Dear Nikkey,

I want to respond to your questions and echo and definite affirmation to what Koala already said. Here...on the other side of the earth...it is the same.

Your Lynn will be treated as the individual he has always been. You will help the staff to know him and teach them what works. If diversion works...they will do that. If singing or music works....they will sing. If just holding works....they will hug. If walking works...they will walk. If one thing works yesterday but not today....another will be tried.

Our activity and nursing staff learned everything they could about each person and each interaction was sprinkled with that knowledge and affirmation. For example, a man good with his hands might be greeted with, "HI Tom! How is my favorite handy man?"
Birthdays would be celebrated, children frequently present, families always welcomed. EAch person was treated with dignity and as an individaul.

You have opened a floodgate of wonderful memories for me as I remember precious moments with these special people and their families.
Of Annie....who sang her way through her days like a never ending opera.
Of Laura....who thought her roomate was trying to rent her "apartment".
Of Norma...who would look to have me sing "Hello Norma" (to the tune of "Hello Dolly") before she would take her pills
Of Francis...who would take visiting children for a wheel chair ride and play the piano
Of Russell...who told me his WWII story often each day til I could say it by heart
Of Carmie...who didn't know the nice bald man but looked forward to him bringing her a donut each day and sit and hold her hand (her husband) .
Of Harold...who was always trying to "fix" things and would make us laugh with his sense of humor
Of Tom...whose wife would lie in bed next to him and just hold him
Of Helen...who would tell me of her babies and be so content holding a doll
Of Paul...who loved to dance
Of Josephine...alway "going" somewhere with her purse slung on her shoulder.

I can tell you there were way many more smiles than tears. Many more giggles than growls. Many more hugs than hits.

Forgive my wanting to indulge my memories. I just want you to know that one day soon, Lynn's and Nikkey's lives will be entwhined with new, caring people who will help Lynn have a "beautiful sunset", while holding your hand during the last goodbye.

Now I am crying with you....

Dear Nikki I have been in Nursing too and worked on the private wing in a nursing home and taken care of Alzheimer's patients myself. IT WILL BE OK. Change is hard, but adjustment happens, and it WILL be healing! God is giving you the opportunity and time you need with your dear mother. And I am overjoyed that you have made this hard decision. And we will be here for you as you walk through it!

Moi, I want to add to that menu of yours:
Fried wings of hope....

Thank you all.. very much

Moss I can hardly see through the tears... but I wanted to thank you for sharing your heart with me. You have given me hope and peace, such a gift

I've got big ole tears in my eyes too Moss..... Memories....

Harold... Telling me i've got nice legs for a big gal LOL
June... ALWAYS playing the piano. it amazed me that she never forgot how to do this.
Flo....my sweet flo... she always called me her sister.
Dorthy...nonverbal except for the word "wonderful" most often heard during meal time....
Betty...Mother of 10 who always thought she was pregnant and carried a baby doll around with her.
J.P. a very quiet man who needed hugs several times a day, and he got them!!!
Kandy...her and I shared the same birthday. She loved Bananas. when she would not eat anything else she'd always eat a peanutbutter and banana sandwich.

Nikki, I know this was a hard decision for you but I can guarentee Lynn will receive the best of care. The people who work with memory care residents are a special breed. Not everyone can do it. Not everyone likes it, but for those of us who DO do it.... we love our jobs, and we love our residents.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has called me to do what I do. Thats why i've stuck it out through the tough times.

((goofy)) Thanks you I have always thought that those who can work in nursing homes, childrens hospitals, cancer wards etc etc .. were angels on earth. I have seen the angels, and now I know more here in my SOS family

It brings me great comfort hearing from you and moss and koala... it makes me know he will not just be a faceless name, a demented old man - to those I am trusting to care for him now.

I am going through our pictures... our life.... I want to have some blown up for his walls. I want to make an album for him. And I am trying to decide if I should have a pillow or a throw done with our wedding picture..

I came across this one and couldn't help but smile, and cry....This was my last truly happy Christmas(2005). My Gram was still with us (she died on Jan 3rd) Lynn still knew and loved us, and Daddy was still here..... Life was good.... I would give anything to be able to go back there.... I played this at Daddy's service..... It is playing in my mind today... Everything I own

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whD2TtZYejI

Oh dear Nikki...that song brought me to the floor in tears for you. I can feel your deep pain. ((((hugs)))) We love you... Loss is so hard, and especially in this way. Please do add those special touches to his room, it will touch the nurses and staff and they will be even more caring of him. I could add my own experiences with patients but its not necessary. We do love them, and care for them with love and compassion. He will get better care this way. There are more people to do it. And you will have more energy to give him even more of yourself. Take care dear friend....lots of ssssss and prayers.....

Thinking of and praying for you everyday ((Nikki)).

I know this thread is just depressing as hell..... it means so much to me that you all keep coming back to offer me your support and love Sharing in the happy times is such a blessing, but sharing in each others pain, that is a gift. One I treasure deeply. Thank you all, from the deepest part of my heart for being here for me

Lynn and I have always loved Collin Raye. He always sang two songs to me...
If you get there before I do and In this life (I was loved by you)

After Lynn was diagnosed, I heard a song about dementia... it hit me hard. It was sung by Collin Raye, so fitting. It is a sad song, but it gives me hope too. I pray for the time when - Lynn's gonna fly.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpVXk56PhFU

She's gonna fly

This is the woman
Who had all the answers
The one I would lean on
For comfort, for strength
She's never forgotten
One grandchild's birthday
Now she can't remember my name
And it makes me so angry
I shake my fist
And cry out to the heavenly one
Why would you play
Such a cold hearted trick
I thought your job was to love
And the answer came down from above

She's gonna fly
When her time here is through
First she'll have to let go
Of some things she can't use
'Cause people and places
Memories and faces
Are just way too heavy it seems
To carry on angel's wings

This is the woman
Who saw things so clearly
The one who could pick out
One crumb on the floor
She saw through a white lie
Saw me through love's eyes
She hardly can see anymore
And it makes me so sad
And it just isn't fair
Why should so much be taken away
But when I cry out
For all that she's lost
I silently hear someone say

She's gonna fly
When her time here is through
First she'll have to let go
Of some things she can't use
'Cause people and places
Memories and faces
Are just way too heavy it seems
To carry on angel's wings

And oh, the wonders she'll see
And I know she'll remember
To watch over me

She's gonna fly
When her time here is through
First she'll have to let go
Of some things she can't use
'Cause people and places
Memories and faces
Are just way too heavy it seems
To carry on angel's wings

Nikki, I don't find this thread depressing as hell but filled with your love for Lynn and our members love and compassion for you. It's painful to see what you have had to give up...are continuing to have to give up but there is such dignity in the way you share this change in your life.

*************


"Often with loss, especially if it has been sudden and untimely, we are tempted to dig in our heels at the last moment before the loss occured.
We will resist. We do not consent.

It is a way of trying to hold on to the loved one, the person we knew before tragedy struck. It is also a form of denial. To rejoin life is to accept what has happened. But it is unacceptable. We will hold our breath, living in a suspended state of noncompliance, until the universe relents, changes its mind - or least apologizes, acknowledging its crime.

This will not happen. It is we who will be bypassed. Better, as soon as possible, to realize that the terms are different now, and begin to live in this changed reality."


Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman