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#31 | |||
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Senior Member
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Hi Junie - I've read your posts about your upbringing and some of the horrific experiences and one thing I can see, above all, is that you are a survivor!
Yes, even writing down your story here shows you are a fighter and thus, willing to seek out help and support to survive! Good for you - that is a huge step. I know you are tired of the fight - its perfectly understandable as you have literally been knocked down at every point in your life starting with your horrific years as a child and teenager. I honestly wish that there was a test people should be forced to take before becoming parents as it is obvious your parents truly did not deserve to have children. They likely were part of a cycle of abuse which started long before you were in the picture and because they simply did not know any better, they continued the abuse. ![]() The answer is to love yourself and as difficult as that may sound, you ARE doing it by writing here. My Dad was an alcoholic but I had a brave mother who left him when I was 9 years old. Nonetheless,I truly think that I spent much of my life (I'm 55 tomorrow!) wanting to save my daddy (he sadly died an alcoholic). Although I didn't live your cycle of abuse, I do think I understand the love we have for our parents, no matter how unsuccessful they are at being parents. My first real love relationship with a man was when I was 19 - and when he broke up with me, I was devestated and swore that I would never love anyone more than they loved me. So, at 23, I married a man who loved me more than I loved him. Sadly, he drank, too... and it took me 22 years to leave him. I was so wrecked by not having a "normal" father and so destroyed by my first love ... and never loved myself....... Thankfully... somewhere, along the way, I discovered myself and healed... and am still healing... being a human is NOT easy. I have found a huge wealth of support here on this forum - and have for about 10 years (there was an old forum before this one)... I remain faithful to my friends here because they have always been here for me. They are here for you now dear lady. Take our hands - hold onto them.... and spill out your soul. We're here for you. ![]() ![]() |
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#32 | |||
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Member
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I am sorry but I am not very trusting right now, when I see links with the advice to go there I take it as I am too much trouble to deal with. Hopefully in time I will get past that, I just wish I had stayed here and never left to try and make things work with my family maybe I would have been much further along then I am now. One more time I put my needs aside for my family and I don't plan on doing it again. I am like one big exposed raw nerve right now and its hard to trust anyone. I am working on that by coming here everyday.
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Back injury 1999, PN,DDD, Spinal Stenosis, Arthritis, Chronic pain, Lumbar Fusion 6-06, Pain Worse then Ever Since!10-10-06 Arachnoiditis! CES! now numbness from waist to thighs, bowel, bladder paralysis, self caths, chronic constipation. Left sided weakness! No appetite depression! Bed 22 hrs day! Under care of PM 3 years. Diabetic, lost over 100 lbs was 300+, now 174 lbs. Normal labs, diet controlled! |
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#33 | |||
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Member
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I am sorry, I posted before I saw yours and my dad too was an alcoholic and I remember time after time trying to win his approval and attention but never did, as for mom, I simply got lost in the crowd, but I do remember dad telling me over and over I was supposed to be a boy and he let me know what a disappointment I was just being a girl and I am sure thats why I always wanted a daughter (never had one) and why I alway dated men old enough to be my father, still looking for daddy's love??
I too used to belong at the other site, was afraid to post since I saw so many get banned, so I came here when they were shut down and for awhile was doing good, until I put my family ahead of my needs once more! I don't really need info about disability, was just asking if people thought I would be wrong to keep this to myself and have a nest egg for security?? For anyone afraid for me, well I have already been at the edge of the cliff and decided not to jump, at this point I am not sure if it makes me strong or weak, but have no [plans of going back there! I really am grateful for all that has tried to help, but right now I am still having trouble knowing who wants to help, and who wants to push me away??
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Back injury 1999, PN,DDD, Spinal Stenosis, Arthritis, Chronic pain, Lumbar Fusion 6-06, Pain Worse then Ever Since!10-10-06 Arachnoiditis! CES! now numbness from waist to thighs, bowel, bladder paralysis, self caths, chronic constipation. Left sided weakness! No appetite depression! Bed 22 hrs day! Under care of PM 3 years. Diabetic, lost over 100 lbs was 300+, now 174 lbs. Normal labs, diet controlled! |
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