I am always open and honest with my doctors. How can they help you if you aren’t? When I made a plan after Dad took his life, I called him and told him. When I had to place Lynn and knew I was losing the battle, I called him. It isn't easy reaching out. But it is better than the alternative!

"People can not help you if you are not willing to help yourself." Dad taught me that. Drilled it into my head from early childhood. And, "Always take responsibility for your own actions, never quit, never be afraid to ask for help."

Yet, he didn't. He let his pain consume him to the point he thought taking his own life was the only option. He didn't reach out, he didn't seek help. Part of me is very ****** at him for this.

If he cut himself badly, he would go get stitches... if his tooth was killing him, he would go to the dentist.........yet he was losing the fight for his very life, and he did nothing. He didn't call his doctor, he didn't tell his family, and the most hurtful and core cutting.. he didn't tell me.

We were so damn close. When I was diagnosed with my nerve diseases, it hurt so badly I just wanted to die. I knew I could not survive with this pain for the rest of my life. I didn't want to.

Dad and I had long talks. Many tears were shed, our souls connected at a deeper level. I still remember to this very day what he told me then... part of it was...."You can't give up Nikki!! NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!! I need you, don't give up! Stay for me, Stay and fight! I will help you, I will always be here for you to lean on"

I believed him. He was my Daddy, why wouldn't I? Yet, when he had these same thoughts, when he hurt so badly he just wanted to die, he didn't tell me. He didn't stay and fight. I stayed and fought just as he asked me. Yet, he didn't stay for me. He isn't here for me to lean on. He isn't here at all.
He destroyed my world.

He destroyed my family. March 13, is my oldest brothers birthday. Dad killed himself the next day. Instead of planning a family birthday party for my brother- as we always have every other year of our lives... this year ALL we can think about is March 14th, the day Dad killed himself. My brother will never have another happy birthday. NEVER! Nice gift to give your son Dad My family will never be whole again. Dad's suicide has effected every single aspect of our lives.

Do I think suicide is selfish? Yes I do. I am sorry if that offends some of you. But this is a safe place to express our feelings. Right? Now, knowing the hell left behind for the loved ones to try to survive, suicide will never be ok in my eyes. I know what suicide does to those you leave behind. How can that ever be ok??!! Now, I personally feel... suicide is not only the ultimate F you ((Alffe)) But I also feel it is the ultimate selfish act.

Am I saying I don't understand the thoughts? Hell no! I get it! I have been there more times than I care to admit. I was in so much pain I wanted to die. You know what? I am STILL in that pain to this day. I will be for the rest of my life. But, I am still here fighting. I understand pain, I understand depression.

I guess what I am trying to say is, as with any other affliction or illness, one must seek help to overcome what haunts them, depresses them or makes the thought of suicide so appealing. You can't wish these problems away. Just as cancer needs chemo, depression (etc), needs medical attention as well. I am depressed as hell. All I can feel is grief multiplied by more grief.

I'm not going to just sit here and wish to die. I am not going to just sit here and do nothing! I called my doctor. This is the same doctor who treated me for my breakdown after Dad's suicide last March. I told him I was not suicidal, I just didn’t want to be here anymore.

When he saw me he said " Look Nik, I am really worried about you. You are talking in monotones, you are shaking uncontrollably, you lost 12 pounds in one week, how about we take you to the hospital for some testing?"

I agreed. Among other things, I found out I have dangerously low serotonin levels. My doctor has put me on SSRI’s (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) In the information he gave me and the research I have been doing, it makes me wonder what Dad's levels were.

I can't help but think, had he only reached out, had only sought help... we would now be planning my brothers birthday party, instead of trying to figure out how to survive the one year anniversary marking his suicide.

I sit here just as stunned as I was last year. My Dad killed himself
WHY??!! WHAT IF??!!