elephants iN rooms......................look at my AVATAR

thanks abbie. it's funny that you mention it--when i get in these ruts, i think about my family a lot. i never want to hurt them. they keep me going. i know that even if they don't understand, they still want me here with them.

i'm glad that you have found your way down the path. that makes me think that i can do something about this. ha, i actually went to the bookstore and bought 8 books that i feel might help me (they're not all related to OCD and depression...but just the overall FEEL of the book might compliment my mood). so i actually got out of the house and bought some things that i wanted. i saw myself as worth the money. i do see myself down that path one day. so i'm glad that i'll be meeting you there.

i'm a bit upset. i called my psych to refer me to another psych in this new city i'm in and he hasn't called me back--it's been a week and i've called twice. so that's just frustrating. i love the city i'm in. i love life again. but i feel like this OCD keeps coming up. so finally i'm at the point where i want to address it, but the doctor i'm going to isn't all that helpful in finding me a new doctor and the meds i tried really didn't help. so i'm kind of getting discouraged. it's just hard for me to keep trying. BUT i know i'm up for the fight. i know i want to live. i just find that i'm relying on so many external things...you know, all the ducks to line up in a row. and they're not. so i'm sitting here waiting for my doctor to call to help me get in line again. i don't want to die. i DO see a brighter future for me. i'm just trying to get there.

as always i appreciate your words, abbie. i hope you are doing well farther down the path. i'm so proud of your accomplishments and that you're able to talk to me about them. you do present me with a much brighter picture. i usually work off Worst Case Scenario (it was how I was raised...ugh....), but you show me glimmers of something better than that. thank you.

i feel like i've been posting too much and maybe bringing people down. i'm going to take a break for awhile.

i hope you have a good weekend.

take care.

I am brand new here but i feel your pain, life is too precious to quit.......there are so many things to live FOR.......so try to weed out the bad and search for the good, try religion, teaching assistant or phone counsiling others? you will get through it - if not, get professional help SOON - good luck.

i'm crashing again. i'm in my old city and all the horrible memories are coming down on me. i feel like i'm going to break.

:grouphug: Are you back for a visit? Are you back permanently? It sounds like it wasn't a good idea to go back there Manda but there you are for whatever reason. And it sounds like it is exactly the same...toxic for you.

I'm sorry you are reliving this...you aren't alone..we are here for you. :grouphug:

(((((((((( Manda ))))))))))

Slow down... take a breath... Remember, you are NOT the same person you were when you left your hometown. You are STRONG!!! You are an AMAZING young lady who has MUCH to offer this world!!

Are you back there permanent? A visit? Back for school? A new job?

I know things seem completely overwhelming....but you CAN get through all of this... Take it day by day... if that doesn't work, go hour by hour, minute by minute, or even second by second and breath to breath.

If you are back there permanently, I suggest trying to go to someplace you have never been... talk to people you have never met--start with a smile and by saying Hi or Hello.. :)

Try to stay away from places that hold bad memories for you...BUT, if you have to go to those places....why not try to make a new friend there?!?

I believe in you and know you can make it through all of this... :)

Remember... we are all here for you, so please keep talking!!

:hug:
Abbie

((((((((((Twin))))))))))

Hang in there.... just try to do it... this will pass too....

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

i'm just not doing well. i can't talk myself out of this. i feel that i'm slipping (even though i'm now back in the new city). i know this downward spiral so well. i don't know how to make it out of this alive.

i can't stop crying. it's been like 6 days straight of this. i don't know. i'm so lost. i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

i'm so scared.

Hey Manda....:hug:

Have you been to see your doctor?

I can't recall... Are you on any medicine for depression and/or anxiety?

If you are... maybe you need a med change. If you are not...maybe talk with your doc about getting help to get through what you are dealing with.

There is NO shame in asking for help!!!!!!!!!!

You have more strength than you know!!! I've seen it in your words!!!

Please talk with us!! We just want to help...we don't judge...

If you look up... you will see many hands stretched out to help you up and out of the darkness.

