((hippiechick)) I keep thinking of you today:hug: I hope you check in, I do worry about you. I know it isn't "just" the season that has you so down, but I also know the season DOES exasperate these feelings. As ((Addy)) said you are not alone in this........ many of us here are struggling right now, me included. We can help each other :hug: Keep talking, we are here for you. I am here for you:hug:

I just need to add something I kept erasing earlier.... I was not blessed to be a parent, so I truly do not know how it feels to have your own child hurt you so, but I can imagine.:(

I am a product of a "broken home" so broken, I had to spend over two years in foster care. I know parents do things that can and do hurt their children. But, I also know, nobody wins when grudges and resentments are held onto. It takes work on both sides, trust is rebuilt, love is reborn. For me, even stronger than before. Family to me, is the single most important thing in this world. It will hurt to heal, it always does, but it soooooo worth fighting for. IMHO

Much MUCH love :hug: Nikki

I'd like to say that I'm going to be a "survivor" but at this moment I'm not sure I can. I left out last night that the son also asked why I don't just die and get it over with because the world will be a much better place without me in it. And he asked if I had dementia....well, no, I don't exactly....it's just with the MSA, nothing works quite right....that really hurt as much as the rest, I think. So, I'm awake right now, after a day of taking meds and sleeping, waking up, taking more and sleeping, waking up, taking more and sleeping....now I'm ready to go back to sleep. Makes it a little easier, I think; who knows? Yes, I appreciate that you think you care, but if someone who has known me all his life hates me, I don't believe that anyone else can. And right now I don't really think I want anyone to love me. I went through the same thing as a teen and it was about 10 years before I would even like anyone, much less love them. Maybe it's just where I am right now because I had a friend tell me that she loved me earlier today and that made me throw up....go figure that. I don't understand anything at this point except that I do not want to be here. And I'm stuck.

I'm so glad you've decided to be a survivor however temporary that might be HippieChick...as demonstrated here, a lot of people worry about you, care about what you are going though and are sending prayers and positive thoughts to hopefully help you.

I'm sorry your son has chosen to hurt you in this way...he sounds very immature and hurting himself. And we will continue to love you here...I'm afraid you're stuck with us! :grouphug:

...I have posted replys on your personal page, for now...:hug:

OK, enough of this crap....I've slept for 2 days and even that's boring!!!!! I guess I have to pull myself out of this somehow and go on. I mean, if Alffe says that I'm stuck with you, then so be it! Guess you're stuck with me, too. I do have to say, though, that this has totally thrown me for a loop and my heart truly doesn't feel like it's there. It's not so much that I even care about the son and definitely the dil - just the grandkids. I have no idea what she could have made out of the conversation and told them. That's the hardest part. But I have a lot of nieces and nephews and even two great nieces. (That part comes from having been born an "oops" baby with MUCH older brothers and sister) so I guess they can "take over".....no, it's not the same, but it will have to do. Anyway, today is better, although I'm totally wiped out. Tomorrow will be better than today, I trust and, eventualy, it'll be over. Hubby and I are going out of town the day after Christmas because, of course, we will have Christmas day with his family. His dad turned 80 this week and he's our big papa.......his birthday party is this weekend. These are going to be hard to go to but it will be good, too, that life goes on, even if some people choose not to be a part of it anymore. Thanks for sticking by me when I've been so awful the last couple of days or so. Yes, I do love you, all, too. Why can total strangers stick by a person when your own blood can't? I've never understood that, yet I've found that all my life. Just proves that water's thicker than blood!

Oh I'm just wild about you HippieChick! soooo glad it's some better and there is "stuff" to look forward to. :hug: :grouphug:

((hippiechick)) I wanted to reply earlier to your other post, but found I couldn't. I am soooo grateful to see your post today :hug: I'm wild about you too :D You ARE a fighter through and through, no doubt about it! I am happy that you were able to fight the dark, and yourself ,to make it to some light.:hug:

I like being stuck with you :hug: And hey, there are worse things to throw up from than being told you are loved ;) Having said that, I do hope you don't toss your cookies when I say I am glad to see you today and that I love you:hug: Nikki

Hey, Alffe, isn't an "young senior elder" member an oxymoron?????? And I'm just wild about you, too. Of course, I tend to run to the wild side anyway, I guess. At least lately.... It's been a really rough time the last couple of days but, since I really don't know what said dil said and I don't know what I'm fighting against, I guess I just have to let it go. Tomorrow my hubby is off work and I'm getting out of the house, hopefully. Not buying Christmas except for my FIL whom I adore. And hubby's only sis (we're the same age) is off work for the rest of the year...and I are making plans to take the train to see the Christmas lights, do lunches, etc. So, I'm not wasting time over something I can't change.....so there...boo-ya!

Sorry, I forgot to write to Nik...cookies are totally tossed. I could possibly take a chance on love, oh, alright, I love you, too. There, it's out, I'm a softie.....I can't stay down for that long. Who's the heavy duty pray-er out there, cause I'm thinking I must be surrounded by something! I tried and tried to sleep today and couldn't sleep. I still can't eat, but that's okay, I know it's coming sooner or later. I ate about 3 or 4 bites on Thanksgiving; I just have no appetite....I think I'm hibernating!!! It's like this every now and then. But yes I am a total fighter....have the gloves and everything to prove it...except that it's too cold for the shorts right now so I'm gonna have to fight in longjohns or something really heavy. I really hope you start feeling better. And I hope Lynn doesn't get sick. Did you get him to go for a walk with you? I remember when I used to work at the convent and took my 3 little nuns out for a walk....so funny. They had such a good time - they had no idea of what was going on out in the real world but they prayed constantly while we were walking. At least they kept me safe. I have to believe that all 11 of them who died while I was there are looking over me now. I loved them to pieces. They were like my best friends and absolutely hilarious. I probably have never laughed harder in my life and have nothing but the very best memories of them. I miss them so much because they became so much a part of me, and the sisters at the convent now are still a very big part of our lives. I don't see them that often, but they call and come out now and then and one of them and I have birthdays close together that we celebrate every year. Oops, ramblling. Penalty....sorry. More later. Anyway, I guess you know I'm better. Hugs

boo-ya? LOL...my life is maybe is an oxymoran. *grin..it's late and I'm off to bed...you have really made my day Hippie.. have fun tomorrow and you need to know that I LOVE trains!!