And I can ask Doc to make a permanent room if y'all want.

:grouphug:

hi nik,

I hope you got some sleep last night.

This is such a tough and raw subject but I bet you are opening eyes and stopping folks that were thinking about "IT"

(((BIG HUGS)))

:grouphug:

(((Nikki))) Waaaay to soon to feel anything akin to forgiveness, or to feel acceptance....now that cocoon is wearing off...the one that has protected you from the reality of what he's done to you all. And anger takes center stage. ~sigh

Like you, my dear neighbor is facing the one year anniversary of her son killing himself (March 12th). I had an email from her saying that she'd gone to get her hair cut and the stylist asked her how many children she has and she lost it completely, broke down sobbing in the chair. :( Of course then she felt terrible for the woman who couldn't stop apoligizing.

Suicide is an awful, awful legacy to leave your loved ones. :(

Keep talking to us Nikki...that's why we're here. :grouphug:

I have been sitting here for a full two hours, staring at the screen trying to put to words the torture my mind is in.... I can't.

((Alffe)) I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo relieved to see you here tonight. You ground me:hug: I know that you know, and I don't feel so alone. Your poor neighbor, I think of her all the time. Even more so this week. :( She is blessed to have you in her life, as am I:hug:

I really appreciate all the hugs, support prayers and love from ALL of you :hug: I don't know how I would have survived this year without you:hug:

I feel so full of overpowering emotions..... and yet I feel empty at the same time. Such contradictions to be feeling simultaneously.

I'm not suicidal. I will never to do to my family what Dad has done. It is not even a option to think on now. I hurt like hell, I don't want to be here. I truly want nothing more than to end Lynn's hell and go with him.

I wonder sometimes, if people can look down on us from Heaven?

Sometimes, it pains me to think of how devastated Dad would be if he could see the pain he has inflicted on all who love him. I wonder how it must effect him, to see that he has destroyed my life?
His families lives....

Other times I think, everyone says you can't feel pain in Heaven... and then I think, now how unfair is that? His pain has ended, yet look at all the pain he has left behind. Then I feel guilty. The very last thing I want is for Dad to feel pain.

I talk to him all time. No two conversations are ever the same. At times, I cry, rant and scream at him. Other times I beg him to come take me with him. Still other times, I whisper words of love and let him know he will always be my hero.

Yet, every conversation always ends the same ..... no matter how mad I am, I always tell him how much I love him. Then I fall apart. Then comes the question that I know in my heart and soul will ALWAYS haunt me.... until I draw my very last breath, I will always ask.....WHY Dad????? Damn it WHY????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It isn't as simple as asking why he killed himself. That why, is a loaded question.......

Why didn't you let me know?

Why didn't you call me, instead of pulling that trigger?

Why didn't you give me a chance to help you?

Why didn't you let me at the very least say goodbye?

Why didn't you reach out for help? (like you taught me!)

Why didn't you stay and fight? (like you taught me!)

Why didn't you love me enough stay?

Why did you pick the day after your sons birthday?

Why did you shoot yourself right outside the front door?

Why did you make it so we had to see what you had done?

There are many more whys too personal and graphic to post.....

Even more haunting than the whys, are the WHAT IF questions...

It is the what if's that have the power to destroy ones very soul. People say you can feel your heart break. I am here to tell you, you can also feel your soul breaking.

Nikki, please know that you are on my mind, and in my prayers.

I'm glad that Lynn is settling in and the move is causing you a little less pain. We understand some of how you feel, but what we do understand is how strong you have been Nikki. Things will get better. The worst is over now, and Lynn will settle more, and soon your visits will be enjoyable instead of you leaving every day with a pain in your heart.

He's in a safe place now Nikki. Please know that you've done the right thing. It's what Lynn would have wanted. :hug:


Also...... we, your friends, know that you have an anniversary date coming up soon and please remember that everyone of us here will be there to hold your hand, and to dry your tears. We will loan you a shoulder to lean on should you feel the need. We will listen to your words of woe if you have any of those to say. We will hold you in our hearts and we will hold you in our arms. Even if there's distance between us in mileage, there will be no distance in love.

You will get through this Nikki, and we will be here to help you do it..

We care Nikki. We are all here for you. :hug:

My heart goes out to you, Nikki. You must be a very strong person. I admire you.

Dear Nik-Key
 

I feel your pain. We are on earth to bear each others burdens,so what you are doing is bringing healing. Anger is part of the process of healing,and I don't think that you will have it very long.

It's good that you are not pinning it up in yourself. It's good to get these things out in the open with us who care about you. I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. BF:hug::hug::hug:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXHFIuW64S4



David

God this subject is so hard so distressing...............give us all the strength to support and not judge...............because all plans in theory are made by you...therefore all anger.......and ..un-answered questions should therefore come your way, for yoUr wisdom and explanation.............

ps:....... remind ME why you dropped free will in our laps.......and was this just A sick get out clause?

dont worry YOU.... all........... under freedom of speech...............i can question god....nature........and Science....why?............because i have FREE WILL = BESTOWED BY GOD... to make the right and/or wrong choices........................................

i just pray the 2 footprints in the dust beneath me are you carrying me again lord........................................

((Koala)) Thank you for the lovely post and for remembering Lynn:hug: I DO know you and everyone else is here for me and I appreciate it greatly:hug:Thank you too, for you help earlier today, meant a great deal to me dear friend:hug:

((Barbo)) ((Steve)) thank you:hug:

((David)) God and I are not on speaking terms at the moment. But, I do thank you for the video.:hug: I have always understood what you are saying about free will and choices.

I also understand suicidal thoughts. I personally think it is normal to have these thoughts. I imagine most of the population at one time or another has had them. Major or traumatic events, chronic pain, etc..these things lead to depression, and these thoughts, if left untreated lead to suicidal thoughts. It is a vicious cycle.

As much as I understand having the thoughts, it is completely different when one actually takes their life. I don't expect anyone to understand this. Unless you have lost someone you deeply love to suicide, you can't.

As much as I understand free will and choices......Through my pain,
I can only see Dad's choice was the wrong one, and a very selfish one.

I don't judge others on a whole. It is something I take pride in. But when someone does something, that greatly impacts MY life, like Dad's suicide... I figure I damn well earned the right.

His pain has ended, yet he left every single person who loved him in insurmountable grief.

He thought to end the hell that was haunting him. What he couldn’t see….
Is now, a new and certain hell, lives in every single person he left behind.
A hell, he inflicted upon us.

How can anyone rationalize that is ever ok?

How can one justify ending one persons pain, when it leaves so many others in a living hell?

As you can gather, I am not in a good place right now… I think I will leave before I say something I shouldn’t

Nik-key I'm seeking information. You said that your dad was outside the door when he pulled the trigger. Are you sure that he wasn't murdered,and made to look like a suicide. If this bothers you please,please forgive me. This crossed my mind earlier when I was reading one of your posts.

My favorite Uncle was murdered when he was locking his Supermarket door. He was leaving. It was reported that three people came up to him,and they reached around his back,and put a gun to his chest,and pulled the trigger. When I found out it was a horrible shock. He loved life,and was even in WWII,and injured in Italy,but survived. My dad was in WWII also,mostly in the islands.

I was around twenty when my uncle was shot. They think it was the rowdy people who he kicked out of the store earlier. This left something like a void in the family. It's been there for many years,but the grief subsided. It left a big mystery,and why did this happen?

Again,I was just wondering,since he was outside the door,and not inside from what I could interpret that you said. I hope this doesn't upset you in me asking this question. BF:hug::hug::hug::Heart::hug::hug::hug: