Firstly welcome back MOI.......missed you around

talking is key to everything...yet at times the hardest thing to do.
The words are there in your head..even your throat..but they dont come out. WHY?

I often wonder if embarressment plays a factor in human health....and personal issues....

There are lots of taboo's in human life............things as children we are unconciously told not to discuss...keep private.
Call it a social ettiquate, or just no-no's..................as children we develop a sense of normality from what we see and hear from those around us, as children we do not question our parents and elders because we believe what they say is LAW.

yet when we become adults we percieve things in our own way...with hints of the morals instilled in us.

I joined the Ryal Navy at 16 years old...........one because my dad was ex Army...my mum ex Royal Navy along with one brother and one sister ex Royal Navy...........so i felt a little pressure you could say to join up.........

My parents advised me to join the armed services as it was a career, a roof over my head, and would help me grow up.

I joined also to get away from home................a very strange environment to me......i never felt included and was often the centre of arguments not of my making.............

looking back i was always sensitive.........at 13 i tried to hang myself.......i think it was because my sister was driving me mad..........but it was amature in attempt.......and quite ridiculous when i think about it........

but it told me one thing............i could not express my emotions verbally............the doctor put me on valium..but my mum would not allow me to take it saying i was just seeking attention............


When i did join the Royal Navy i found it hard to mix with older men..who were much brasher than me..........i had been somewhat suppressed from growing up...in at 6pm...in bed at 9pm up to 16 .............and was not that street wise.


When the Falklands war broke out although i was not down there, I LOST FRIENDS I KNEW...............i became very guilty that i survived..........it has truly never left me.

I left the RN and drifted for years throughlife and numerous jobs.never settling down until i was about 28.................drinking became my confident.....and still i could not openly talk of things i felt inside.

All my life even in a crowded room i have felt totaly alone......it is what i learnt as a child and find it hard to break the habit.....when your lonely you tend to dwell on things.......and the mind has a marvolous way of convincing you that everything you think is fact...............

in 1993 when i seriously attempted suicide..........my mind was in turmoil...confusion...and sheer panic mode..................

in the last 15 years i have had many bad days..........days when the world around me looks black...evil..unkind.....

BUT i have learnt in those years to TALK..............

When i feel ill i talk to my wife...doctors...strangers...samaritans...myself.. .the moon...anyone or anything...........because if i let out the words the thoughts become less dark...if the words are out i do not implode.................


also for 10 years social services [learning disabilities] and 6 years in current role with homeless young offenders.....i talk about all taboos......

mine are not all gone...but there out in the open for general discussion.

ITS NOT EASY TO TALK CANDIDLY HOW YOU TRULY FEEL, TO EMPTY THE SKELETONS FROM YOUR CUPBOARD FOR ALL TO SEE.
ITS PAINFULL TO FACE YOUR FEARS WHEN YOU FEEL THEY WILL DESTROY YOU.

BUT IF YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR LIFE.............YOU OPEN THE DOORS FOR OTHERS TO COME INTO YOUR LIFE...........NOT ALL WILL WANT TO LISTEN, NOT ALL WILL HEAR WHAT YOU SAY............BUTEQUALLY THE WORDS ARE NO LONGER IN YOUR MIND THAT DAY, THAT MOMENT THAT SECOND............

EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE DUMPING IS VERY HELPFUL...HARD TO DO...BUT EXTREEMLY HELPFUL.


may i say a huge thank you to BMW MISTIIS NIK-KEY, ALFFE, and you Moi fr talking so openly about a subject that speaks volumes, yet often has the sound turned down.


David

((BMW)) I am so proud of you
How brave you are!!! Thank you for opening yourself up to share with us.

I knew about your family , and your friends And it still breaks my heart for you

What I didn't know, and the reason I couldn't write yesterday, was how alike we were in our thinking after we were diagnosed.............

Lord, it is never far from my mind, but reading it from you just brought it all back in a rush. I have said for years, the first thing I feel upon waking every day is pain... the second, is guilt. In the beginning, the first two years, that was the hardest. The pain was worse than anything I could imagine, and the guilt was eating me up inside. Almost 10 years later, and I still feel this way. The pain is still as bad, but I have learned to hide it better. I imagine you do the same.

I am so grateful you had a doctor who helped you so greatly. I am so proud you fought for yourself, for your life! I can't have a stimulator but I am so happy you are finding some relief from it You do help ((Tina))!!!!!!! I think you are like me in that I needed to not only find a way to live with this pain, but I needed to find a "purpose" for it as well. The only way I made it, was by reaching out and helping others who are where I once was. What a gift it has been for me.

