Hey Manda...

Just wanted to check on you...

Hope the new job is going good...

Did your doc put you on a different AD or just take you off Prozac???

Hang in there bud... know we are here for you....

Let us know how you are doing when you can....

:hug:
Abbie

((Mandy)) Lots and lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:

I am hoping you were give something that will work better for you this time:hug: Keeping you in my thoughts :hug:

hey guys, thanks for checking up on me.

it's so strange. the prozac made me suicidal in a weird way. like, it wasn't in the "i hate my life. i want to end it" way. it was in the "wow, i have three months prescription of meds....it would be so easy to just end everything" way. though it's less extreme, it is NOT ok by my standards. so i went off of them and am feeling better. a lot has changed in my life (i moved away from that jerk guy that really messed with me....i got a job i actually like....i got away from other toxic people) so my life is a lot better than when i started taking meds. i'm not sure what to do. my mom doesn't think i need to be on them. and part of me agrees. it's just such a slippery slope that i don't want to chance falling again. i'm not sure what to do. i have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and see what he recommends. i need him to find me another doctor here in the new city i moved to. but honestly, i think all these changes for the better make my life better. i can start to enjoy things rather than be around bad ppl in my life. i feel like i'm given a new chance at life. i can let who i want in. or i can put up a wall. i know i'm not ready to meet new ppl yet because i'm not entirely sure of my identity. of course, i'm talking to ppl, just not making those REAL connections yet. hopefully this makes sense. so now i need to see what the doctor thinks of this (he was "worried" that all these changes may affect my treatment). so yeah, hopefully something good comes from all this heart ache and pain. i want it to go away so badly.

i'm going back home for the weekend. i'm not sure how i feel about this. i hope i have the strength to be ok in my old environment. i get scared when i think that i might run into that guy (i know it sounds like typical break up feelings, but i hope you guys keep in mind the OCD and anxiety...it makes it hell for me).

and now that i've been away from friends for a few weeks, i feel better. my friends are good ppl, but the OCD side of me always felt the need to explain my bad situations and get them to offer me advice until they offered advice and an opinion that i liked. i made them over analyze everything with me. i think they started to resent me for it. i resented me for it. so it's been good to start to learn to internalize things without going in circles or dragging my friends into it.

i'm trying, guys. i'm trying so hard. i wish you could all see. i struggle. but i'm trying so hard

I think you are doing great Manda...you have a positive attitude about this change and are cautious about your old environment....rightly so.
Soon, this new life....job, city...will become your now life. Remember, we are here for you..cheering you on. Stay in touch. :grouphug:

Keep trying hon !!!! You will do it !!! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :winky:

Im so glad to find out you are feeling better now without the meds :) You dont want to see me out of my fluoxetine :o but, we know meds act and affect different every person :winky:

Also, I think that like you mentioned, a life change is good (a little scary too :p ) but like you said, new job, new city... NEW LIFE !!! :D That's always good specially if you like the new job like you do... I think that helps leaving the past (I mean, the dark side of the past) behind :winky:

Keep up the good work !!

Love ya !

woke up at 3:30 with a severe panic attack. been up since. struggling, but surviving. i want all the damage that that jerk did to go away. i want these suicidal thoughts in relation to that jerk to go away.

i'm trying hard. i just wanted you all to know.

Hi Manda....it's good to hear from you, although I am terribly sorry you are dealing with that. The fact that I am extricating myself from a bad relationship right now makes me especially sensitive to your feelings. It will take some time, and I know that is not easy to deal with. We tend to want the hurt to go away right NOW!! But, it doesn't. All of those emotions and the aftereffects take time to work through. A wound doesn't heal overnight. It takes TIME......and love. So, I am sending you some love, and :hug::hug::hug:sssssssss my friend. Let us know how you are doing when you can. BTW, are you looking for a new doctor yet? :)

Hi Manda,

I am only recently returning to the NT forums.
However, I want to tell you I am reading your posts with interest, with concern, and with admiration for your courage!

You are doing some very difficult work...and doing well at "sticking with it!"
I have deep admiration for your desire to overcome and I have faith in you and your ability to do so!:hug:

You are incredibly wise to keep on reaching out!:wink:
You have a loving, kind and supportive family here!:grouphug:
I am honored to get to know you!

Offering warm, gentle, supportive and safe cyberhugs to you... often!:hug:

Thank you Deja. It's nice to know someone sees strength where I only see weakness.

I can't believe I let someone bash me in for my anxiety and OCD. He said he left me because of them, but really it was because of another girl. But the fact that he went so far as to criticize something that's part of the core of me, rather than admitting he met someone else just disgusts me to the point that I'm disgusted with myself and wish I was different. I wish I was someone he could love. And I find out how much he lied to me and it just makes me feel like dirt. And I just wish something bad would happen so he would realize I'm actually a good person. I'll never forget him saying "I'll talk to you when and IF I want to, on my own terms." I feel so gross. This happened in December. I wish my mind would let me let this go.

Thanks for your concern and strength. I hope to get over this one day. It just doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon. I'm trying and just wish I could erase my memory

Oh!!! He doesn't deserve you Manda!! Why on earth would you want someone so shallow??? Screw him and the horse he rode in on........:o You deserve so much more....it's self image stuff dear girl...you are much better than he will ever have unless he grows up!!! :hug: