We are social animals; we need the company of our fellow humans. We need approval of our peers - family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, and so on. Most of us do not "air our dirty laundry" in public. We would rather not reveal problelms to outsiders, particularly problems that appear to reflect badly on us.

Suicide does not occur without there being problems. Happy, well-adjusted people do not kill themselves. (It is a complicated philosophical and ethical question whether there is such a thing as "rational" suicide in cases such as terminal illness. Even if there are "rational" suicides, however, they are a very small percentage of the total.)

In almost all cases, then, people who commit suicide are desperately unhappy. Most of the problems about which they are so unhappy - alcoholism, rejection in a relationship, the failure of a business - are issues that people generally try not to reveal to strangers. Sexual problems, overwhelming financial disasters, or other self-esteem - related matters are issues most families agree not to discuss with others.

The most pervasive contributing factor to suicide is profound depression. One part of such deep depressions is a sense of total despair, including the despair that no one else could ever understand what the depressed person is suffering. This leads to emotional isolation and a sense of futility about trying to communicate with anyone. It leaves one feeling different. It is true for the members of the family as well as for suicidal individuals.

Suicide reveals to the community that serious problems existed in the family that the family was unable to solve. Or so it seems to the survivors, who often feel that if they had been better able to deal with the problems, the suicide would not have occured. Many families prefer not to reveal that death was caused by suicide in order to protect their own images. When such a fact is kept secret, feelings of shame fester. This perpetuates the denial that led to isolation in the first place. Secrecy precludes sharing, which can lead to the healing that comes with compassionate understanding.


Healing After The Suicide of A Loved One

by Ann Smolin, C.S.W., and John Guinan, PH.D