I also didn't know we were both diagnosed in 1999 either...... I do wonder about the angels that connected us Much love Angel friend of mine Nikki

((Moi)) Firstly, that was such a lovely post. You made me blush and you made my heart sing, thank you

I believe we are all making a difference. I see it every day here. You have all made a difference to me. You gave me a safe place to express myself. You gave me the strength to hang on. I honestly don't know where I would be today, had I not had you to share some of my heartache with.

I like what you said, "it is what it is", ONLY if we allow it.

And I want to thank YOU moi, for all you give to me and others. You open up and share, and you too DO give others strength to try another day. You have helped me many times


((David)) I have said it before, and I will say it again....... you say so much with so little words. I enjoy reading all your posts and thank you for sharing your insights with us

You are so right that there are so many taboos in our society. Many that lead one to desperation and depression, and sadly too often suicide. There are many things I wont share with people because they are just too private, but Dad's death isn't one of them.

I loved this.........
I keep thinking back to the first couple months after Dad's death. The first month I thought of nothing but going to be with him, the second month I was hurting just as badly, but the difference was... I found all of you! I found a place I could share some of what was eating me up, I was safe here. I could get those thoughts OUT, and it was a Godsend!

Much love to all of you We are survivors, hear us roar!

"We are survivors, hear us roar!" ......yes, we are. And I have survived, yet again...thank you (((moi, david, nikki, bmw, alffe)))...and those of you who pray for me that I may not be aware of, or that my foggy brain can't think of this am.....

Yes, Yes, Yes, to what you said David....so true. Well, all of you. I will get through this so I can continue to help others. I'm just in a 'healing crisis' if that makes any sense. I will continue to post more on the forgiveness thread when I can. Hang in there everyone...you are loved....

I'm reading here with great reverence and a few tears. We are sharing the "pain of too much understanding"....it made me run for my very tattered copy of The Prophet (((Mistiis))) and Nikki...you "lived" The Shack"...HE was there. BMW you liveand love by example...I am just truely in awe of this family..yes, we all have our stories but most people hide them. I'm grateful for all of you who are a part of this forum family.

again...thanks --hitting that tag doesn't seem to relay as much as i'd like to all/each special person here...
but problems w/ my PC & brain/pain and more, haven't allowed for much more--yet

yes, each/all have STORY
I'm so grateful, humbled, inspired by all who've shared theirs
and reached out

like Alffe , i'm in awe and tears again...

(((pono))) You take as much time as you need...just lurk and read if that helps. We're here for you and have included you in our prayers.

...{{{pono}}} God has blessed you with a special strength and kindness. But there are times in out life when we bless others by allowing them to bless us. I know that is really hard when you are use to doing the blessing. But you are going through a really rough time. You amaze me with your inner strength...we are here for you...hit a thank you button when you can, and posting just a word, or two is fine. You can say a lot with one word...hang in there friend...

I have been sitting here for what seems like forever wondering what I can say that will help with all the hurt.

I do see so much love and support from some very amazing SOS.

I am towards the end of one of my calendaring periods with PTSD. I always feel something coming on…depression…lots of uncontrolled tears. Then I remember of a time a long time ago that hurt…my body feels it long before I can usually figure it out or my Olhipie will ask me if I am calendaring.

I have no idea and don’t even want to imagine what I would do without my best friend…Olhipie.

He is snoozing next to me…we have my desk in the bedroom because at times if he doesn’t know where I am he will panic. So hearing him snooze is giving me great comfort.

It was a great pleasure to read all your posts and I love you all for sharing…all of you…won’t mention names for fear I will forget one…welcome to you pono and how thankful I am to have my lil bro back posting…love your all and know that you are all in my heart and prayers.

It went better than I thought with the doctor today. The appt. was for my Dad, and when we were finished, I said, "I'm so sorry about your son."

The doctor said, "Yep, it sucks."

I was soooooh afraid that Dad would say, "I wonder what would make a person do something like that?" I would have BET MONEY ON IT.

But (thank goodness) Dad actually said some really kind words about how, when he hears something like that, it makes him so sad. And then he mentioned how it still made him sad that his dermatologist had died this summer (his plane went down with him, his son, and 8 other staff members on board). And we all agreed that was sad.

I asked how the doctor's grandbaby was, and he is "doing just fine." And that was it. It wasn't forced or unnatural. It felt just right.

Thank you, friends, for your words of wisdom.