Thanks to all that have responded. I have tried taking some of your advise by living min. by min. or taking a nap. I feel worse then ever right now. The worst this is that this is a secret in my family. I live with my dad and step-mom but they think I am just anxious. I don't want to even leave my room. I don't want to live anymore. I think it's time to just hang out the white flag and give up. I don't know, no more hospital stays, have been through too many of them. i don't know what else to do. I don't know how to feel anymore, have to put on the happy face for family and friends. It's hard to do that, have been doing that for years, and it's getting harder and harder.

Hi Jen and welcome to our family. I'm on vacation so don't have easy access to a computer but wanted to check in and found your post.
We lost our only son to suicide about 19 years ago and it changed our family forever...I wasn't sure we'd all survive it but we did. YOu say you have a large family....please don't put them through this nightmare.

At the top of the forum are some stickies...I copied one for you...

What to do if you are alone and thinking about suicide.
Sit down and breathe deeply. Breathe deeply again and again.

Turn on the lights or open a door or window.

Pick up the phone and call a friend, even if you have to call collect. Talk to the operator
if you don't have strength to dial the number.

Say your name out loud. Say your friends' names out loud. Repeat and combine these
names with your name.

Cry, even if it means weeping bitterly. Scream; "God, why am I in such despair? Why
did you do this to me? Tell me why."

Pray. Say: "God, help me. Please give me a reason to live."

Touch yourself. Feel the rapid beating of your heart.

Turn on the television, radio, or stereo.

Close your eyes and think about The Wizard of Oz or chocolate ice cream or giraffes.

Get out a photo album and look at the pictures of your family and friends.

If you have a pet, pick it up and hold it tightly.

When you have the strength, get out from where you are. Go to the movies.
Go to the shopping mall. Go to a neighbor's or a friend's house. If you
are afraid to drive, run as fast as you can for as long as you can.

Get yourself to where there are people.

****************

Staying alone in your room is not a good idea but talking about what you are feeling is.....you'll find a lot of caring people here. Please stay strong and remember that suicide isn't the answer..it's a "forever decision".

Hi Jen,,,I just wanted to say.....Hope this comes out right.......
The "average" life expectancy is around 80?? So you have only experienced a small portion of what your life will be....It really CAN change for the better!! For myself, I started getting out of my depression after age 40 {don't worry, I'm a slow one}....

I all of a sudden felt good, I tell everyone I ran away from home at age 40 LOL....But it's the truth....I had a bad accident & it left me with many forever injuries, including a Brain injury, BUT...it turned out to be "ALL GOOD" ,,it changed my life for the better.

I know the last thing you probably feel like doing is helping someone...BUT, when you do this, it helps YOU to heal...People used to tell me I was so nice to help & I would say, "thank you, but it's really selfishness,, cause it makes ME feel better"! lol...it really does...
Just my silly, crazy input...lol..Maybe it will help you..I hope so

Thank you all for your comfort. I really truly appreciate it. It makes me wonder how many out there suffer silently. I in a way do because I don't share hardly anything with my family or friends. I don't want to worry them or cause them to call my family with worry. That would just make things worse, I mean a lot worse. I am suffering a lot today, as I don't know what to do with myself. I am scared and lonely. I have talked with people online, but I feel that isn't enough. I have no intention on going to the hospital as this would just cause problems. I don't know what to do. i am scared, but not to the point that I need immediate help, at least I don't think so, other's say different. Anyway, thanks for listening and helping me out.

Jen if you don't want to tell your family, or take yourself to the hospital, please call a hotline....http://suicidehotlines.com/wisconsin.html

I don't know where you live in Wisc. but I know that state has excellent services for suicide prevention and support. Please call...no one need know. Also, click on my signature and read it also.

Jen29

Do me a favour.......................................hear this song and if possible watch the film.......[i promise we will talk again]


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARk86oIHlLc


WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS TIME


David

Thanks for that, I love that movie, it's really sad but good. Speaking of angels. My grandmother died 11 years ago or so now, and I think of her as my angel. I don't think she would want to see me suffer as I am now. I think she would want me to be at peace, I don't know what to do, am at a loss. I did call my T. and maybe she'll call me back, but am not going to count on it.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I appreciate your comments and will think them over. you have all been so nice to a person you don't even know. I don't know if I am worth this much, cause I certainly don't feel it. I feel dull and boring, and of corse worthless. i feel like a piece of crap that isn't worth anyone's time.
I don't mean to be such a downer...I just am saying what am feeling. I hate myself, and have to find someway to fix it or something bad is going to happen...i can feel it. I don't know the first step or what I should even be doing. I know that something has to happen, I just don't know what.

Hi dear Jen....no, your grandmother doesn't want to see you suffer. Feel her wrap her arms around you. Think about how much you love her, and she you, and let that touch your heart. Do you honestly believe she would want you to end your young life right now?? She must have lived through a lot in her own life, and can give you strength. Think on the things that she might have taught you, what would she tell you right now?? How beautiful and strong you are, and how much she loves you? I would bet on it. I know its hard sweet Jen. Please give yourself a little time, and reach out.

Jen, have you read into some of the stories here on NT? There really are MANY that share our,,Your,,feelings! I also understand when you say you don't want to worry your family! I did the same & still have NO idea why?? Why didn't I want them to know?? But anyway...I hear ya!
Scared,,,do you know of what? I finally figured why I used to be.....but that can wait...Right now I want you to know that at the very least...you never have to be lonely again,,,,you have new friends right here! Please always know this & never feel afraid to reach out....No one here will judge you!.....