Hi everyone, thanks for your concern. It was a good trip!

I got to town on a Thursday, an dstayed in a hotel. I was picked up by my friend and we did some "fun" stuff for a while. Went to the old hang outs, ran into some old friends, Played some pool, all that stuff. Then on day two, we went to the movies and visited our friend in the hospital who had a heart attack earlier in the week.

I was scheduled to see my step dad on Saturday at 1:00. So, I walked into his "hangout" (which is the local pub) and everyone greeted me with a hearty hello and lots of hugs. I'm the local kid who now lives across the country in California and only comes home every three or four years. It was nice to see all the friends! Of course there was that first few awkward moments when they didn't know what to say, so no one "mentioned" my mom. They all just asked about my kids, and I shared pictures of them. I brought up mom, told them how my daughters resembled her, and how my granddaughter was born right after mom passed away. It's funny how people in a small town just learn to "not talk about" things that they are uncomfortable with. Well, I love my mom and I wasn't going to leave her out of the conversation! So, none of them knew how to respond, but they agreed, then moved on with the conversation to how the weather was in California. It's so "typical" of how they are back there. (That's why I'm "from" there!)

Anyway, he and I drove out to Jefferson Barracks (the military graveyard where she is buried) and went to her grave site. We took her flowers. He went to her site first and said to her, "Hey kiddo (that's what he always called her), look who I brought with me" then he asked her if she had seen any deer lately. It's a beautiful graveyard with lots of deer around it. I had only been there once.

On the plane, and many times before I had seen myself sitting in front of her grave stone talking to her, telling her all the things I wanted her to know, how mad I was at her, and how much I missed her, how sick I was and that I needed her. And now that I was finally there, all I could do was cry. I could only tell her how beautiful my granddaughter was. How much I loved her, and that now my girls were grown, it was time for us to do all the things we had always talked about, like going on cruises, and "grown up" vacations without the kids.

Then an interesting thing happened. My step dad and I (whom I had always had a really weird relationship with, because he was so hard to get to know) sat on the bench by her grave and talked. Now I'm 46 years old, so I'm not a little kid, but he started asking me questions like, "do you ever plan to get married again?" "How are you doing now?" "Have you started saving for your retirement?" Things he never really asked me about before. "Real" questions. He has no parents, no siblings, no children. He only had my mom. And now, he only has me. And I only have him, besides my children. So it's interesting how we have grown closer. He married my mom after I was grown and gone. But he introduces me to his friends as his "daughter"

Anyway, we went back to the house then. I went into her room. (They had a bedroom together, but the guest room was "her" room and the master bedroom was "his" room, she kept her clothes in the guest room and he kept his clothes in the master bedroom. It was part of her illness, it made her feel more empowered to have her own space, so he tolerated it.)
He has kept the room pretty much the same. He added a few of his car trophies. (he's a big car guy, has lots of trophies). It had a much lighter feel to it. No sadness any more. I felt really safe there.

You know, the only time I really cried was at the grave yard when I was sad about her not being able to see my granddaughter, and going on "grown up" vacations with me. That's what we used to call them, because we used to go to Disneyland and all the "kid" places for so many years that we looked forward to going on cruises, etc.

I feel pretty good about my trip. It was not as sad or depressing as I thought it would be!

I also found out that my step dad cares a lot more about me than he ever showed in the past.
Thank you all for caring and going through it with me!

Terri

(((Terri))) It's so very good to read that your trip went well.

Terri, I'm so glad that your trip went well. That's such great news. I'm also glad that things went well with your step-dad.

(((((Terri)))))

((Terri)) That's the 'elephant in the room' that Alffe has talked about often in the forum. It's there, but everyone ignores it.

I'm so glad you brought it up yourself and opened the door for them to speak about it. And SO glad you connected with your stepdad. I have a feeling he's feeling good about your trip. You gave him something as well as him giving to you.

It's wonderful news, your trip. Thank you for sharing it with us. Hugs.

