awwwwww ((Moi)) Got me to crying now. Going through a very difficult time at the moment. I feel I am being consumed in the grief, Dad's suicide, and losing Lynn inch by inch....but I AM still fighting very hard. Swimming like crazy against the relentless tsunami.

Fighting IS hard. It's exhausting. There is no way around it, I have to work my way through it. Suicide is no answer. Dad fought I am sure, I know he did. Without a doubt, I know he did not mean to destroy us. I know he loved us with all he had. That does so little to console my breaking heart though.

I am not ready to come back, but I had to today. I needed to "ground" myself. To reflect on how far I have come. To be reminded, others have survived this loss. To find the hope I always find here. Much love my friends

Sending real hugs to you across the Cybermiles~I hope you can feel them.

We are here for you Nikki. I think you should call that wonderful dr. of yours and be honest with him about where you are in the grief process.

Beware the deathwish...that unexpected fall out for survivors.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread97977.html

no, there IS no answer, nik...

and I am willing to bet that your dad DID fight it....

and you're right, that doesn't stop those that loving him's hearts from being breaking....

I am not sure how one's heart can be consoled...I know our dear Alpho for 10 years now and I can still see her anger...

I see her moving on yet I know she'll be angry for the rest of her life while her friend is TIME....

and that's just it...I think....I don't think one ever gets over the suicide of the ones that we love....

and that's why I am still around today....because it is when I see folks like Alpho, and you, and others, being angry, and heart broken, that I tell myself to put my keys away, sit on my hands, and talk myself out of it ....

there are days that are extremely hard...because it is so easy to just pull the hands out from under my butt and pick up those keys and go find that tall bridge...

til this day, whenever we'd drive by a bridge...that "sensation" of wanting to jump in would still call me...

the degree of the urges change but it is never easy...

but we need folks like you, folks like Alpho, folks that have suffered that lost and grief and are STAYING angry to let us know why it is a selfish act (no matter how valiant we think it might be...to put others out of our miseries...)

I hope that made sense....

((((BIG HUGS))))