This is going to be really hard for me to get out, but I am determined to do it. Most here will not have been aware that I entered a very deep hole. I wouldn't expect you to know because, as is my usual way of doing things, I wouldn't say anything. I would kind of disappear because all of my energy gets geared to fighting the battle.

The battle, ~sigh can be so energy consuming, and having just emerged from it I feel that this may be a good time to put this out here, and open it up for discussion. I hope that it will bring some comfort to those who have lost loved ones, and help them to understand why they would not have known, nor could have been expected to know, what their loved one was contemplating.

I said in one post that my picture is deceiving. I don't mean for it to be, it is just that way for some people. When one is in the heat of the battle with suicide it can be darn near impossible to reach out. Why??? I think, for me, it is partly because all of my energy is focused on the battle itself. Think about someone being in hand to hand combat. You would be so focused on the fight and the battle that you would not be able to call out for help, because you are fighting for your life. The battle is so intense. And who is going to understand it? And I said in another place that sharing pain and despair is the most difficult thing to share. People don't want to hear about it, generally. They dont 'get' it.

Learning how to reach out is the most difficult part of fighting this battle. And since those who have lost loved ones to suicide have a greater risk themselves for having to fight the same battle, as Alffe has pointed out, prevention becomes an issue for them as well. That is why this marriage, as David pointed out, works so well. They go hand in hand. That is why I feel compelled to put this out here. To try to explain what the battle is like for some of us, and possibly how it was for your loved one. We want to be strong and independent, and win our own battles. That, I think, is also part of it. Yes, I know society plays a role, because we are taught that we have to be strong, and do it ourselves. We are taught that we must stand on our own two feet, and when we find that we are faltering, the last thing we want to do is let someone know about it. It might bring them down as well. And when you love someone you don't want to do that. You end up feeling that you will add to their burdens. And being a burden is not what we want to be.

I hope you will forgive me as I type this out, because I am thinking out loud here, and just putting it out there.

In the very heat of the battle I did do something that I always do now, pray. That is a reaching out that I am comfortable with. And, for me, it is my ultimate strength. But that is learned behaviour from years of fighting this battle. Your loved ones may not have been able to do even that. Sometimes, as I have said before, I feel guilty that I am still here and they are not. So, I feel that I must make the fact that I am still here count for something.

I feel that I must try to reach out to those who fight, and to those who have lost. Perhaps, as a bridge to trying to understand. Trying to get into someone else's mind and see through their eyes can be the most difficult thing to do. But, in doing it, understanding can be gained. It doesn't mean you will agree, it just brings an understanding with compassion which can lead to forgiveness for all involved.

Fortunately, for me, I had a way at that moment to reach out. I did what comes naturally to me, pray, and write. I wrote a piece of poetry right off the top of my head, and sent it to someone that I trust. That, too, was reaching out. And, it was a start. It got me through that intense moment when it could have gone either way for me. Then, later, I was able to make a phone call, and talk with someone who was able to get me through it enough to start climbing out of that hole.

I will leave that poem here at the end of this post. I am not sure how much sense this will end up making, but, as I said, I feel compelled to write it. And, I hope, that it will help someone, anyone. Getting through that intense battle requires so much energy that reaching out can be difficult. And learning how to deal with those thoughts, when they are so intense requires time, experience, and knowledge. And that is what we are all working on. Ok....the poem. It is not edited, because I want it to be just as it was when I wrote it, while not even thinking about it. Just putting it down, one line at a time.

I
Stand on the edge looking in both directions
And what do I see
Is it a bridge or a chasm
Will I cross or fall
Will I break and heal
Or lose all that I am
I struggle and fight
But only want
To take flight
Do I do it
On my knees
Or in the dark
Of night
Will it matter
Will the tears
Ever be wiped away
Will I ever stand
With Him
Hand in hand
It is all that
I've wanted
What choice
Will I make
Will I bow
In reverence
Or will I break
Will you wrap
Me in your arms
With sweet and
Loving Grace
This is my song
Take my hand
So I can stand
To love you
Stronger each day.

I was in a perfect storm at that moment. But few would have known it or been able to see it. Because while the storm is brewing I can put a smile on my face and, for the most part, go about my business. And then the storm will hit full force and the battle is intense. Ok...enough said for now. I pray for all of us who fight this storm for whatever reasons.

I guess you could say that the poem was a prayer.