Is it wrong to disconnect from my friends? Even the good ones? I just feel like no one is helping me. Even if they're TRYING to understand, it makes me uncomfortable to be around people right now. I think it's because I KNOW they don't understand, because I don't even understand. Is it wrong to practice a bit of distance? I will keep posting here. I just need a break from constant words entering my head from voices all day long.

Thank you for all the responses.

You have all given me something to think about. I will try and focus on how much I enjoyed my first day at work. It really was great. I will try to embrace leaving toxic people from my life behind. I have had the opportunity to move to this new city and start over. Please help me stay on track with how great starting over is. How now I can start to become comfortable in my own skin....I think this is why I'm finding it tough to be from around bad AND good people from my past. I can feel a new identity coming out in me (and right now, it's bad because it's based around OCD). But now I need the time to understand this new identity on my own and see how I can form it in a way that works for me. That being said, now is it wrong to distance myself?

:hug: Manda :hug:
it is obvious he isnt thinking, caring or worrying about you that much at all yet you seem to be held hostage by him worrying
caring and thinking of him. Honey you need to try hard hard hard to think of you and care for you. you are the most important person in your life. You really dont need someone so sneaky and uncaring around you. because having people like that around makes it twice as hard to be true to yourself and caring about yourself .
Blue is right go to the 40 steps post you shared and concentrate on some of those listed.
and I know at least one good thing you did today...started a new job and met some nice people and came and shared with us here.... thats 3 can you get 5 things??? I bet you can!
Should take a bath and try to rest cus tomorrow is a new day with new things and I hope those new things are great things . :hug:
sending positive vibs courage strength and some serenity .
keep talking ... my best closest pal says many words make well. and I think she is write (right).
hope you can calm your nerves and get some rest. if not can message me or post here. Also we have a sleepless thread up top of this forum in the social chat to pass the restless nights.
:hug:
PEACE
BMW

Thank you BMW. It's so ridiculous. Right now, I want to ask you "so does he still have feelings for me?" BUT...that is NOT the issue. He was a jerk to me. Who cares if he has feelings for me? I just need to repeat and repeat....I have such a flawed way of thinking. I want everyone to love me (not just romantically). I want everyone to like me. I want to be everyone's best friend. I never want to step on toes.

But, I'm realizing that not everyone is like that. So people disappoint me rather easily because I have such high expectations for myself, I automatically have such high expectations of every one around me.

I need to change my mindset

baby steps ! make a list of 5 things or ways you want to change
and we will help

1. i don't want to mention that jerk's name anymore
2. i don't want to be connected to insignificant people through things like facebook.
3. i don't want to be sad when my friends don't call me or text me
4. i won't continue texting people that don't text me back in my time of need
5. i will make a point to keep you guys in the loop about GOOD things too, not just bad

i apologize for the swears guys, that was disrespectful on my part

Personally, I think is ok if you "disconnect" from the world some days... Like Axl Rose say, everybody needs some time on their own, :) so, take yours... Once again, the ones that love you will understand you are not being rude, weird or anything like but that you simply need time :)

It is honestly fine to disconnect or take a "break" from others. I do it and many others do also. sometimes when I have to much going on or I am feeling like..overwhelmed I take a break from posting and just go into lurk mode here. Blue is right and she is also right that the people who care do and will understand.

now I have to apologize as last night it was getting late almost midnight and i had to get some sleep so as i can not be tired at work today so I hit my happy chair and went to sleep after reading your list.

so you have at least 5 things you want to change/work on .great. now it is still baby steps.
number 2 - dont want to be connected to insignificant people
thats a hard one because no matter where you are or go there is going to be those types of people :( and the best thing to do is not be so friendly when you find out they are like that. you can also "de-friend" people .I have done this on facebook. they do not know you de friended them like there is no notification they get or anything. they just stop getting feed about you .

some of the things you have like not feeling sad when friends dont call well that is a natural reaction and it is like impossible to stop a thing that is natural reaction. it is right to feel sad it shows you are human and caring and have a soul inside. ...thats my opinion any how. let the feelings come and then learn to let them go also. say to yourself okay this hurts cus I care and then tell yourself thats it I am not wasting time dwelling on this I deserve better and I am moving on. I am going to grow make new friends . better friends. and by the way as you are doing this ...growing and letting go of dwelling on those that hurt you well you are becoming a better person inside you are learning how to be a better friend and person. I know that sounds silly but it is true.

now I know you might get upset but I am going to ask you of those 5 things you listed pick 1 that you want to work on.
take your time and find the one that bothers you the most.

