Originally Posted by Junie

Good morning all,
All the time I have been around I have always felt I did not belong in this section since I have not had anyone I even know take their own life but as I read this I see maybe I do belong here...

my father was mentally ill and when I was 10 I have faint memories of times he had a gun and someone called my uncle who is very much a believer in God and he was always able to talk him down

and then was the time he did it when just us kids and my mom was there and we were all terrified and crying, begging him to put the gun down, and I even remember making a promise that I would stop smoking and being bad if he would just stop!

Then shortly after that he was DX with RA and went on disability and when he got it we all moved from Ca to Tn (his hometown) and many times after that during next 3 years now that I know what pain he must have been in (and was never given anything stronger the aspirin) and the last attempt was when at 16 he was walking through our mobile home with a butcher knife saying things like God was talking to him on radio and that was when I grew up fast and became the leader of the family!

I got mom and my sisters all bundled in a room and while doing that he locked himself in his BR and I could hear him talking, laughing, crying, all crazy things,

so I called 911 and kicked down the door just as the paramedics got there, he flew through a tiny window and went throught it taking frame and all and breaking the glass. It took 6 men to hold him down and subdue him!

He was in a mental hosp. for VA for close to a year and I will never forget seeing him tied to a bed in diapers! He escaped after a year somehow and come home in his jammies and no one ever came looking for him and then he went south with the RA and within a couple of years was in a WC!

Nothing to say, just smoked and drank coffee and read newspapers all day and gave up! He lived maybe 25 more years before he died of complications of RA! Bed bound for last 10! Then of course was the time late in my 16th year that I got pregnant by a 36 y/0 man that dumped me and left me high and dry and I tried to do it then but it was a failure (big bottle of pills for RA was really Vit C) and then I was Ok!

From that time on I took over as head of household because my mother was like a child and even my big sister was needy, and the 4 younger ones as well!

Life went on, I was in and out of therapy over the years trying to deal with the drama and then when I turned 30 things seemed to fall into place for me, although I dropped out of school at 13 I went back, got my GED and then nursing school and was awarded honors for top grades in my class and had my dream job!

Being a CG all my life nursing was what I wanted and needed until the wreck in 99 that started my downword spiral into hell! I was the strong one of entire family and giving it up was the hardest thing I ever did and last 3 months I have been in.

I tried to hold it in because afterall how can the leader of the family admit that she is now helpless? It came to a boil right after Christmas, and I wrote here that night, I had struggled for weeks and finally set up a time for the 2 sisters I was always close to and had a panic attack when there were many more people there and there was wii playing and drinking and I left crying because I knew I could never say what I needed to with all those people there, so I came home, cried for the longest, then sent the 2 a post sharing with them that I wanted to take my pills and even asked my drunken DH to please shoot me when I saw I did not have the nerve and when I got a text to come back to party I felt lost, betrayed, just a rollercoaster of emotions and that is when I came here and spilled my guts!

I have done much soul searching since that night and then things starting happening when first of all I get a call to come to disability hearing, after 3 years and 2 denials, then got up nerve to tell dh that when my backpay comes, it will go into account in my name only so if I feel trapped I have an out, he readily agreed, then he got a very large backpay check from va and is buying me a car, a queen adjustable bed, a lounge chair for living room the also relines, and a few thousand to spend any way I want.

I am hiring my out of work son to clean and fill my hot tub, along with my house so things are really good right now, plus I made peace with my 2 sisters on my terms and it feels good to have them back in my life, and they both promised if I even hinted about harming myself they will call for help!
So basically I went from rock bottom to feeling very grateful!

Thank you all, I may not be around much but at least I now know I belong and I thank each and everyone of you for your help in my time of need!