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12-04-2008, 01:39 PM | #1 | |||
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Senior Member
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ps. If posting a long thread I copy and paste it into my word so I don't lose it. Just an idea
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******************************************** More Than One Soul Dies In A Suicide . ******************************************** . |
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12-04-2008, 02:04 PM | #2 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Nikki, I wish someone like you had been around when I was 8 years old. Something kinda bad happened to me and so I told my Mom's best friend, Mary. She advised me not to tell Mom because it might upset her.
Years later I found out that Mary had been abused/traumatized by her older brothers. Not surprisingly, she had an eating disorder. She used to have the best collection of Barbies and doll houses I've ever seen. Also, she was a cleaning fanatic. But a very very nice lady. Sorry, this post really isn't about suicide, but it does acknowledge that it's important to talk to the right person to get the help you need. Do adults know who to call? As a kid I knew absolutely nothing.
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Rochelle . . I've lost my mind ... and I don't miss it! LIFE HAS NO REMOTE -- GET UP AND CHANGE IT YOURSELF! |
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12-04-2008, 02:34 PM | #3 | |||
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Senior Member
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((Twink)) I wish I could have been there for you
I didn't have anyone I could turn to either, and I imagine many children don't. Tragic and sad. Problems of childhood, if not dealt with, can and do lead to troubles in adulthood. No matter where you go, there you are...... The coalition I joined, is for survivors and prevention of suicide. I suggested a good way to prevent was not only to talk talk talk about it, but to also make these children feel safe. At the next meeting we are going to talk about ways in which we can do just that. Small steps, but they can make all the difference! Still holding onto hope
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******************************************** More Than One Soul Dies In A Suicide . ******************************************** . |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Alffe (12-04-2008), Burntmarshmallow (12-05-2008), mistiis (12-07-2008), tamiloo (12-08-2008), Twinkletoes (12-04-2008), who moi (12-05-2008) |
12-04-2008, 03:30 PM | #4 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I am trying to chose my words carefully but I cannot guarantee that will happen.
I am replying to Mois first post as I have not really read all of the responses yet. So please forgive me if I don't touch on anyone else's posts here. Hard to look back but I have traveled so far that looking back at my first attempt I feel extremely stupid, foolish and embarrassed, young . So as some know I grew up with mean older brother who abused me when mom and dad were not around. My parents had health issues My dad had 3 heart attacks and then when I was still a little kid he had a triple by pass surgery. When I was 8 my mom had cancer she lost both breast to cancer but she is a survivor and is still kicking in her 80s. Anyways I wanted to say I was left at other family members houses a lot cus mom or dad sick. I also had a mean brother who abused me when my parents were not around. So I grew up poor. I lived in kinda rich town in Conn. My brother would hit me ,us, my mom and Dad around I will swear on the bible no lie that the cops were at our house at the very least 4 times EVERY week either to break up a physical fight bro beating mom or bro beating up on dad. If not that it would be to “question” my bro or arrest him as he liked to break in our neighbors houses or take a car for a joy ride. I guess I am sharing this so maybe someone will understand things that lead me to the first time. I was in high school one night my school friends all wanted to go to MC donalds. It was in Feb still snow in fact the roads were icy. I didn't go but 2 boys from the neighborhood went and my girlfriend from up street and another semi friend went. Well they hit a pole and 2 died at scene and one other a day later ...the last a week later. A few weeks after that happened . Dad, twin bro and I had come back from roller skating . My dad decided to bring us to Wendy's fast food for a snack . Mom came too. I will skip the so vividly and easy to recall details. But my Dad died at home that night after we got back from wendys. School just sucked. I had just lost my click of friends forever I just lost my dad forever.. I am leaving Steven out of this but he was a friend who committed suicide when I was in high school. I would go to school and look around at all the other kids . Kids who only had to deal with what new shirt they will wear. Or whats for dinner. I was so not fitting in with that. I was so different . They could not relate or begin to understand and there is no way I could explain .these feelings the loneliness the anger the . How could I explain when I never had some of these feelings before and I don't understand them myself. So I recall how I would just for hours be thinking of things like “BMW” is there anything really truly good about growing up? Has there been anything good that has happened so far. . Look where you at right now BMW . Your friends crashed into a telephone pole, your dad died right in front of you and you couldn't do anything about it not one thing. You really think you can make new friends BMW with the reputation your older brother has given to your last name? Ya think anyone will want to be friends with a poor freak like you BMW ...do you see the look on the teachers faces when they call your name ?!! . Then I would think of the future and that didn't look good at all. So I thought different things. I started cutting arms legs. No one noticed and it felt good it helped me deal. Helped me deal with being the freak at school . I just felt like the freak in my tiny teenage world . Then I ...I started feeling like I didn't want to be here. Yes it was a personal thing all of it. Private. I decided to take a bunch of pills and cut myself. Well it didn't work. I ended up in hosp then counciling. I guess that time I was thinking I am a bad person I am useless hopeless worthless no good, not liked... a waste a mistake. I even thought I was really suppose to be in that car ,I really was suppose to die with my friends..I really am suppose to be dead...so just do it. Those are easy things to say now but back then I was just a confused scared sad little teenager. I didn't have a clue . My second time or times I thought /felt like ending my life was after my accident I had in 1999. I have beautiful family 2 little girls(big now tho) and hub. I had accident a semi hit me from behind .Broke jaw, steel plates on each side of jaw fake teeth jaw bone shaved. Head injury .etc etc... On meds after med after med for face pain for depression for anything I guess .I had head injury and med all the different types and strengths and its just a fog really but I know one time back then. In my oh so damn dark and lonely horrible time back then when I was trapped , be humbled, helpless but to lay in my bed not being able do do anything . Not eat not keep any liquid down. Not sit up to look out window... Not play with my kids not do anything but shake and shake. That is how I saw myself being for the rest of my life. And I did not want that. Not for me not for my family. I felt horrible what I was putting my family thought . My girls . I would not put anyone I loved and cared about so much would not put them through this a week longer. I couldn't take the pain , I couldn't explain the pain, nothing was helping me . I told my pain doctor straight up what I was feeling and how I didn't want to be alive anymore, how I will not be like this. I just wont. And he took my words to heart and helped me. He gave me 2 options to see if morphine would help my pain. If so he would implant a morphine pump into back of my head to treat my nerve damage. Well he iv a morphine drip to see if it would help but it did not. So He offered me the last option to try a neuro stim. Okay I was still trying to settle with the accident and the truck driving company. So this was considered a voo- doo treatment . I am the first in the U.S.A. To try a neuro stimulator for face pain. I had to fight in court for this at same time fighting for compensation. Well I won my case ... trail by jury of my peers 13 of them.. more important... I fought myself for myself and I won . I guess for me in those times I think about it or feel like doing it. It is because I hate what I am putting others threw, hate that I am hurting other people or that other people are going threw things because of me. That could be called quilt or shame or blame??? So I guess each time is a very different feeling or reason . Even when talking about one person. As is each loss that is felt so deep amongst us when one dose succeed in ending their life. Each reason different. Maybe a desperate act or a selfish act. Yet it could be a self -Less act a brave courageous act or ending ones life out of anger or pain..(hate of or cant handle pain lived with pain long enough...) . The reasons are different and there is no ONE thing to call it but a loss.. On talking about it I am scared to hit the post button...but I trust that if need be a mod will remove my post .as when one suffers a head injury and they are seeking compensation...the law says there is right to go back as far as one wishes into that persons personal history..which would include any post here. So I do not want any head injuries and I do not want johnny law looking at my high school times. As they will use it against me as they did during my trial after accident.. I am so scared to post this. But in my heart it is for good, to help another and that is just what I hope it dose. Help somebody. THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS. I think after I hit post I will hide out in the corner and lurk. as this is kinda hard to share and i left things out but the just of it is here and the only thing i want it to do is help someone be able to reach out to ask for help , to show someone they arent alone.... for support in positive way. We are here for you just reach and keep on reaching. PEACE BMW __________________ |
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12-04-2008, 03:43 PM | #5 | |||
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Young Senior Elder Member
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You are an incredible woman BMW and very brave to share your story with us. You told me bits and pieces in private but I have a much clearer picture now. It's no wonder with all you have been through that you'd want it to end...the physical and emotional pain..and awful memories.
I'm so glad you didn't succeed..your support around here means the world to a lot of us...you offer a lifeline...If you can survive...so can I. You are a perfect example of a survivor. Thank you.... Edit to add a couple of things...did you get any kind of counseling after the initial counseling in the hospital? Do you and your mom talk about "it"?
