I am really feeling bad today. I lost my boyfriend to suicide one month ago. He hanged himself with me on the phone. I had just broken up with him for personal reasons but was still in love with him. He told me on the phone that he made up his mind that he was not going to live his life without me. I would have went back to him if he would have just waited. I don't understand how he could have really gone through with this. Why did he do this to me? I am so hurt and feeling so much guilt and pain. When the police finally got into the house he had been hanging for an hour and was brain dead. It took me 4 days to pull myself together to go to the hospital. Right after I left he died. He was waiting on me. I have so many unanswered questions that will never be answered. How can I go on living this way with so much pain?

I'm so sorry Jestersnow. It was cruel of him to make you feel responsible for his decision. Guilt feelings always crash down on us survivors but for him to share his death is just so wrong. You have come to the right place to talk about this.

Your post jester sent me to the bookshelf....Here is what Paul Quinnett says about survivors in his book..Suicide, The Forever Decision...

"They are shocked. They cannot believe what has happened. They are numb and in pain. It is as if they are caught up in a nightmare and when they awake, the nightmare goes on and on. Feeling confused and dazed, they wonder if they will ever get over your death or if things will ever be normal again.

They are sad. Once the Shock and the numbness wears off, the survivors of suicide enter a time of great and unremitting sadness. Unprepared as they are, the pain can be almost physical, and inspite of an occasional good day or light moment, the sadness sweeps over them again and again.

They are angry. Though they wish not to be, they cannot help but to feel anger towards you. You have taken something precious from them and there is no getting it back."

***************

My words here....talking about your feelings will help you on this long journey of grief...we are here for you.

hi jester...

I don't have any wise words (I am a bit of a jester moiself...)

but there will be others here that will come and give you some sage words I am sure as our dear Alpho already has....

please keep on talking to us whenever you feel the need....

welcome to a club that nobody wants to belong to, yet have one of the best supports known to human kind....

((((HUGS))))

Jestersnow, I am so very sorry for your loss. As Alffe said, we all have guilt and at one time or another I am sure we all feel responsible. My heart breaks for you that these feelings are multiplied due to his phone call.

I am still trying to learn how myself. I know there will be times when you don't think you can survive the loss, those are the times you need to reach out... come here, talk with your doctor, find a local support group etc... talk talk talk! Being with other survivors, hearing their stories, gives you strength .... It shows you one CAN survive this pain.

The Helpful Information & Links Sticky thread at the top of this page has many good resources you may find helpful. Here is the link
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread238.html

My thoughts are with you ((Jestersnow)) Nikki

Thinking of you jestersnow.

I'm so sorry to read what has happened.

Please make sure you look after yourself right now. I hope you have friends or family close to you who can help support you in person, even if it's to help you get the little practical things done like shopping so you can concentrate on getting through this very difficult time.

I'm so sorry that your boyfriend did this.

Please talk about it,so you can get some help. Don't bottle up your feelings.

It's not your fault. He made the decision. You didn't do it. How could you possible know he would do that for sure?

I'm so,so very sorry. BF

(((Jestersnow))) I'm so sorry he left you with his guilt because it's not right. You aren't responsible for what he did. You definitely have come to the right place. So much caring and love here. Take good and gentle care of yourself.

(((jestersnow))) .....so sorry that you are having to walk this path...I have nothing but sss ...no words right now...I know your pain is deep... keep coming back...