I know other family members will be along to help and suggest things too. perhaps there is another way to help but please know this we are all here for you Manda and we do care. You are a great person and soon you are going to shine like a bright star.
I will check back after work and please have a nice day today let us know how things go and how you are feeling the good and bad and the funny :hug:
:hug:hugs to you :hug:
PEACE
BMW

...which I have done on many occasion. Even with my best friend...when my sister was dying from breast cancer...and on and on.

I have pulled away from people many times because I just couldn't deal anymore with what they were going through and needing from me. I can get taxed to the very core and then I pull fast...go on cruise control...put up that shield of self-preservation.

Even people who love you with all of their hearts sometimes need to step back and take a respite from the pain.

I'm not sure how old you are but if you are a young lady, give yourself time to find a 'boyfriend'. If a man loves and wants you in his life, well then he will do just that...love you and be in your life.

It sounds to me like it's really important for you right now to find a therapist that you DO like and keep going and going and goin and talking. I personally prefer a woman counsellor but then, I lucked out the first time I went. I asked for a woman counsellor my age and got a true gem. She helped me SO much! I still go to her for tuneups.

Please continue to work with the meds and do talk therapy. Meditate, pray for help. I occasionally have been known to do exactly what Ms. Alffe has said from time to time....I literally fall to my knees and beg for help...to whoever is out there listening, guardian angels and all! Usually that is when I am on the edge of losing it as you have been.

:hug:

im too tired to write. had a bad day. theyre not going away any time soon it seems. it started with someone telling me to face my problems like a grown up. so insulting. so insulted.

Well, whoever said that must not realize that adults have great difficulty facing issues as well!

Just keep talking to us and again, I urge you keep talking to a therapist and make sure your doc knows how your meds are working.

Try and relax tonight and baby yourself ((Manda)). :hug:

Manda I am sorry today was a hard tough day for you..but.. that is a stupid thing to say. How can one face promems like an adult when it is very possible those problems are new and bring new unknown feelings worries and thoughts to the surface??
Please just try as hard as you can to let that coment slide off you okay . beside you look like a young lady just learning about being adult....so I say who ever said that should ACT like an adult . Adults have problems all the time that are new and they dont know whow to handle or face them. Any adult who dose not have that happen is lying.
Go to your post of 40 things and do a few of them, do something fun or get some needed rest cus you have earned that.
when you feel like talking we are here. Take care of you honey dont worry about anyone else.
:grouphug:
PEACE
BMW

Hey, Manda! :) Just my two-cents-worth, but there usually really is a lot of life laying around for those who can see it! I know I've been in the mud enough times to be blinded by it completely, but the tears do wash the muck away, and can make us see rainbows! Sounds corny, I know, but I've seen it happen! I hope only the best for you, and especially that you learn to love yourself again! :hug:

Richie

hi all,

i'm still not ready to talk, but i don't want to worry anyone. i barely made it through the weekend, but i'm still here.

thanks to those that have sent msgs and kind words. i will respond when i feel up to it--sorry.

manda

I will beat this.
I will not give in.
I will find happiness in myself.
I will find happiness in the world around me.
I will accept the bad.
I will accept and remember the good.
I will learn what kind of support I need to give myself.
I will learn what kind of support I need from others.
I will be the person I know I can be.
I will have bad days.
I will have good days.
I will remember the good days.
I will learn from the bad days.
I will learn to separate my emotions from others.
I will not seek acceptance from others.
I will not continue to dive into other people's emotions and make them my own.
I will be the Manda I love and know I can be.

I will be beautiful inside and out. And I will make the world a better place because I am in it.

It's taken me a long time to say this, but thank you for the insight. I don't think Prozac is the drug for me. I think I need to try something new. I'm frustrated with trying and trying, but I'm starting to realize that even though I'm tired, my efforts will pay off with the right meds.

THANK YOU DAVID

((Manda)) :Good-Post: The world is a better place just because you are in it:hug:

A bit of a cry for help tonight. I spoke with my psychiatrist today and we're going to take me off of prozac. Please help me be patient. I hate trying new meds and new things. I just want SOMETHING to work. I convinced myself prozac was working even though I KNEW it wasn't ...because I just wanted SOMETHING to work.

Please support me (I know I don't have to ask but...) as I go through this whole process again....

Much love

Manda

:hug:You got it Manda...:hug: I know the feeling. You just want it to end. Hang in there and keep reaching for some hugs, and reading and writing, and praying or meditating, whatever it is you believe in. We do care, and we do understand. :hug: Let us know what he decides to try. My son went from Celexa, which wasn't helping him to Effexor, but, he had to get to a crises point too before realizing that the Celexa wasn't working for him. Thank goodness I was able to help. The Effexor is making a huge difference for him. I am unable to take AD's because I am medication sensitive, so I find other ways. Take care dear friend. :hug:

Hey Manda...

Just wanted to check on you...

Hope the new job is going good...

Did your doc put you on a different AD or just take you off Prozac???

Hang in there bud... know we are here for you....

Let us know how you are doing when you can....

:hug:
Abbie

((Mandy)) Lots and lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:

I am hoping you were give something that will work better for you this time:hug: Keeping you in my thoughts :hug:

hey guys, thanks for checking up on me.

it's so strange. the prozac made me suicidal in a weird way. like, it wasn't in the "i hate my life. i want to end it" way. it was in the "wow, i have three months prescription of meds....it would be so easy to just end everything" way. though it's less extreme, it is NOT ok by my standards. so i went off of them and am feeling better. a lot has changed in my life (i moved away from that jerk guy that really messed with me....i got a job i actually like....i got away from other toxic people) so my life is a lot better than when i started taking meds. i'm not sure what to do. my mom doesn't think i need to be on them. and part of me agrees. it's just such a slippery slope that i don't want to chance falling again. i'm not sure what to do. i have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and see what he recommends. i need him to find me another doctor here in the new city i moved to. but honestly, i think all these changes for the better make my life better. i can start to enjoy things rather than be around bad ppl in my life. i feel like i'm given a new chance at life. i can let who i want in. or i can put up a wall. i know i'm not ready to meet new ppl yet because i'm not entirely sure of my identity. of course, i'm talking to ppl, just not making those REAL connections yet. hopefully this makes sense. so now i need to see what the doctor thinks of this (he was "worried" that all these changes may affect my treatment). so yeah, hopefully something good comes from all this heart ache and pain. i want it to go away so badly.

i'm going back home for the weekend. i'm not sure how i feel about this. i hope i have the strength to be ok in my old environment. i get scared when i think that i might run into that guy (i know it sounds like typical break up feelings, but i hope you guys keep in mind the OCD and anxiety...it makes it hell for me).

and now that i've been away from friends for a few weeks, i feel better. my friends are good ppl, but the OCD side of me always felt the need to explain my bad situations and get them to offer me advice until they offered advice and an opinion that i liked. i made them over analyze everything with me. i think they started to resent me for it. i resented me for it. so it's been good to start to learn to internalize things without going in circles or dragging my friends into it.

i'm trying, guys. i'm trying so hard. i wish you could all see. i struggle. but i'm trying so hard

I think you are doing great Manda...you have a positive attitude about this change and are cautious about your old environment....rightly so.
Soon, this new life....job, city...will become your now life. Remember, we are here for you..cheering you on. Stay in touch. :grouphug:

Keep trying hon !!!! You will do it !!! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :winky:

Im so glad to find out you are feeling better now without the meds :) You dont want to see me out of my fluoxetine :o but, we know meds act and affect different every person :winky:

Also, I think that like you mentioned, a life change is good (a little scary too :p ) but like you said, new job, new city... NEW LIFE !!! :D That's always good specially if you like the new job like you do... I think that helps leaving the past (I mean, the dark side of the past) behind :winky:

Keep up the good work !!

Love ya !

woke up at 3:30 with a severe panic attack. been up since. struggling, but surviving. i want all the damage that that jerk did to go away. i want these suicidal thoughts in relation to that jerk to go away.

i'm trying hard. i just wanted you all to know.

Hi Manda....it's good to hear from you, although I am terribly sorry you are dealing with that. The fact that I am extricating myself from a bad relationship right now makes me especially sensitive to your feelings. It will take some time, and I know that is not easy to deal with. We tend to want the hurt to go away right NOW!! But, it doesn't. All of those emotions and the aftereffects take time to work through. A wound doesn't heal overnight. It takes TIME......and love. So, I am sending you some love, and :hug::hug::hug:sssssssss my friend. Let us know how you are doing when you can. BTW, are you looking for a new doctor yet? :)

Hi Manda,

I am only recently returning to the NT forums.
However, I want to tell you I am reading your posts with interest, with concern, and with admiration for your courage!

You are doing some very difficult work...and doing well at "sticking with it!"
I have deep admiration for your desire to overcome and I have faith in you and your ability to do so!:hug:

You are incredibly wise to keep on reaching out!:wink:
You have a loving, kind and supportive family here!:grouphug:
I am honored to get to know you!

Offering warm, gentle, supportive and safe cyberhugs to you... often!:hug:

Thank you Deja. It's nice to know someone sees strength where I only see weakness.

