Thanks everyone,
I am just 9 or 10 days that I have been coming out of the dark as far as they are concerned and my own problem of trying to please or fix everyone but myself, and the things I wrote down I plan to print out and give to the guy I se in therapy, most of our sessions end up with me crying through them so we end up not talking much!

The one thing I have not yet mentioned is I am fighting with myself over something else, my disability hearing is just over a month away after waiting nearly 3 years, and I want to somehow pull it off and open another account and not let dh know I have it just yet, at least this way I will have a choice of staying or leaving, and not feling trapped and at someone else's mercy (financially) so I am dealing with that too.

I hate not being honest with him but otherwise he will want to claim it as payment for supporting me although I am his wife and that is his job, but he wants to keep me under his thumb. I got the call about 48 hours after the showdown with my sisters when I was at my lowest point, and thats when I decided to try and figure me out so I won't end up screwing everything up again! I just hope I can pull it off and I hope they don't think its strange that I show up at the hearing alone. So I am dealing with even more then you know,sigh.

Junie this forum is a good place to vent and talk about what you are feeling. Lot's of wonderful support from this forum family of ours. Keep talking...we are here for you.

((junie)) I am disabled too, it was a real blow to my pride and self worth. I was 31 and more than bitter. I never had the long struggle you are in trying to get disability. It was approved first try. I can see where having your own source of income could help lift your spirits and give you some independence. I hope you win your case. Keep us posted.

I am from a large family too, we are a loving group. A bit messed up, we have our share of dysfunction and skeletons in the closet...but when you are truly down, they don't keep kicking, they help to pick you up.

My family has let me down many many times in the past. What I learned that has helped me, so I could truly forgive and move on.... is, don't expect them to be anything more than who they are. Simply put, I love them just the way they are. Once I stopped expecting them to be more than they could or wanted to be, my life got a whole lot easier. Forgiveness came easy and love came naturally.

Having said that, sometime there are people in your life who are poison to you. If you had cancer, as hard as it would be, you would have it removed. The same holds true for people. Sometimes you just have to cut them out of your life, family or not.

My Mom is a recovering alcoholic. She has been sober almost 25 years. In these years her whole outlook and spiritual essence has changed and grown. I have learned so much from her hard fought wisdom. I would like to share one of her favorite "stories" with you.

I can't tell it as well as she can, but the gist is......

Our emotional wellbeing depends on how we nurture and nourish our feelings and needs. Think of your heart and soul much like your need for water, you need both to thrive and survive.

If you were standing at well, all the water gone...... would you continue to stand there until you die? Or would you dig deeper to find water? Or move on to another well?

If your emotional needs are not being met, do not stand there and allow yourself to die on the inside....... move, run, dig deeper, and move on.

((Junie)) surround yourself with people who do care for you, friends can mean even more than family. And there is nothing wrong with that. Keeping you in my thoughts, Nikki

Thanks Nikki, and everyone else!
At this point I am not in a forgiving mood, and I now know to expect nothing from them since nothing is all I ever got, and I have been moving out of fantasy land where we will be one big happy family, thats is the reality I must face. Its hard to find friends (flesh and bone) in bed and thats where I spend most of my time! I am trying to help myself and it started by coming here and spilling my guts and being as honest as I can. I also know it won't be happening overnight.
Thanks everyone, but I won't be standing at the well anymore waiting on the water to suddenly appear, and I have no plans of ending it all either!

No...Junie, it won't happen overnight, of that you can be sure. But, as I have said before, it can happen. It is obvious to me that you are a survivor. To find happiness takes time, especially in your particular situation. We need time to work on it with you dear friend. Please hang in there.

First of all - David! you are an astounding man - thank you for being here!

Junie, I wrote to you in the other thread you wrote - I hope you see it. Hang in here with us dear lady.

I hope you learn, as I have, that the only one you can change is yourself.

I know life has been very disappointing to you... and although its a cliche, this too, shall pass!

People.. people who need people.... are the luckiest people.... (oh dear, I hear Barbra Streisand!)....

Addy

((Junie)) I loved your post. It is perfectly fine not to be in a forgiving mood, there have been many times I wasn't either. You are right, this will take some time, but I can see the survivor is you shinning through. You are women hear you roar I am glad you wont stand at a dry well! though we can not be there is person, we can be your friends and nourish your soul. You have made some major major steps, stand proud! Much love, Nikki

Thanks everyone,
I began taking my power from Dh back a few months ago, first I stopped trying to cook or clean for him, then I told him if he needed another woman to go for it, then I moved out of bedroom into the guest room (all 3 dogs followed me), and lastly I ordered his ton of meds but told him how/when to take them or die, that it was up to him and that really ****** him off but it was a long time coming! I reminded him he never did any of this stuff for me, even when I nearly died in hosp. Those things were very hard for me to do and I may not have done it had I known my family were not planning to take me in as soon as I got the courage to really leave him and give up my home because it may be dirty but its the biggest and has more comforts then any of the others had including being paid off!

Wow Junie....you are definately a fighter, and that is that it takes. You can't be a doormat and survive. I think learning how to stand up for ourselves is sometimes what we need to learn. There is nothing wrong with that.

I have been wondering to put this post.

Yesterday I share about my friend and a little bit about my situation at home. What I didn't share was that she "was" one of my best friends. Everyone has told me what a good friend I was to her. In fact, she rarely talks to me anymore. I've been told that the relationship was one sided and that she too advantage of me and to let it go. I miss her so much. Her home was a haven to me when I couldn't stand my own home. I drove with her to Ohio to see her mom. I lent her my scooter the battery on mine died. I never saw our relationship as one sided.

I know she thinks I am needy. We talked about this. I admitted I was. I don't have much of a support system and it was so nice finding someone to share with and have fun with. The situation at home didn't hit me until I stopped working (I was a social worker) and realized how alone I felt.

I know she has a lot of feelings to work through. We had been talking about how nice it would be to have a place away from our homes. I know she has the guilt of knowing that she wanted out of the marriage and then suddenly being out of the marriage by death. She is not cold hearted. She was not happy being married to him, but she didn't want him to die. I know she must have the "I should I have done this......"

It still hurts because I cherished our friendship and still do. There are still sparks of the old "us", so I'm not going to quit caring about her. I have the "I should haves too.

Yes I may have been or still am needy. We all need and sometimes it is okay to be needy. If we have always been givers, than we don't understand the intolerance of those who are not understanding and responsive to our needs.

I'm know I'm rambling but I wanted to share one more thing.

WHAT WAS I THINKING!

I woke up the other day and thought-What was I thinking!

I wanted another doxie-my first one, who is a wonderful dog is, Daddy's Little GIRL.

She sat next to me and was often beside when my MS symptom got out of hand, but she was Daddy's Little Girl.

My reasoning was, my doxie needs another dog to keep her company.

I made sure that the dog we got, would be compatable with mine.

I wanted a rescue dog. Mine was fortunate to be with us since she was a puppy.

After one bad attempt, I found the perfect match. She is housebroken (only 2 accidents since we got her on 12/18. Except for an occasional for a couple of "incidents", both doxie's get along-now it's only when one or the other gets into the other one's persona space.

They told me she was timid. I thought, no problem.

Than I woke up one morning and thought "What Was I Thinking." I have and emotionally handicapped doxie".

Timid is an understatement. She is so afraid she clings to me and has even followed me into the shower. When I am not home. She frequently hides behind the couch.

What was I thinking of? Am I that needy that I needed such a needy dog?

Then the answer came. What I want, what I need and what I want to give in this life is unconditonal love.

A Toast to NT! A place where you can find unconditonal love and where you can give it back

Hugs and Doxie Kisses, Doxie Mama