You are loved!!
:hug:
Abbie

I agree with all that Abbie sister has said. seeing your doc and maybe switch or try to get on some med for they emotions you are dealing with is a good thing.It dose not mean a person is weak because they need help...It makes a person more strong ...because they reconize the need and are brave enought to seek it out. if anyone thinks different they are WRONG!
I also want to say that...and you know this too if you just hold on, remember to breath deep and slowly this will pass.
You will have a better time once this little storm passes.
you are back in your new city so try to let everything that bothered you while you were back at old place let that go if you can. Cry sing write play some nice music... whatever it takes, just let it go and this strom thats on you will pass.
we are all right here and we care about you !
You are filled to the brim with strength .In your pic your eyes are shiny with strength and kindness. its inside you ...try to call on that and hold on let this pass by.
rememebr we are here for you if ya wanna talk or vent. :grouphug:
:hug:
PEACE
BMW

this is long overdue:

SoCal: thank you for the response. And welcome to the board :) I hope I can offer you support the way that you have offered ME support!

I won't be so vague finally. I'm in the mood to write. I went back to the old city to see family and friends. I kind of started seeing a guy from there so I've been going back quite a bit. Great guy. I felt comfortable telling him all about these issues. But on the weekend, I found out the long distance thing just isn't going to work out. I became very frustrated b/c it seems every decision I make isn't ever good enough. I don't know what to do. I want to buy a place but I'm not sure what city to buy in (I know that sounds trivial, but it's a big deal to me). I'm very family oriented so I'm not sure if buying away from home is a good idea. But I hate that city so much. BUT one day I should confront it. I can't run from it forever. That new job I started in June is just a term position til the end of Sept so I've been a bit stressed that I won't be able to find work, with the economy the way it is obviously.

Abbie: Thanks for always reminding me to breathe. You always keep me so grounded. I'm trying really hard. I'm waiting to get a referral to a psychiatrist. I've been off meds since June. So I'm proud that I've been hanging in there, but honestly, every day is a struggle. I think people think I'm dramatic. But honestly, it's a struggle every day. "Why should I wake up this morning, Manda?" "Because this is your life, Manda. Now get up." Every morning.

Bluemajo: I miss talking to you every night. Let's try and keep in touch more :)

BMW: I've truly missed you so much. You always make me just stop. All the thoughts in my head just stop whenever you write me. I hope you never stop. I'm glad you make me realize that these are just little storms. Sometimes they feel like the real thing. But I need to remember it'll pass. They always do. But god, when you're in that storm, it never feels like it will.

FOR EVERYONE: I don't ask this enough (and I hope you don't think I'm ungrateful, it's just been a tough year) but, HOW ARE YOU?? I've noticed some of my friends haven't been around here much...let me know you're ok.

((((((((((Manda))))))))))

I will pray so things can settle down for you soon :hug:

I know the feeling of "everything I choose or do, is wrong, bad..." :( I feel your pain, but, but, hey ! everything has an end right ? So, even the problems will come to and end, when we will turn around, see our past, and laugh at it...

:hug:

Take care.

Manda, I vote for your "own" city. It will become home, and with new memories, new customs, new rituals. I recently had to make a similar choice and I decided to throw myself into this neighborhood and make it feel more like home. Taking walks and getting to know it in a way you cannot just by driving around, shopping and dining in as many of the little shops close by as I can, setting up some new rituals in the neighborhood. Just little things, such as getting a dipped cone at the corner DQ on Sunday. I miss some things from my old neighborhood but not the traumatic memories that every landmark seems to remind me of-usually when I least expected it. And I am old, Manda, so making new memories doesn't always sound appealing-old people tend to like to bask in the old memories. But when those become tainted with hurtful ones-hey-make new ones. Lots of little new ones! :hug:Thanks for sharing your struggles-we are all more alike than we are different-especially on NT!

Great advice Sue...you're my kind of lady. :hug:

Manda, I'm glad you're back posting..you were missed!.

and a hug for Blue...:hug:

having such strong suicidal thoughts tonight. trying to keep the thoughts within reach. trying really hard.
i wish for so many things. to be prettier. more likable. to be forgiven.