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12-04-2008, 04:22 PM | #6 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
After accident too had counciling a good few years of it. i think about 4 or so years. I do how ever talk with both my girls. I helped my oldest one durring her cutting self time. and for that I am blessed. I have idea like Nikk dose to talk and teach and provide ways to deal and cope before the situation comes along kinda thing. and am close to both my girls. and they are very close to me. I have safe number to call .a good close friend in case i feel like it or think serious about it. they will come and be with me. and I do the same for her and i have done that too ... again THANKYOU BIZI!!!! I also have hot line number and the number of my counselor I last saw that released me from her "care". Those are good things to have. everyone should have number like that. I also have Sister Goofys number and Twinks, Curious and few others N.T. members... and I have all of my dear special family here to give me courage support and to lean on and understand me. all that is pricless JUST LIKE YOU ALFFE MOM!!! PEACE BMW..... Off to hide and lurk .I gotta message or 3 to reply to but kinda tired and that bath mistiis talked about looks inviting... no one is home and I can play music loud. |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Alffe (12-04-2008), FeelinGoofy (12-04-2008), mistiis (12-07-2008), Nik-key (12-04-2008), pono (12-05-2008), tamiloo (12-08-2008), Twinkletoes (12-04-2008), who moi (12-05-2008) |
12-04-2008, 05:24 PM | #7 | |||
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Young Senior Elder Member
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Enjoy your bath! (I think I can hear your music. *grin)
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Burntmarshmallow (12-05-2008), mistiis (12-05-2008), Nik-key (12-04-2008), tamiloo (12-08-2008), who moi (12-05-2008) |
12-05-2008, 12:14 PM | #8 | |||
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'Thanks' Button Team Community Member T.K.S.
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that is exactly my thought whenever someone would tell me, "moi, that's just the way it is..." I would often thought, yes, I know that's just the way it is, but if I accept it for just the way it is and everyone else accept it for the just the way it is, then it truly will be: It IS what it IS and sometimes, that's just NOT good enough....*sigh.... the rest of your post just showed your strength and what an amazing person that you are, nik... there will always be folks that are afraid and/or can't/don't want to talk about it. But then there are folks like you that want to address it. And we need you to speak for others thus make others feel OK to at least "listen" even if they can't talk about it... truly are a warrior, nik...truly...added that with your compassion, I truly believe that you have SAVED/helped many others... so, I will say thank you, for them, AND for myself.... ((((BIG HUGS))))) Quote:
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. . . . . . . . "you're entering, the . zone..."
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Burntmarshmallow (12-05-2008), mistiis (12-05-2008), Nik-key (12-06-2008), pono (12-06-2008), tamiloo (12-08-2008), Twinkletoes (12-08-2008) |
12-05-2008, 12:33 PM | #9 | |||
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'Thanks' Button Team Community Member T.K.S.
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BMW,
I read this last night, it gave me a big lump in my throat, I have read it three times already...still have lump in my throat... you are the definition of a survivor...you do not have to be afraid to hit that send button. If this post were to be deleted (which I doubt it will) I will fight tooth and nails to have it brought back... it is stories like yours that will help others... it is stories like yours, that opens doors and open "eyes" to those ignorant. When you, nik, mist, alpho, and twinks, and others share like you do, it is when this place, "Survivor of Suicide" forum truly lives up to its name and standard. I don't feel that you have the need to lurk... You should stand proud and I am honored to stand proud next to you. I know you'll have your struggles for the rest of your life, yet, from posts like this, it tells me that you fight, and you fight it so well... I am so honored to be amongst such a group of people... thank you so much for sharing... Quote:
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. . . . . . . . "you're entering, the . zone..."
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Burntmarshmallow (12-05-2008), mistiis (12-05-2008), Nik-key (12-06-2008), pono (12-06-2008), tamiloo (12-08-2008), Twinkletoes (12-08-2008) |
12-05-2008, 12:36 PM | #10 | |||
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'Thanks' Button Team Community Member T.K.S.
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Alpho,
thank you for starting this forum... I wished place like this existed when I was a kid, when I was younger, when I was crass and stupid.... thank you for sharing your pain with us....through your pain, you have helped healed many others. twinks, I see that you are opening up little by little...I am very proud of you... pono, great to meet you, I hope you get to post more. But never about anything that you are NOT comfortable with... cheri, thank you for moderating this place so well, you have one of the toughest jobs and probably one of the most thankless jobs.... THANK YOU thank you all for sharing.... to all my friends and lurkers... ((((BIG HUGS))))
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. . . . . . . . "you're entering, the . zone..."
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Burntmarshmallow (12-05-2008), mistiis (12-05-2008), Nik-key (12-06-2008), pono (12-06-2008), tamiloo (12-08-2008), Twinkletoes (12-08-2008) |
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