twinks,

I'll be honored to sit next to you anytime!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alpho, LOL, you know me and da boss like our tapeworms... OK, she doesn't have tapeworms but inchworms...LOL

well, I promised her I would go to bed at a decent hour. She finally came out at 3am and told me that she needs me to go to bed...

I was planning on getting to bed early. I started writing this with a big smile on my face reminiscing about the past...

I also started writing this because in reading on some of the members here that are struggling with low-self esteem right now and while I am not good at giving/dishing out advice. I feel like I can relate better by sharing my own experiences...

as I wrote, I couldn't believe how much it had triggered me and how all sorts of different emotions came back out and how I ended up in tears...

I had to stop, recollect, then came back and wrote as much as I could've before I had to stop again...

I couldn't sleep rest of the night and today has been a long and busy day. (It was open house for kiddos' school and also the social workers were here evaluating)

anyways, I think I'll sleep well tonight and tackle this another day...I really wanted to relate on how I have triumphed over low-self esteem...without sounding preachy or giving advice or offering the ultimate answers...just sharing what I know and what I've experienced...

and of course, you probably know that already...my love affair with you started the day when I called you Alpho...*biggrin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

barbo,

for all that you've been through, your life's journey is book worthy....I haven't met you yet but I long to hug you and tell you how special you are to me/us already...

~~~~~~~~~~~

my dear Foogy...

when I wrote this, Scott was on part of my mind....he turned out so well at such a young age...big part of that is because that he has an awesome mama...

you once said that you wanted me to be Scott's mentor...I can now tell you that it is you and Scott, that have served as part of my mentors...to me...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll try to come back and finish this this weekend....and bore you guys to death with it....LOLOL

It's good to relive the memories...good or bad....they have made me moved forward..in a positive fashion...

((((BIG HUGS)))) for the broom

never stop posting...please

Thanks for the kind words, Moi. I look forward to meeting both of you one day.

Moi how can it be continued, leaving me hanging like that.... hoping I see the next one when posted... hugsss and glad you back, sarah

I didn't want it to end!! I felt like I was there with you and Nichol.....in the library.....in the rain.....in school. You truly have a special talent. Thanks for choosing us to share it with.

Moi you truly are a gifted writer. Your posts have gotten me out of my lurking period of my life, if only for a brief moment. I usually get my books from friends or libraries, as my son would say "Your the coupon queen", I am pretty thrifty. I would definitely buy a book written by you.

I am so glad you addressed self esteem. I think that when a person has a any condition whether it be temporary or chronic ones self esteem can and is so often effected. As one's ability to adjust to what they can and used to do, their relationship with their family and friends are often effected. If you have had a problem with self esteem in the past, a chronic condition can especially attack your self esteem.

One thing I have noticed in my life, if you have been an A type personality, an overachiever, a people pleaser or obsessive compulsive, your self esteem may be an area that needs looking at. I certainly had to. I have unfortunately had the time to look and deal with it when I got diagnosed with my ms and especially when I finally had to quit work and go on disability.

((moi)) I am in a reflective mode, looking back.. trying to find reasons to hold on. I have read your whole post over and over. I enjoyed it and took something new away from it each time.

Lynn's time is running out.... there is no timeline given, you can just see the decline. The heart I think, knows when that last break is coming. I think I am trying to find ways to survive his loss. I have been losing him inch by inch for so many years you would think I would be use to each new loss. Not by a long shot.....

Having him in the nursing home has been worse than anything I could have imagined. I liken it to boot camp, preparing me for the war I have to face later, life without Lynn.

Consumed with losing him, coupled with Dad's suicide... somewhere along the way I lost who I was. Not just the things I use to do, the things I use to love, but WHO I am.

Lynn's loss is tragic, heartbreaking, devastating. It is a cruel relentless disease. But I have no anger, no sense of injustice. He didn't break my heart, he is not choosing to leave me…..like Dad did.

In the years since his diagnoses, I have had to work through each stage of grief, for each new loss. A few years back, I saw that I was holding on so tight to the past, to what we had, to who WE were together.... that I was losing out on the time we had left.

That is the first time I built a window. I had closed myself in, surrounded myself in the heartache and pain for so many years that it was a very difficult window to build! But the blessings I received far outweighed the pain it caused me to create it.

Dad's suicide sealed up that window and any speck of hope or light within me.

I have been thinking and thinking since I read your story ((moi)) and I think it is time I try to build another window Thank you

Wow! I hope you are posting this in the Altzheimers forum also NikKi...it is so very heartfelt, so agonizing..and so familiar. I loved what you are teaching us about holding on to the past and losing the now. Such a lesson there for us all.

Moi, you are so special. That girl was the lucky one. I'm glad it was a good time in a bad time, we all need those and remember the details, because it's like a lifeline.

I remember my first college English class, which I dropped after two sessions. The teacher announced that it would be "a cold day in hell" before anyone got an "A" in his class.

I was envious of a girl in the class from a wealthy family. She had everything she wanted, including self confidence.

She got a not so good grade on her first paper. The assignment had been to buy a lemon at the grocery store, then write two pages about that lemon.

I wrote three pages, lol. When the teacher was handing back the papers, he looked at me for a few seconds, like he was studying me. I had an "A" on that paper and several comments, but dropped the class because my car quit working and I didn't have a way to class.

That look stayed with me. The little things mean a lot sometimes.

dear Nik,

I don't know what to say, all I can think of right now is that old cliché:

When one door closes, another opens. (except we use windows, in this case)

I am so glad that you are thinking about building another window....to let some light in...and I've got tons of WINDEX ® to help you keep it polished and shined to let some sunshine in...


ditto on that sentiment, dear woman!!

and thank you for being you, kitty!

I have to be absolutely honest...I always feel like I don't write good enough...

I don't write like other writers...I took a writers' workshop years ago and I walked away frustrated and angered because I couldn't do a lot of what the workshop suggested...I just don't think that way...(the way they taught it)

I only then realized later on that everyone has their own way of writing...

I would call mine kind of a lazy style...I am lazy in editing, I am lazy with my language, and I always feel like I don't write everything that I am thinking about...

I drive myself crazy as I write, I have no script nor brain storm. Everything just comes out as I type. I do try to go back to edit my grandma(grammar) but then I get to the point of too lazy and then just forget about it. LOL

I am always very flattered whenever someone would think that I write "well" and I really am humbled....because I know that I always will have room for improvement...maybe I have progressed...

(thank you to those that think I write well, I am really honored and flattered!! I'll keep on trying.... )

awwwww, wizzy!! You are right, the little things DO mean a lot sometimes....

it doesn't surprise me that you got an "A"....I remember your typology test, aren't you in that 1%-tile with Einstein??

that girl from the wealthy family with the self-confidence....I'll bet a rat's left popsicle that she would have one time or another, suffered from some sort of low self-esteem....and if she did, I hope she got over it.

And maybe by the time you met her, she was aware of herself and on the path of self-love...
and that's good...

You're pretty special yourself, wiz....you're funny and you've always supported the moisses with your love and caring thoughts...we thank you so very much!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I kept on coming back to this post myself, not because I am trying to promote it...but it just kept me thinking about the "walls"

I know many of us have probably have conversations that involve "breaking down" another person's walls...

and I am wondering for myself, that in the future, if I get involve in such a conversation, that I'll just say, "instead of breaking down his/her wall, let's build him/her some windows..."

because for me, I don't ever want my walls knocked or broken down...just give me some windows, eh?

for the broom