Those feelings, unfortunately, can become a deep dark 'secret' and as Snoopy said, easier to hide than you might think. I am not proud of the fact that I do it, and can hide it from anyone, but it is a fact. One that I am trying to change. I was saved from my attempts, somehow, and I sometimes feel guilty about it. I am very sorry that your dad wasn't. I don't understand it either, I wish I did. All I know is we have to work harder to try to help those who can't talk about it. It is just too easy to hide. All we have to do is look at all the pain around us and the people who are trying to cope with suicide from all angels. Love you Nikki....like our dear Alffe says....time....a lot of time.....ss
understanding and love....

The people you leave behind "will experience: sudden loss, sudden pain, and sudden grief. There is a difference between natural and unnatural death. The one we can bear and learn to live with because, as we become aware of death through the natural death of someone we know and love, we come to accept our own deaths and hope to approach them with grace and dignity. But with unnatural death, with sudden death, with suicide, there is no time to prepare for this loss. We are caught cold. And we are left with questions, questions no one can answer for us.

After the fact, we wonder and we wonder and we wonder, "What if?" we ask. "If only?" we ponder. "Couldn't we have had just one more hour or one more day to talk you out of it?" "Isn't there something that could have been said or done that would have made all this pain and agony unnecessary?" We wonder. We wonder....

In a word, none of us is prepared for sudden and unnatural death. Accidents that kill people are tragedies. Suicides, by comparison, are double tragedies - because, of all sudden deaths, they could have been prevented."

Suicide, The Forever Decision by Paul G. Quinnett


******************

Mistiis you are the very definition of a survivor...you are surviving your own thoughts and you are sparing your loved ones this nightmare of being "left behind".

((steve)) ((snoopy)) ((mistiis)) ((alffe)) Thank you all so much

This is so damn hard!! And I am sure it will be all jumbled, but I am going to start rambling here.. trying to get some of this pain out so it doesn't consume me. Please Please know.... I would never intentionally hurt any of you. This is just me, speaking from my heart, trying to share my raw pain. I know it is such a difficult topic to talk about. But we must keep talking.......

I didn't sleep at all last night. I was tormented and full of emotions. In my thinking and searching for those illusive answers I tried, very hard... to be fair to my Dad, the man I love so deeply.

I do understand completely how people hide their pain. I do it every single day of my life. After my diagnoses, the pain was so intense it brought me screaming to my knees. I couldn't hide it if I wanted to.

With time, I learned to find ways to cover it up. Right or wrong I thought it a sign of weakness to show my pain. I absolutely hate for anyone to see my cry. It is something I avoid at all costs. It is my pain, and it is extremely personal to me.

At first my coping skills were very primal, when the pain and attacks were to the point I just couldn't stand it another second, I would try to distract myself from that pain, by creating a new pain. I can't tell you how many times I have broken toes kicking things. eeek

Rarely does it reach that extreme now. The pain is still great, but through the years I have learned better coping techniques. With that, also came my better skills at hiding my pain. Today, people say things like, your disabled? You look great, I never would have known. Silly people, I am sure you all know the type... the ones who think if they can't see your pain, if it isn't wrapped up in a cast or bleeding.. it doesn't hurt, you must be fine. It doesn't bother me now though. It means success to me. I have hidden my pain. There is a saying I like, strength is no more than how well you hide your pain.

My point is sharing this is.. I get it. I totally understand the want and need to hide ones pain from the world.

But, I am not talking about the world. I am talking about my Dad.

We were so damn close. We saw each other every single week at least once, often much more. We talked on the phone all the time. I have never lived more than 15 minutes from him in my whole entire life!!!

He was the first person I called with good new. He was the only person I wanted when the world was cruel. He would give me one of his bear hugs, the kind that lasted until you pulled away, so tight, so protective. You just KNEW you were safe. You knew you could survive anything!

It wasn't a one way street. Dad also came to me. We shared everything. Or .. so I thought. His smile could light the world. It certainly touched my soul. God I could just sob thinking of all the laughter, the good time and bad that we shared.

He was more than a dad.... he was my very best friend. My rock. My soft place to land. My hero.

That he could have been in so much emotional pain that he saw killing himself as the only option... has the power to destroy me!!! It just cuts me to the core thinking of the pain he must have been in

That he couldn't or wouldn't tell me, is the worst injustice ever dealt me. It rips me apart that he didn't reach out. I know many feel it was his life, it was his right to end. I do not believe that. Please, understand I say this in pain. I feel he had no damn right to kill himself. He had no right to leave this total destruction behind.

I am so torn. I want to remember all the love we shared. The laughter the tears. I want to remember him as he was, my hero. I absolutely hate having any bad thoughts about him and I am ****** at him for making me have them.

Curious' words yesterday... forgive the person, not the action. That really hit me. Thank you again curious This is what I am now going to strive to do. I believe with more time and soul searching I can forgive Dad. I will never forgive the action. I will forever be torn apart that he was in such insurmountable pain. But I will never forgive his act. Never.

