I am bumping this up, just to remind us all, not that we really need it. I also hope it will bring out a certain someone that I am missing dearly....lets keep love, and hope in our circle... we don't have control over all of our life circumstances, only over the life we dare to live, despite it...

Oh thank you for bumping this up. I never came back and read the posts that came after my post. I will apologize now for the length…please stay with me…

((((To all those in the circle)))) BJ, you really need to know that angels are always round about us. The place which in my religion calls the spirit word isn't somewhere out in another universe, its right here. I don't know how to explain this without sounding stupid or crazy.

I myself know that I have angels with me always. I could never do the things I do for my Olhipie if I didn't have angels with me helping...giving him the extra push. I think anyone who cares for someone can feel this…Nikki…Sandy…and many others.

I’m going to tell you a story…true story but maybe what I should call a parable.

The Olhipie and I love to go to high school football games. We have three schools in the valley here so there is always a game every Friday night. Because most of the bleachers were built back when I was going to school, back before there was dirt...lol...any way...the bleachers usually are not wheelchair accessible. Two of the schools have put in new bleachers on the opposing teams side and they do have a ramp so we go to the other side to sit. So we are the only ones cheering for the other team…its ok the Olhipie is tuff!

Well, this story is getting to long and I have probably lost a few of you by now. If not here goes…well we always notice that sitting around us are parents usually of the boys playing but there is always a small but vey spirited group of kids there to cheer their team on. They never stop cheering…they never sit down during the whole game they just keep going.

Here is my point. I know without a doubt that we all have a group of angels that are with us all the time cheering…or praying for us all the time especially on those days when maybe we don’t feel like we are winning the game.

In my room I have a picture of some handcart pioneers that are pushing and pulling their carts in the deep snow wondering how they are going to make it to the top the next hill. But, what they don’t see is the angel that are next to them pushing and pulling helping them to get to the top of each hill.

I know without a doubt and I have said this many times that we always have what I call my cheer squad with us every moment of everyday.

I love the circle of friends…all of you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Think of us all as your angel cheering squad.

What a beautiful post Tammi....thank you!

....thank you dear tammi...I would not be here if it were not for angels...

Truth, if we can just see, and experience, then we will know. Sometimes, it takes adversity for us to learn it. His plan is so much bigger than we can fully realize at any given moment. We get a taste of it and it keeps us going.

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu, fourth century B.C., Taoist philosopher.

It’s so hard for me to acknowledge that people do care, that people do love me. When Mark committed suicide my dad absolutely hated me, no he despised me. Why? I have no idea and now that he’s gone I’ll never know but I think it was because I wasn’t his son. I used to bang my head against the wall in my bedroom closet to take out my frustrations. Then one day he was drinking, heard me, came upstairs into my closet and helped me bang my head against the wall until he broke my nose. That day I lost my brother I also lost my family, my mom was just a shell of herself, and she mourned day and night. I know she loved me but she hated herself, she blamed herself for Mark’s death.

After my dad died, my mom and I relished in our friendship, our love. We sort of renewed our mother-daughter relationship. We spent many hours sitting in our gardens just talking and listening to the birds. Then she was taken away from me, the last person on earth who loved me. By the time I got to the hospital she was gone, I never got to say goodbye. I can’t help but think I’ve done something terribly wrong, that I shouldn’t be loved, I don’t deserve to be loved, there’s no one left to love me. It's awful being alone.