Ive been feeling that way ALL week :mad:

Need to go and talk to doc urgently... :mad:

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Hopefully you are feeling better now...

as an update: i went to work today. and wasn't feeling well. so i left. and though i could've stuck it out, i just decided to leave.
i can feel the OCD coming back on strong at work lately. i'm so scared of making mistakes that i would rather call in sick than go into work and fear that my boss has found a mistake i've made. how will i ever keep a job? i'm terrified. i don't know what to do. every work place has become a nightmare for me. i fear going in every day.

Manda I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Do you take any medication for anxiety? I think you should call your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling. I've taken zanax on occasion and it helps me a lot. :grouphug:

i'm so glad you're online, alffe. oh i'm so grateful.
no i'm not on any meds b/c i have yet to be given a referral to a doc here.
i'm just so worried about what's going to happen if i'm never able to work.

i have some ativan....ugh....i hate taking meds....

Hi honey...I don't know what ativan is. a prescription? I feel the same way about drugs but sometimes they are a necessary evil. :hug:

Could you go outside and take a walk? Do you have neighbors you could visit? I hate to think of you being alone and afraid.

yeah ativan is a prescription...it's kinda for temporary relief (like i don't take it every day...it usually just holds me over for a couple hours). it makes me feel a bit stoned though so i don't like that so much. but right now that might be better than anything i'm feeling.

unfortunately i'm alone right now. i have a friend that isn't working, so i'm going to see if he wants to come over for a bit. i don't feel like going outside (i know i should force myself to...). i have all the windows open and the back balcony door open so that is helpful.

i can't believe these obsessive thoughts are invading my work again. i thought i had cleared them off my plate (well, i guess desk) for awhile. and i like my job. that's the hard part of this. i don't want to live in fear of my job...ESPECIALLY when i like it.

thanks for your responses. i'm SO glad you were online. what a god send.

Are you still here Manda? Do you want to go into the chat room?

yeah that sounds perfect

I'm going there now..to the lounge room. :hug:

2:30am. can't sleep. can't function. feel empty inside. i don't want to wake up. i don't want to do anything. i just want everyone to leave me alone and get away. i'm sorry. bye guys.

:hug: I'm not sure that withdrawing from those who want to support and comfort you is such a good idea Manda. But you need to do whatever works for you. And we are here when you want to talk about it. :grouphug:

sorry, when i get into those "fits" i sometimes don't think in a linear fashion. i actually woke up with little recollection of posting.

i should actually write while i'm capable of making sense. i need everyone around me to just leave me alone for awhile. i'm not well and everyone's telling me to get over it. THIS REFERS TO THE PEOPLE AROUND ME, NOT PEOPLE AT NT.

so i apologize. i do think i need to be away from here for awhile. i will still lurk and hope that i have everyone's prayers. this is going to be a long stretch--i can feel it.

i'm sorry. bye guys.

Lurk away...*grin You'll remain in our thoughts and prayers...hollar if we can help. :grouphug:

you guys are the best. sorry for the hissy fit. sometimes i can't take anything...

Hissy fit...one of my favorite expressions...:D Of course I use it in an accusoratory phrase...LOL...would I ever have one of those?...LOLOLOL.

hi Manda,

I apologize for being so late in introducing myself. I am "moi" some calls me "mwa", some even calls me "moip" (that's when I get genitorial duty)...

wait, I meant, JANITORIAL duty....talk about being doped up....:thud:

I have a lot of catching up to do but just wanted to say a quick hi and that I can relate to how you feel. The need to lurk and the feeling of emptiness.

And what's great about you is that even if you have your "hissy fits" you come back and explain why vs just letting people wondering if you are having fits against "them" or not.

communication is always the key and I am glad you are one of those communicators. And it looks like you are quite a good one (from what I've read thus far)

I am sorry that you are hurting so much inside. I know many here are hurting much inside as well...and I've been there myself...

at the same time, NT is such a wonderful place and I am glad that you've found them/us...

take your time to lurk...all the time you need. But if you shall ever need anything, there is a long line of people that WILL step in when you are at your darkest, I've write a list but it'll take a few days...:)

(((gentle hugs)))

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII

*******************

You are brave!
 