I know his pain must have been unimaginable. And it just kills me to feel this way.... but I can't pretend I don't. As much as I love him, I still think he was so very selfish. Perhaps with time, I can seperate the man from the act. So it wont kill me to think of my Dad this way!!!!.... I can instead think the act was selfish.

((twink)) you asked if I am still involved with the coalition. I am. With placing Lynn in February and Dad's anniversary I haven't gone to the last few meetings. But I keep in contact by email and I plan to keep trying to make a difference.

This is where I truly, truly, hope I do not offend anyone. I have a question. How, can we as a society bring suicide out of the darkness.... if those suffering do not reach out?

I keep thinking about this.. I don't want to!! I just can't help it. If Dad had only reached out, he would still be here. I would not have let him go. I would have moved Heaven and Hell to help him. But, he didn't give me the chance........

I feel completely robbed. He stole so much from me. My family is destroyed. We now have pain so great we can't imagine how we are suppose to live with it. His suicide didn't stop the pain... the pain has now spread to each of us left behind.

Such a conflict of emotion I feel. Love and anger. Guilt yet resentment. I know only one thing right now. I NEED to make some kind of sense out of his senseless death. I just don't know how .…… Yet.

For all of you who post, or just read here... those of you who have so much pain in your hearts..... who fight and fight to find the strength and hope to hang on...... Please, reach out. You would NOT be a burden to your family or friends! I assure you, it would have been my greatest honor and privilege to have help Dad.

YOU are the whole world to someone. Find that person and reach out!!! I still feel, and perhaps always will.. that Dad just did not love me enough to hold on.

Allow yourself to love enough.... to hold on.

Allow yourself to be loved enough... to help you hold on

Nikki, if your dear Dad had been thinking rationally and clearly, I have NO DOUBT: HE LOVED YOU "ENOUGH!"

I'm glad you are able to separate the Act from the Person. Concentrate on the Person and the happy memories. Let those good times bring peace and comfort to your troubled heart.


And I'm glad to know you are still involved with the Coalition.

Sigh* ..............................

I don't want to cause you more pain. I just want to explain and share in the hopes it will help you but, I'm not sure it will so please forgive me if it makes you feel worse.

I have been married to a very wonderful man for almost 28 years and I have put him through a lot yet he is still standing by my side inspite of everything.

I was first dx'd with PTSD in Feb 2004 after a traumatic event that shattered my world.

My mental and emotional pain was so deep I could not cope. I went internal. I could not even share what I was feeling with my husband who was/is my rock, my hero, my safe place. I could not share my pain with the only person who has stood by me and I know that caused him great pain. I will be eternally sorry.

I journaled daily, it was so ugly, full of pain and hate - pain and hate that was hidden from everyone. I was writing good bye letters to my children, to my husband and spewing all the anger and hurt that had brought me to where I was.

I just want you to understand your dad did not mean to bring so much pain to you, he would not want you to be in so much pain. His pain, whatever it was, consumed him and he was no longer rational. I am positive he loved/loves you and will always be by your side - talk to him, he can hear you.

I hope and pray you can find a way to be at peace

There is a song "Back of my Heart" in my sig line. It explains how I have felt and maybe that was how your dad felt...I don't know.

((snoopy)) honest from the heart sharing, could never make me feel worse. Thank you for caring enough to share your deep pain with me It means a lot. Truly.

It does help. Every single post anyone has ever written here, helps!! I am still in too much pain to be able to see through it, to the place where I still know he loved me as much as I thought he did. One day I hope to find that peace.

I now know Dad suffered from PTSD as well. He had all the classic signs. I just wish I had known how to read them

((Snoopy)) thank you for sharing your song, very moving

Rips me up that Dad hurt that way.... ironic in a twisted sort of way, that by ending his pain, I now feel that way

I am sorry for all the hell you have had to endure. Never lose sight of the miracle that through all that pain, you kept fighting. You might have wish to give up, but you didn't. True courage. Stand proud

I am so thankful you are here to share your story.

Just thinking as I try to work through my own suicidal tendencies, and thoughts. I am the type of person that would be the first to help someone else survive and not to make that awful decision. But when I am fighting it myself, I implode, that is the only way that I know how to describe it. We love fiercely other people. But, I think, when depression and suicidal thoughts hit, the implosion that takes place makes it difficult to 'feel' that other people really do care that much and love us. I just don't think that at that point we are able to feel the love, or absorb what our loved ones would want to give. And, we don't want to add a burden by sharing the pain that we feel. It is hard to realize that that is exactly what we need to do. Thinking in that moment of deep pain keeps us from being able to 'see' what we will do to the ones that we love, and who love us. But, that is me, and what I am beginning to see about myself. It's just *amm hard.

Bringing it out of the closet??? I am still working on that one. When you walk into a closet and close the door, opening it again seems to be the hardest part. Why would we want to share darkness??? And that is what it looks like instead of an illness that needs to be treated. Just my random thoughts.......

People cannot help you if they don't know how you feel.

I've always loved this:

I don't need to be right,
but don't make me wrong.

I don't need a teacher, a critic,
or a judge.

I need freedom to say how I feel
And a friend
who will listen....just listen!

for the room.

I really love that Alffe, spoken by one who has 'been there' and understands very well. It is soooooo true....