I CAN, and it is amazing..........

It was indeed painful to share............ I continue to see my therapist for 2 reasons. One being the horrible nightmares I have had for these past 9 months, the other being my reaction to snow. I didn't know the two were connected, intertwined-one. Now I do.

Sharing with you earlier, gave me the strength for me to share with my sister... I think you are right ((sabi)) it is healing. By sharing, putting a voice to my grief........ instead of keeping it in, so it can consume me..........I am able to wait. I am finding a strength in me I would not have thought possible.

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break." ~William Shakespeare

Dad did not share his sorrows, his grief............. As hard as it is, I will.

I thank you all from the deepest region of my being for all the support you have shown me, the love you give freely, and for giving me this place - you...my safe haven. You have helped me more than I could ever put words to.

Ps. I am not sure of the "rules" for the thank you button, but your thank you would not have upset me in the least

It is healing ....Last night for the first time in 9 months I slept through the whole night. The WHOLE NIGHT!!! I have not been able to do that once, not once - even with heavy duty sleeping pills.

I know I have a very long way to go. But the healing, it is starting. I can feel it. Thank you all for your part, for letting me share, more importantly - for making me feel safe enough, that I could share. Nikki

...love you (((Nikki))) this couldn't be a better Christmas present...thank you for sharing...

Know you will still have many rough moments, but we are all here for you...way to go girl!!!!

((((((Nikki)))))) Thank you so much....you sharing helped me to make some since of it all....love you my dear!

(((Nikki))) I'm so sorry. I hope one day you can get back that childhood love of the snow. I think too that the older we get the snow just gets a little more difficult to deal with. I like it as long as I don't have to go anywhere in it!

You just continue (please) to baby yourself and do things that you love, okay?

Much love sweetie.

((Tammy)) ((Doody)) ((Mistiis)) I love you too

It still hurts, I know it will for a long time to come. But, it isn't that gut wrenching, I am drowning, gnaw at you till you bleed hurt now. "My secret" has been unburdened. Last night was the first night that not only did I sleep through the whole night, but that I didn't wake up either screaming or crying due to my nightmares. I can't tell you what a relief, huge relief ... that was to me. I am sure I will have them many times again. The difference now is... I know there can be nights, without them. Yes, a major step towards healing I would say.

((Mistiis)) I took my "next step" today. The children live with me, so of course they know I throw up whenever it snows, and when I see it after a storm. (though not the real reason why of course) We got 10 inches last night............perfect snowman snow they told me. Kids, they deserve not to be weighed down by adults problems. They wanted their auntie to go build a snowman with them like I always have.

So................... I bundled up, and faced the snow. I threw up, I can't help it. I am not sure how long this will last, or how one can reverse such a reaction. But kids, they are such good medicine. Such joy for ones soul. My nephew just tossed some snow on it, no biggie, lets make that snowman! ...
And we did And, it was fun!!

nik-key......you my dear friend have brought me out of hiding...you are so brave and truly an inspiration to me. i've been in such a bad place the past couple weeks.... thank you for sharing....

Dear sweet ((goofy)) This is what this wonderful forum is all about.. sharing our pain before it takes us over.... Others helping us through that pain I am so sorry to hear you have been in such a bad place, we/ I am here for you. Much love my friendNikki

Hey Nikki, that was a very brave thing you did by going out into the snow like that..

I have this book called (something like) 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. It might be still in a box but that is the title I think. It's been a lot of help for me. I'll have to go look for it. It's not always possible and it's not always easy, and a lot of people will never know how difficult it is to do certain things because it's usually invisible to other people but I sure have found over the years that sometimes I just have to get out there and 'do it'. I did find that when I had children living at home (they're grown now) that necessity was a great motivator. These days I am not as brave as I used to be. lol

I'm so glad you were able to go out in that snow and have some fun with the children. That's really great to read.

You take care of yourself and I hope you get another good night of sleep (and many, many more).

EDITED to add name of book and author

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
by Susan Jeffers