I can't believe I let someone bash me in for my anxiety and OCD. He said he left me because of them, but really it was because of another girl. But the fact that he went so far as to criticize something that's part of the core of me, rather than admitting he met someone else just disgusts me to the point that I'm disgusted with myself and wish I was different. I wish I was someone he could love. And I find out how much he lied to me and it just makes me feel like dirt. And I just wish something bad would happen so he would realize I'm actually a good person. I'll never forget him saying "I'll talk to you when and IF I want to, on my own terms." I feel so gross. This happened in December. I wish my mind would let me let this go.

Thanks for your concern and strength. I hope to get over this one day. It just doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon. I'm trying and just wish I could erase my memory

Oh!!! He doesn't deserve you Manda!! Why on earth would you want someone so shallow??? Screw him and the horse he rode in on........:o You deserve so much more....it's self image stuff dear girl...you are much better than he will ever have unless he grows up!!! :hug:

I agree with Alffe!!!!

This person is way below you!! You deserve much better and I know if you stop looking... you will find Mr. Right!!!!

You are a beautiful young lady with GREAT strength!!!!! I know it's not easy hun.. but you are MUCH STRONGER than you give yourself credit for!!!

I wish I could reach out and slap this guy right in the back of the head...
Do not give him the satisfaction of only talking to you on HIS terms... Nope.. if he contacts you... please hang up or turn your back and walk away!!!

He doesn't realize what he lost... but the best thing is... YOU WIN... this guy will eat his heart out when he realizes you have moved on!!!

Remember to breathe... stop and smell the roses.. you just may be surprised how beautiful they smell now that the air has cleared of him.;)

:hug:
Abbie

I just found out my own sister wants nothing to do with this anymore. She doesn't want to offer patience or consideration.

I'm hurt beyond belief.

Everyone is leaving me.

This is kinda long....
 

Manda....

Sweetie, I know things are hard to understand and sometimes it's pretty hard to see what is going on within ourselves. It often takes someone else to point out that we need help.

Please understand that unless our family and friends are Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Social Workers, or Counselors they are simply not equipped to help us or even deal with what we are going through.

Please don't believe for one second that you sister, other family, and friends don't care... this simply is not true... they do love you and want you to get help.

It's quite likely that they are hurting because they can't help... they may also be feeling or picking up on your pain. If this is the case and most likely it is...they want you to get better but know they can't fix you.

Friends and family will sometimes push us away... push us into getting professional help.

I know seeking out professional help is hard... it was the last thing I wanted as I believed I could get better all by myself... I refused to admit that anything was wrong even when deep down I knew there was.

As you know... my friends and some family pushed me away and slammed the door. I know now that it was simply self-preservation on the part of my friends and family.

I didn't NOT see it that way for a long, long time... I felt that my friends and family wanted me to go away... to disappear.

It took a friend to tell me..."Look, you have an appointment with the mental health hospital... you have a choice... go and get help OR don't go. But if you don't go... we will no longer be a part of your life... ever again." My friend ended up driving me there as she knew and I knew I wasn't going to go on my own.
I know now that in some form or another that my friends had told to get help for 2 or 3 years... I just refused to listen. I was under the belief that I could make myself better.

When I finally listened... it was "almost" to late.

It's now a little over a year later... Somehow word spread to my friends that I was working on me... I now hear from my all of the friends who pushed me away... Yes, I still have my walls up because I don't want to get hurt as I am sure they most likely do also.

One step at a time... that's the best I can do but I am doing it and so can you!!!!

Manda... You are one of the STRONGEST young ladies that I have ever met... you reached out for help!!! Keep reaching, please. If you haven't spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling....please do. It may be that you need a switch in medicine. You may also need to talk with someone to work out your feelings... You may need a combination of both... I do.

It won't be easy... I won't lie... it takes a lot of hard work but I know you can do it!!! I believe in you!!!

Keep talking with us... we understand... but please also seek out medical assistance. If you don't have medical insurance there are many clinics that have a sliding scale and will work with you regarding payment. There are also many pharmaceutical companies that have assistant programs where you can get you medicine at a deep discount or even for free.

You are in my prayers!!!
:hug:
Abbie

Abbie--that was an incredible post. I will refer to it all the time. I'm trying and I think of your words (and many other people's) all the time, so I hope you never give up on me because I do value your thoughts and prayers.

i just can't shake this thought process:
if i kill myself, the look on those two guys faces when they get a phone call from my parents. then they'd know i'm not faking this and that they shouldn't have done this to me and left me alone.

