Handling the Holidays


Do what you think will be comfortable for you. Remember, you can always choose to do things differently next time.

• Think about your family's holiday traditions. Consider whether you want to continue them or create some new ones.
• Remember that family members may feel differently about continuing to do things the way they've been done in the past. Try to talk openly with each other about your expectations.
• Consider whether you want to be with your family and friends for the holiday, or whether it would be more healing for you to be by yourself or go away (this year).
• Keep in mind that sometimes the anticipation of an event can be more difficult than the event itself.
• If you find it comforting to talk about your loved one, let your family and friends know that; tell them not to be afraid to mention your loved one's name.
• Some survivors find it comforting to acknowledge the birthday of their loved ones by gathering with his/her friends and family; others prefer to spend it privately.
• Some survivors have found the following ritual helpful for a variety of occasions:
  Light two candles, and then blow one out. Explain that the extinguished candle represents those we've lost, while the one that continues to burn represents those of us who go on despite our loss and pain.
  Simply leave the one candle burning (you can put it off to one side) for the duration of the holiday meal or event. The glowing flame acts as a quiet reminder of those who are missing.
• Above all, bear in mind that there is no "right" way to handle holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays. You and your family may decide to try several different approaches before finding one that feels best for you.

From the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention

Alffe thank you for posting this. I have read and re-read it many times along with other such pieces. It isn't much help, but I imagine nothing could be right now.

I wanted to comment on the candle "ritual" I think it is a nice idea to light a candle, but I don't like the fact that you blow the one out that represents your loved one. I didn't like it when I saw it on the webcast either. We decided not to do that. Instead on Thanksgiving we lit a single candle and left it burning. We placed it next to his picture, I liked it better.

What "feels" best for me, and what I would truly like to do is go away somewhere and be alone. That isn't going to happen though!

*grin...it didn't really do much for me either Nikki but I figure they are the professionals and it might help someone.

How about this............

First Holiday

We lit a candle today,
To fill the empty place
where you should be
but aren't...

I stood with my hands cupping the flame
and felt the heat...
the energy...

empty space between the fire and flesh
Nothing visible
Nothing to see..

And yet I knew it was there -
the energy touched my skin.
And so it was with you today.

Nothing visible -nothing to see.
And yet I knew you were here.
Your energy touched my heart.

by Sandy Goodman Author of Love Never Dies

for Nikki .......

Ok, yep that did me in!

((Alffe)) That was beautiful and I thank you for sharing with me I agree, that reading these things are important and it may help someone. It did help me the first time I read it. It's "charm" has just worn off

I am going to copy that poem and share it with my family when we light the candle at our Christmas gathering. I could relate so much to it. I kept looking to that flame all through dinner, it did bring me a measure of comfort. Again, Thank you

I received a copy of the letter my neighbor is sending out this year..she felt that she had to thank their friends and family for the support they've received since their son took his life last March...and ours had a personal note on it that brought me to tears. She said this was hard enough to do but could not send out Christmas cards.

I'm relieved to have news of her and I know that she'll be so glad when this first year is finally over.

((Alffe)) I am so glad you heard from her. I know you were worried. Poor dear, my heart breaks for her

I got this today...it would definitely be closer than going to Madison, Wisconsin but I'm still old...*grin

http://view.email.globalcloud.net/?j...65077877147976

I'll have to think long and hard.

I think that many people hide their thoughts and plans of suicide becaue they are ashamed of it, just as Mistis talked about being ashamed to cry. It's smart to always pay attention to the little things...the questions and words which seem out of place, or a subtle change in personality. We all have things we do which we don't want to share with other's, right? Well, for some, suicide is just one of those things. As much as we think we need it, we're also afraid of being judged as a wimp just for mentioning it to anyone, or worse, being patronized or made fun of. And some people are just so darn good at hiding their feelings. It often comes as a complete surprise because of that.

Thank you for bringing that up Idealist. I have been wanting to bring this up for some time now and just haven't. It took a great deal of courage for me to post my pic. I really didn't want to do it. But, what I wanted people to see is that that is the 'face' of suicide. Someone may look at that and would wonder, why????????? I am very good at hiding my feelings, and my pain, both emotional, and physical. I can feel really really bad, and people won't see it not even my pdoc, or the counselor, and psychologist that I use to see. They don't see a problem. In fact, they usually start to tell me about theirs. So funny, but not really. This is not a strength, I don't think. To them I appear strong, and confident, while inside I am dying. Something I need to resolve.

I so agree with that Idealist...suicide can be such a conversation stoper.
And being judged just sucks!! But!!! We have to talk about it, we have to let people know how much pain we are in...no one can help us if they don't know how we feel. What's a little embarassment on both sides of the conversation compared to the possibility of finding some "hope"...that elusive thing with feathers..*grin and there is always the possibility that in sharing what we are feeling...we might find some support.