In the event that you would move him back home, do they have a policy where they will (for a fee) keep his bed reserved for a certain amount of time? If they do, how long is the reserve time?

I moved my daughter back home 3 times in 2 years time before I could finally do what was best and leave her there. I wish I could have known earlier, but it took me that many tries before I knew in my heart for sure that what everyone else could see was true.

Hold on, Nikki

Awww sweet ((((Nikki)))). We're here for you. I understand what a trauma this all is for you. Change is so hard, let alone the change you are going through. Just remember this...you need to stay healthy. Is your sister there yet?

And hey! We have February almost under our belts! Won't be long before the warm weather comes back, the grass, the leaves, those sunsets, birds, flowers. Oh I can hardly wait. I swear winter gets harder the older you get!

You are so strong and wonderful, you will get through this. Maybe when you freak out, you can remember how difficult it was for you to take care of your sweetheart at home.

I love you. We're all here for you.

Well its two weeks today that he has been in the nursing home. He is adjusting better this week than the first, and I can only hope and pray he will continue to adjust and God willing find some peace.

((twink)) you could never offend me You are right, it was harder on both of us with me being there so much. I could see that being there less was better for him in just 2 days. He no longer paced the halls looking for me. When I went in on the second day, he was laying in bed watching TV. He jumped up when I got there and gave me a huge hug and asked if we were going home. That is still so hard

I wasn't able to go yesterday for the first time due to the snow storm we had. They said he didn't do too badly. He still asks them where I am , but they feel he is starting to adjust. I am not sure if the correct word should be adjust, I think it is more - breaking his spirit

He still isn't eating well. But then again neither am I. They put him on an anti depressant and hope that will help in a couple of weeks. I sure hope so. I know he needs to be there. Sunday he lost his glasses, he was convinced someone stole them. He had a fit! Started throwing things and making fists at me...... sigh....... I went to his nurse and told her I was leaving and how upset he was. As soon as he saw her, his whole demeanor changed. She distracted him while I safely left. I keep telling myself, he needs to be there. He is safe and well taken care of. (see Tina, I am doing my homework )

((Sue)) I don't think I could ever go through this transition period again. Not sure I am going to make it this time. Damn, not sure how you survived doing this 3 times in 2 years! ACCCCK. I am going to give it at least the recommended 30 days.... sigh. They will hold a bed, for $130 a day, but only for medical purposes, like if he had to go into the hospital.

With March here, trying to cope with Dad's suicide, and trying to deal with placing Lynn.. I am in a perpetual state of depression and nausea. My stomach is in knots. I throw up daily, and the damn snow isn't helping with that. I am told I have MMD (major depressive disorder) and PTSD. I am on new medications to try and help with this. But, home just doesn't feel like home any more .. and I don't think any medication can fix that

Everyone keeps telling me it is time to start a new life for me. Go out and enjoy your freedom. Freedom? "My Lynn", his ghost - is being held captive by Alzheimer's relentless torture. He is lost and trapped inside himself. There can be no "freedom" for me until he is released from his hell. Our hell.

I am not sure why I am so nervous about going to see him today. Maybe because I didn't go yesterday, and I worry about the effect it had on him. Maybe because I know I am to face another visit with him asking if we can go home. Or can I just stay with him now.... I know it is the right thing for him. But how can doing the right thing, cause so much damn guilt. Accccck

K, time to get ready... I will try to be back. I need to be here...... thank you all once again for being here with me. Much love my friends

Glad you checked in, sweetie. Sounds like things are becoming more "routine." I know that will help both of you.

Sorry about the lousy weather. I hope your visit today goes smoothly.

Thinking of you and praying that you both will be able to adapt to your new lifestyles. *sigh So sad, I know, but good that you got the help you needed.

(((Nik-key)))

Hi Sweet Cheeks. It sounds as if it will get better for you and hubby as far as the facility goes.

March came in here like a lamb. Whether it goes out like a lion or lamb...who knows...but it will be over, I promise you that.

Nik-key

I hope you know you are in my thoughts daily, although I have no words to comfort you please know if good thoughts could ease your pain you would be blissful.

As you are living your life today , I see my future in your struggle. The only difference is my Mom is the victim of this horrendous disease and not my husband.

I admire your strength and only hope I can be as brave as you are when I have to make those heartwrenching decisions.

Dottie

nik,

I kept on thinking about Lyn the past few days...