IF THE 2 GUYS ARE THE JERKS YOU TELL US THEY ARE

then sadly their response will be.....'I told you she was Crazy'

DONT GIVE THEM.........THAT OPPOTUNITY....OR SATISFACTION....

RISE ABOVE THIS ANGER

DAVID

ugh, i feel crazy :(

thanks for the post david, i'll try and remember it whenever i have those thoughts.

IM sorry but here comes a direct question................


other than your prescribed medication do you take anything else.............prescribed or not.........

please be honest with me?

The reason i ask..............is................Abbie gave you a strong message of hope....................sadly your reply after...............your intial response........was as though you never heard what she said................

you may now think i/m being harsh............but understand one thing experience tells me...............when people dont listen.............anything can happen.................[you have to see that hope..is possible...forget other people and concentrate on yourself...............you are the only person [1] capeable or [2] available to get yourself out of this miserable pit you find yourself in...............waiting for others close too you to help can be an awfull waiting game..............the only looser will be you.............waiting too or hoping someone will noitice your pain...................is not an option when your in pain............its yourlife.......your pain....................dont EVER GIVE ANYONE THE SATISFACTION OF saying.................'i knew they were odd'


You have problems......................you have options too address these problems...........address them today..........................tomorrow [does not] never come......................

I do honestly care

David

Another long one...
 

Dearest Manda...

Please don't think this way... Taking our lives because someone else has chosen to not be a part of our lives is simply not worth it...

Sometimes people just no longer want to be a part of our lives... As much as it does hurt.... People move on.... I've had people in my life that chose to go down a different path. Some, our paths have crossed again... some, our paths are running pretty parallel to each other at the moment... and others, I've learned that our paths are most likely to never cross again.

It was hard for me to understand this...but I have learned the hard way that some things are meant to be and other things are not.

I have a magnet on my door frame that says... people come into our lives for a moment, a season, a reason, or a lifetime. I have come to see and you will too...that the lifetime one...well, those people are few and far between.

Please know... these guys that no longer want to be a part of your life are just using your "illness" as a lame excuse... you said one already was dating someone else.... cool...let him move on... you don't need someone in your life that is that way. The other guy as rough as it may sound...he may just not be that in to you... and that's cool too... you don't need someone who is or will play games with your heart, mind, and soul. You WILL find someone that thinks you hung the moon.

Please don't fret over these two guys... and killing yourself because you can imagine their faces... not good hun... they may not have the reaction you are imagining. (Sorry... don't mean to be rough...just being honest)

Taking your life because of someone else... not worth it hun... who knows.. Mr Right may be just around the next corner... maybe you already pass him every day and don't even know it....

I had a friend tell me once while I was teetering on the edge of choosing to live or die... She said...If you think by taking your life it won't hurt someone else... you are VERY WRONG. She went on to say that even if I physically didn't hurt someone else in taking my life... I would still cause many people severe pain.

What my friend told me now makes much sense to me... all you have to do is read Alffe's story, or Nik-key's, or the numerous others here that have lost a family member or dear friend to suicide.... This is the kind of pain you would be leaving behind for your friends and family to deal with... I know you don't want to cause them pain...

The people here who have lost a loved one or friend to suicide give me strength as I know now that I DO NOT want to cause my family and friends that kind of pain and anguish.

I won't lie... I have numerous suicide attempts in the last 5 years and suicidal thoughts are with me every day...sometimes many times a day.

It is my choice to act on these thoughts or not. Many times I feel I don't have the strength to go on... When these feelings hit me... I remember my friends on here, or I listen to music that calms my soul, or I think of my family and friends... even though many times I don't think they would care... I know deep in my heart that they do.

Please know... you can count me as someone who cares... I have walked a similar path as yours....I'm still on the path just a little further down the path as you...but I will gladly turn around and come to where you are on this path just to help you.

You're gonna make it... many people here care about you... all you have to do is reach out... we'll grab your hand and prop you up... we are here for you. We understand... Some people here have lost a dear one to suicide... others are like me and you.

I think it takes all of use to understand this big old elephant that sits in the middle of the room... but it's ok... as long as we talk about the elephant in the room...we can all make it through another day.

Remember one day at a time... if you have to---one breath at a time...

:hug:
Abbie

i did hear what she said. i just can't shake loneliness right now. i don't know. i do have a lot of hope, i just get excited to tell people about this hope, and then when i go to tell them about it, i look around and no one is there to get excited with me. does that make sense?

i know i shouldn't rely on anyone, but i don't know where to begin on my own. so pitiful, i know.

and no, i do not take anything else. this is how lost i am. i'm not faking this.