Thankyou for telling us about your trip, Terri. I think many of us had been wondering how it was going. It sounds as if it was a very emotional and enriching experience. Life sure is an interesting journey.

Great news about your trip Terri.
I loved you sharing the visual about the deer...such a peaceful place to remember. Thanks for coming back and telling us...

I am also happy to hear your trip went so well!!
{{hugs}}
I was so worried about you!
Take care and dont be a stranger around here...
~Kell

Wow, what a great group! It feels good to have so many care. I feel I've been alone for so long. I'm pretty overwhelmed by all the hugs and reaching out. This is a pretty cool place. I stumbled on you guys by coming over from the Peripheral Neuropathy group. I've got that unexplained frustrating disease that is really making things frustrating a pain in the *** for me right now.

I have learned a lot from coming to these boards. I am 47 years old, I've been a giver and and a "caretaker" all my life. I've been taking care of other people since I was seven years old. This is the first time in my life I've ever had to ask for help. Even through my mom's suicide, my divorce, losing my job, surgery and being left alone to recover for a week, many many things have knocked me on my *** and I've been able to pick myself up from them. But this disease has finally made me realize that no matter what, I need people in my life. It is o.k. to ask for help. It feels good to let them hug me. It is o.k. to let them help me up. It is o.k. to let my daughters cook dinner for me, or to go grocery shopping for me. I can let them fold my laundry or carry my things in from the car.

I have been so independent for so long, never trusting ANYONE, because if you trust them, then you have to let them in, and if you let them in, then you owe them, and if you owe them, then you have to do what they want you to do, and sometimes they want you to do bad things. Or, you have to tolerate them, even if they are mean to you, just because they did nice things for you before. My mom used to tell me... "you should be gratefull he took us in (my first step dad, the one that beat us and drank away all our rent money) what kind of a man would marry a woman with three kids? He took us in and supported us, you should be grateful for all he did for us." If I should be grateful for that, then life sucks!

Finally she divorced him, when I was 17. She always told me after that, never put up with a man who treats you bad, (I guess she was over-compensating for her putting up with crap from him for 12 years!) so I never put up with crap from men. Therefore, when I did have men in my life, I never allowed them in close enough to trust them. So, here I am, divorced three times, no man in my life that I can trust, my children are my world, and my mom is gone. I now trust my step dad, (mom married him when I was 24).

I'm looking forward to my "retirement" years and wondering if I'll ever be able to trust a man enough so that I can be in a relationship. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to retire alone. I don't want to be the crazy old cat lady (besides, I'm allergic to cats!).

I used to be really permiscuous (sp?) because I didn't know how to "connect"with men any other way. Now I am just lonely because my feet hurt all the time and I just sit in my room and sew and watch T.V. and worry about my kids.

Geez, it sucks getting old!

O.K. I did go visit my old "first love" when I was back home. He is interesting in re-kindling things. His wife died about 10 years ago... (man, I make it sound like we're in our 60's or something, we're only 47) so I spent a few days with him, and he's coming here to spend a few weeks in the spring. So I'm not dead, and I'm not that ugly....

Anyway, I'll shut up now, I just wanted to tell you all that it feels really good to have you all care so much about how my trip was, and how I am feeling, and I am learning to "let people in" and share my feelings! Whew, I sure am... I just gave you all my life history in an email huh?

Thanks for listening!!!!!

Terri

Ohhhhh Terri, you are welcome here anytime, and you sound so much like me! Except I was only married once from 19-24 to a very abusive husband. Never did remarry but had the 2 greatest loves of my life...and they didn't work out. I've been alone for so long I can't even imagine living with a man and I don't care.

Well unless of course he was old, rich, adored me and left his entire estate to me. I don't think anyone could tolerate living with me.

And that trust issue. I hear you loud and clear on that one. But then I'm 57 and and not as cute as I was at 47, lol.

Those battles just keep coming up don't they? Life is a challenge, that's for sure.

Hugs.