I had gotten really sick and I wondered what would happen, if moss would have to make the same decision that you'd had to...

in my now very conscious mind. I would hate to be in a home....in a place of unfamiliarity and where I have to deal with people that I don't know...and away from my dearest moss...

but then, it IS my dearest moss that I would worry and consider, how much of a burden I would've imposed on her and how I would affect her life...

I would sign a piece of paper, as a matter of fact, I am going to do it in actuality. That I would let moss make the decision of putting me in a home no matter how hard I resist it....

it is because I love her so very much....

I would want her to know that my deep deep love for her, that no matter how much I scream, yell, or cry that I want to go home. That as long as she knows that the home I am in will take care of me, that she will keep me there, no matter how heartbreaking it would be for her...

because in the simplest things that we do around the house, I find that we would argue who WOULD do the dishes rather than who SHOULD do the dishes....

two people that would argue to do the dishes because they love each other like we do would argue that we die for each other...

I BELIEVE that about you and Lynn....

I often think of Doctor Oliver Sack's book and I cannot remember which one...

he talked about how music heals and how music can also be painful..

I wonder if Lynn's resistance to music is based on something painful

yet, there IS a type of music that he loves....

YOUR VOICE

I dunno, thinking out loud here....maybe a couple of DVD's of you or a CD of your voice, singing to him or reading him a story and something

that when he's upset, that they can put in the DVD or the CD in for him?

within it all...I so much feel your pain...because I have been feeling a lost and pain all day today...and while it's different, I share your heartache with you....

((((BIG HUGS))))

and I am so thankful for everyone here...and for their support to you and of each other....

Life was never meant to be easy, we struggle, we have friends, we grow wings to fly instead of falling. I think of you always Nikki. All of you... My heart breaks over and over, and I allow it. I share your joy, your sorrows, your prayers, your pain, and I know that I am alive! And then I allow your love, strength, and fortitude help to make me whole again. (forgive me if I seen to be emotional and philosphical today, because I am )

Hmmm ((Doody)) March came in like a rabid lion here Wouldn't mind if it went out like a lamb. You are right though, one way or another this month will be over. Lord give me strength!

((Moi)) When Lynn was himself, before Alzheimer's claimed him, he would have taken a bullet for me! If he was in his right mind, he would insist that he stay in the nursing home, he would hate what this is doing to me. Sadly, he isn't in his right mind, and thinks nothing is wrong with him. *sigh

My sis went with me today, his first visitor. It went better than I feared. He did ask her to take him home. I knew he would, but we told him she was going to Massachusetts. He hates Mass! He said, well, I don't want to go there! lol

He is getting better about staying. He still hates it. Still asks to go home every visit. But the time frame in which he is drastically upset is getting less each time. He believes I am upstairs in the hospital. All the staff is wonderful in keeping this "fiblet" ( therapeutic lie) Never dreamed I would lie all the damn time to my husband. It doesn't sit well with me, but it is the kindest thing I can do for him.

We had a big meeting with all the heads of the home, about his care plan. They all feel the adjustment period has begun for him. Some of these folks have seen me on my knees sobbing for all I am worth. They rubbed my arm and said he is doing much better than you are dear. I believe them.

He no longer paces and paces. Every time I go in he is either laying down on his bed watching TV or reading his newspapers or looking at picture books. They will slowly try to introduce him to activities and let him set the pace as to what he wants to be involved in. I still do his sponge baths and make him change his clothes.... he is still very aggressive in not wanting to do this. But, they will slowly try to take over these tasks too.

He still isn't eating well. This is a big concern of mine. Due to Alzheimer's destroying the part of his brain that controls metabolism, he can't gain weight. At home he ate all the time and still lost weight! Not even a feeding tube could make him gain weight. He was already down to 117 eating all the time!! So, not eating much is very troubling to me

They are going to have someone from nutrition come sit with him for at least two meals a day to try to distract him and coax him to eat. He will eat lunch for me every day, but only because I have to bribe him, much like you would a child. *sigh. But, whatever works!

Its' hard. Harder than I ever imagined in my worst of thoughts. But, I know he needs to be there. More important, I know he is safe! I am going to start going to the support groups I should have been going to all along, but couldn't because I had to stay with him 24/7. They have a bereavement therapy class for Alzheimer spouses they want me to attend. Grief, it is all I feel now. I think I will go.

Not sure how I am surviving this, but I do know you have all made it easier for me. I can't thank you enough Much love, Nikki