I just can't do it anymore. Life shouldn't be this hard. I can't do anything right. I am not working and therefore i think of myself as a loser. I talked with my mom today and she wants me to get a job. I know I need to get back to work, but with the way things are going lately, I don't think i could work. I am on a leave from my other job until Aug. 3rd. I am already getting nervous to go back there, and it's not even June yet.
I thought that when I turned 30 things would get better. Yeah I know I am only a few days older than 30, but I thought maybe my thinking or my worring would be less. Too many expectations on myself I think. But if I don't have any expectations I will fail, what am I talking about I am already failing.
I try to live each day to the best I can. I have spent since Sunday in my pjs, and in bed pretty much. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just got out of the hospital last Monday, and now am already falling backwards. Maybe my efforts are failing, but I don't know what else to do.
My feeling of inadequacy is felt every day that I wake up. My feeling of despair and the felling of being all alone is there too.
I don't know what I want out of life. I know I should get out of the house and go for a walk or go to a friend's house, but I have nothing to say. I am afraid that I would say the wrong thing. One of my friends already thinks I am back to being suicidal. That feeling was only gone for less than a week. Is this how life is going to be? Is this what I have to look forward too in my days and weeks and months and years to come? Then what is the point? I see no point in even trying anymore.
I see my psychologist tomorrow and my psychiatrist on Thursday. I am going to give it 2 more days and see what they say and then make my desision. It's not fair to my family to see me live this way, and I don't want to make things even more difficult. I think if I were gone so many people would breath a sigh of relief. Including my mom and dad and step-mom and step-dad. They have been so nice and patient with me, but it's time that I do them a favor. Maybe even time to do myself a favor and just say good-bye.
I am just at a loss right now, and maybe in trying to be desperate to plead with people to just let me go.
I know I have been a pain in the butt to people, and haven't belonged to this site for very long, but just don't know what else to do.
Anyways, thanks for listening to me again.
Jenni