[Alffe]

Unfortunately when someone close to us dies by suicide most of the people who provide us support are also suffering. Getting support is crucial to being able to survive this loss ourselves.

"Every member of the family is suffering and wants to be taken care of, not to serve as a caretaker, at this time"

We need to tell our stories repeatedly and people quickly tire of hearing them long before we are tired of telling them.

"Your friends, even those who care the most and have only your well-being at heart, will soon encourage you to put the past behind you. They will tell you it has been three months or six months or whatever arbitrary time limit they believe is appropriate for you to suffer, and it is now time to be over it, but you will go on believing that you will never be over it.

They are not completely wrong. Mourning is a finite process. One day mourning will no longer consume all of your life. However, the length of mourning is up to you, not some preconceived notion that someone else may have."

A good support group will provide you with understanding...and with people who care.

Quotes from Healing After The Suicide of a Loved One by Ann Smolin, C.S.W. and John Guinan, PH.D.

[tamiloo]

[Xienite]

Alffe and friends, thank you again for your kind and wise words

Alas, still stuck in this world of PTSD, depression and some unknown fear to leave the house. Sheesh, I go into a panic when somebody knocks on the door. I really just wanted to hop in real quick and say hi while I ponder my thoughts to go into more detail later.

In a nutshell, I think it was last April that I last posted. So much more has happened. Needless to say, I still haven't dealt with Michael's death and Deember was the 3 year mark. Hard for me to do when he was my "safe" person and truly loved me unconditionally. Sigh

Then had to put the 16 year old dog down, then the cat died, but that is where I pretty much left off. Since then 2 close friends passed away from heat attacks, my aunt passed away in September (my mom's sister), but my cousin, at age 44 took his own life. A total shock. I would have thought that having my mom (his aunt) take her life so many years ago, he would have....ah hell, what, he would have what. When you are in that pit, it gets pretty dark and somehow it seems like the only way out. Been there, thought that. It's just that he has a 3 year old daughter, who will miss her dad. Just a sad day/week/month/year(s) in Pepperland.

I will ramble on later, when I can make some sense out of the words that are bouncing around in my head.

Once again thank you for all of your wise words....I have been lurking and peading past posts all night.

Xie

[Alffe]

Cris you have no idea how often I think about you. I'm so grateful you checked in today of all days.. I can't pretend to know how much you are missing your soul mate but I do understand about the beast depression.

We are here for you....we care and please consider us your lifeline until you can once again return to that "outside" world. People can't help you if they don't know how you feel.

[Xienite]

Alffe, thank you for being a lifeline, you really are! Just when I felt totally alone, I decided to get out of bed and check email after a month. I really thought I was going to delete a zillion spam email (I did), but in the midst of all that junk mail, I found a little jewel of an email.

Sadly, family and friends do know how I am, and the last time I talked to them was Christmas. I haven't seen my sister in 3 years now (Mike's funeral), but I come from a family of "don't tell", and I've been scolded more than once over the years for bringing topics up that they put under the carpet, and am told to "deal with it", they just don't understand and I can't expect them to. They have told me that they have never been depressed more than a few days in their lives. How did I get the sad gene? Ahh, another thread that I should post my thoughts on (geneics vs situation).

As Dr. Drew has said, "You are as sick as your secrets" and I need to get better.

[Alffe]

Deal with it? *grin That doesn't exactly smack of compassion but I guess if someone has never experienced depression for more than a day or two, they....they what? Don't live in the real world! Maybe it is a gene thing..it certainly has a force of its own and can really wear one out fighting it.

You're as sick as your secrets....Hmmmmmmm..who is Dr. Drew? And we all need to get better...the question is.....how???

(((Cris)))

[Lara]

Good to see you posting again, Xie.
I've been away a lot the past year or two and I decided to read your older posts to try to remember.

I know this might sound like a silly question, but have you been able to see a counsellor or somebody since last year? The fear about leaving the house thing, well I know how bad that can be and it's not good 'cause the longer it goes on the worst it seems to get. I think some of us get that 'sad gene' you talk about and then it's compounded by mountains of situations piled on top of that 'sad gene' and it all is too overwhelming. Overwhelmed is how I get when I have trouble getting out of the house (apart from when I feel physically ill I mean). I wonder if you were able to overcome that fear in particular, then other parts of your life would get better and that you would find life kinder?

Just wondering. I wish I knew.

thinking of you.

[mistiis]

Hi (((Xie))) don't believe we've met. I just recently joined NT, but am not a stranger to our friend depression or what it can do. I also understand 'fear' and what it can do. Not being able to get out of the house is a big factor. But, I also know, that it takes some good things working for you for you to be able to accomplish that. Coming here and sharing your thoughts and feelings is a good start. I know that even that can take a great deal of energy when one is in the pit. Having just come out of one myself I fully understand that as well. Sounds like you have been through a lot. So it says a lot about you that you are still here and fighting. I don't care about what those family members of yours may say, they just definately haven't been 'there' well, good for them, but those of us who have that 'sad gene' know all too well what it takes. We are here for you....

[Xienite]

Hi Lara, I'm glad your back here at SOS afer being gone awhile too. I always come back to these wonderful people. Amazing that I have been in touch with Alffe 10 years via the "boards". Makes you wonder (oops wrong thread) how so much stuff can happen, some good...some not so good.

Sadly, I haven't been to a counsellor, therapist or doctor due to no insurance. Compound that problem that the car up and died when I didn't really care, so now I am pretty much stuck if I had the incling to venture out. It's a long ugly story that I let myself fall into which is more guilt and depression.

So many thoughts when I was reading other posts, and too lazy to go back and find them. Such as, is it possible that in combination with the sad gene it makes us feel things deeper. I was always a sensitive kid, I mean to the point when my sister would get spaked (which was quite often) I cried (she refused). It just seems like I feel things different than they do, I consider othersand their feelings more than they do...just thoughts that make me go Hummmm.

Honestly, I"m pretty proud of myself for posting and finally talking, that in itself was difficult. Hummmm, perhaps this is the first step forward of many? Stay tuned, curious minds want to know.

Thank you for the kind words and I really look forward to getting to know you.

Cris

[Xienite]

Mistiis, I have been reading some wise words from you Thank you for the welcome and I am so glad that I came back today, as hard as it was. It sounds like you too understand the no reason fear of leaving the house.

I used to get calls from my dad asking if I did this or that (outside stuff, or on a date yet), I just told him no, and now he just doesn't call. I feel like I am the ugly kid (oh yeah, I was) and he would prefer to move forward. Sadly, in retrospect, he had the same attitude with my mom before she took her life. Now, 35 years later he has the gall to tell me, you don't sound crazy like your mom did. I just shake my head...or bang in on the desk. Ahh, and the hits just keep on coming. I love my family, warts and all, I just wished that they could love me that way.

warm hugs,