((((Nikki)))) It sounds better each time you come in and I am so greatful for that. I wish I could make it all better for you sweet thing. You are always in my prayers. I love you and leaving you a warm tight hug tonight.

As I said in the wonder thread, I have been sick and haven't been able to see Lynn for 3 whole days!! Now, I am nervous as hell to go see him. What the hell? I WANT to see him!!! I just can't bear the will you stay with me? Can we go home? Accck, rips my heart to pieces.

I have been thinking about this, even had a couple of dreams about it. Not sure if you ever watched the Notebook? Everyone tells me what a wonderful movie that was. How it is so real, and sheds the light on Alzheimer's. It does show some of the hell, but it doesn't begin to cover it.

What ticks me off about this movie is the ending. In a rare "clear" moment, they lay down together, as man and wife. Embracing each other. Then, they both pass away together. Now that makes for a nice fairy tale ending. But, that is not real life.

I laid with Lynn on our last visit. And I begged God, as I have each visit, to just take us both. Didn't happen. He is there lost in his own little world. And I am here, wherever here is, without him

Oh dear Nik-key, I'm so worried for you right now.

I'm so sorry for being so blunt, but I wonder if you have any support there besides the medication you've been prescribed? There is no way in the world, and this is just my opinion of course, that you could possibly deal with all you're dealing with right now without some personal support and I don't just mean online support, I mean real life support and real life professional support. Medications are fine to a point. They can help some people and they can help in certain circumstances.

Movies like the Notebook are really hollywood love stories. They're not real life, Niki. They're manufactured. Sure they play on the emotions and I actually loved the movie the way it was made, but I knew it wasn't reality because of my own experiences with people who have Alzheimer's. Reality and movies are totally different things.

Do you have anyone there to talk with there about the way you're feeling?
Please don't beg your god to take you both. That is so worrying to hear you say that.

Who is helping you through this most awful time? Do you have friends or family there with you? Do you have regular appointments with a social worker or someone in the medical field? Please tell us more about what steps you're taking to not feel this way.

I agree with Lara, nik...

besides on line, I think you need to talk to someone and let out something gut wrenching and really just be able to say what's on your mind, all cuss words involved that you'd like to use and anything goes, no holds barred...

then they are just there to listen and then can hold you afterwards...

I know you have your sister and such but I think a professional or a pastor or someone that you have faith and trust in...

I am so so sorry that this is so heart breaking for you....I can only offer you some ((((BIG HUGS)))) and let you know that we care...

hugging my monitor and hoping that you'll feel that...

The car is running... but I can't make myself go out the door....

((lara)) *sigh.... I'm trying. I am taking ALL the medications the doctors have given me. I see my doctor 2 times a week to be monitored. He loves me, I am thankful I have one who cares so much for me. Course I love him too. He wants me in the hospital, he fears another break down.

I know it sounds odd, and I know it is wrong, but I don't fear it, I welcome it. After Dad killed himself, I did have a break down. But, the wonderful thing about it, is the wonderful bliss of numbness that comes with it. I wouldn't mind being able not to feel all that I do right now.

I am not trying to run from it, or hide from it. I just want a break from it.

I re-read what I wrote... I wish I could say it isn't how I feel, but it is. I do beg God to take us both. I want Lynn's hell to end, more than anything in this world. Yet, I can't fathom being here without him. Yet, I already am.. *sigh

I do have my wonderful family. They have held me when I cry, they know the pain I am in. The trouble is, we are all suffering right now trying to deal with Dad's suicide. I don't want to further burden their weary souls.

I am going to start grief therapy soon, next week. I know it will be a good thing for me. I cry and cry, rant and scream, cry and cry, but it brings no release *sigh

Please know, I am not suicidal. It is not an option for me. Ever. I thank you ((lara)) and you too ((Moi)) for reaching out to me

Ok buck up girl... deep breaths... OK! I am going to see Lynn now.

you got me mistiis with your post, nik...

((((BIG HUGS)))) and I hope you have a good visit with Lyn...

Maybe you want your god to take away the pain and the suffering. I totally understand that.

Have a good visit today.

Just doing a little catching up on this thread. How did your most recent visit go, Nikki?

And when is your support group meeting?

I'm glad you're planning on going to the meetings now that you have some help with Lynn. Praying for you and your family, dear Nikki.

Oh, Nikki know that my prayer are with you and I hold you dear in my heart!!

Just want to leave some hugs and love for your, Nik