Manda,
I admire your openness.. I feel God lead me to this thread. You, as BlueMajo said, sound like my twin. Ever since I was very very young I was depressed. I remember being a young girl, maybe 6, and looking up at the sky and wondering why am I not like anyone else? I've always felt that way. My mother took me to a doctor when I was 12 because I was so shy and self conscious and couldn't integrate into any relationship. He put me on valium and it was never spoken of again.

And now I read all these wonderful posts from lovely people who have struggled as you are now, as I am now. Yes, friends will let you down. Boy, they sure have devastated me as I look back at my life. And then someone will surprise you with a hug and a warm, gentle smile that says, "I like you, the total package ..."

But it's amazing, really. I was praying just yesterday that God would show me some reason that I was alive ... and I received a phone call from a delightful woman I met briefly - - who is in a wheelchair from decades of multiple sclerosis. She was so happy to talk with me... I knew this would be special. It was a gift from above and I feel just that alone gives me an incentive to be better. To develop this new friendship.

Depression is devastating. Those who don't suffer from it cannot possibly understand. Why should they? All any of us knows is a result of personal experience. I am so very grateful to you for opening up. You are not alone; and I feel the warmth of all those posts too.

Thank you. Thank you. Wishing you some peace and serenity. Sending love and prayers your way... PG

PS Quote: LARA "I would suggest you never ever ever get comfortable with depression or feeling that you're always going to be alone." I'm going to write this down and keep it in my wallet at all times. Thank you so much. I go through these suicidal bouts every few days, so I'll always look in my wallet if I can't get near a computer. end Quote

I love this idea, Lara. I will do the same as you Manda... I can see now that it's completely defeating to try to be comfortable with depression! How crazy is that.... No, fight the enemy. Take up the complete armor of God and keep putting one foot in front of the other... Look for beauty... little things that bring pleasure ... Boy, have I babbled. Longest post by far. Again thank you, and Blessings,

keep trying
 

http://dl8.glitter-graphics.net/pub/...vi5lfc6pjo.jpg......pearl girl

(((((((((Pearl)))))))))

(((((((((Manda))))))))

Thinking about you....

thanks for the post moi. much much much appreciated. i don't know how much longer i can go without seeing a psychiatrist (i'm waiting to be referred to one), but you are right, the people at NT make the waiting game a lot easier. i'm trying my best. i'm trying so hard. every day is more of a struggle than i'd like to admit.

pearl, i'm so glad you posted. i really appreciate that you read through all these old posts and i'm VERY glad that you were able to gain some support and hope from them. everyone here is so incredible.

i've come to realize that my self esteem is largely dependent on male attention. i don't know why. i have nothing to prove. but after every failed relationship, i feel worse and worse about myself. even if the person treated me horribly, i still find that i just want them to call me and tell me that i'm desirable. i'm having a hard time moving past this last failed relationship. all i want is for him to say "no wait, you are a good person. i made a mistake." and it's not just pride....it's something else....the feeling of being wanted. and the feeling of someone fighting for you. i've never had someone do that. so then i seek it from, apparently, the wrong people. i get let down all the time. i don't like myself for that. that's a really embarrassing thing to admit. and as i re-read this last paragraph i've written, i feel like i'm 16 again...i'm so ashamed

i really need to see a psychiatrist asap. i don't know how much longer i can wait, guys. really.

(((((((((( Manda ))))))))))

PLEASE... Sounds to me that you are in crisis mode..

United States:
1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK
Teen line: 1-800-367-7287

Canada
http://www.suicideinfo.ca/csp/go.aspx?tabid=77

World Wide:
http://suicideandmentalhealthassociationinternational.org/Crisis.html

Please keep talking with us... but please call one of the numbers above or go to the emergency room if you are in crisis!!!!

i dont know why i can't bring myself to calling. what do i say...i've never been like this before. i'm crying because i'm just so sad with what my mind is coming up with as solutions...