well, insomnia helps to get more posts out....

not able to sleep the past few days...

I have so much in my head that I want to get out, and say...yet the hands get lazy and the brain gets mushy and incogfognito(thanks, B2U)...

"LIFE" keeps on circling around my head...

especially when we are talking about LIFE in a survivor for SUICIDE forum....

the paradox in itself...

It's funny that today I really gave suicide a good thought...

not that I was thinking about doing it but trying to understand it while wondering my eternal battles with it...

For a brief moment today....death seems the ONLY answer for a few seconds....

I HAD NO IDEA WHY.....

it could be that I've only had about 10 hours of sleep the past few days or that I am constantly hungry....LOL

and no, I am not doped up on drugs....I have stopped taking my pain meds altogether....and I've been taking some sleep aids but it just isn't working...

I am rambling on here...

I really came here to say "THANKS" once again because I am overwhelmed with emotions with you guys...

I DON'T want to go....

I want to be here, with my family.... I don't want to leave my "home"....

I won't want to leave the bunch that I have survived with for so long...

thick and thin, laughters and pains...

I often wondered if I did my job as YOUR friend??

Did I listened enough? Did I said enough? Did I showed enough care?

I am sure I lacked something somewhere but I hope no one will think it's intentional...

it is almost 1am and I am raw with emotions...life really IS good...yet, I am sad...

I am sad that I have to leave and have not said all I wanted to say...how I feel about my family here...

that I didn't say enough to all of you how much I care, feel, love...how grateful, how thankful...

how you have helped me grow....

I miss you guys already....

Sue, 'tis true, I hate to go but I have to....*sniff*sniff

BMW, thanks for the bubbles, I hope we all float high into the sky and reflect the colors of the rainbows...

(and I see those that hit the thanks button...thank you....anyone ever thought it funny that there is "BUTT" in button but it has no butts, and there's "MUTT" in Mutton but it is not a dog??? OK, I am getting too weird, AGAIN!! )

hey, I just noticed, what happened to the subforum? LOLOLOL (*wink, don't worry, somebody filled me in...I just had to be a little devil and rocked the boat before I go....it's ALL good...LOLOLOL)

(((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))

~~~~~~~~~~~~

stop "-ist" me!!!!

has anyone noticed that there are a lot of -ists these days??

I always seem to be a magnet for these "-ists"...

opening the door for a woman , got glared by a feminist (would call her a lady but might get decked)

terrified of flying, because of the terrorists...

need to get some medicine, need a pharmacist..

they can't make the drugs, without a chemist...

he said white powDer? Was called a racist...

getting work 2/3rd done, sneered by a perfectionist...

accidentally stared at a girl's boobs, coined as a sexist... (was really looking at her pin, honIst!!)

I'd like to slap her silly, but that would make me a chauvinist...

thought I'd head to the beach, to think about being an empiracalist...

tried to fly a kite, laughed by a physicist...

maybe not empirical, more of a transcendentalist...

grew some grey hair, looked down by an ageist...

that really gets my go, I am now his antagonist

as I age I am told, go see a protoclogist...

aye yi yi, remind me not to be a scatologist...

those California fires, started by arsonist(s)....

the gov't ridiculed , by the cartoonist(s)....

some don't consider them, true artist(s)

who the critics think they are? bunch of no good elitist(s)

I had a roommate, who was a facist

he protested a lot, and was an activist

what used to be communists...are now called socialists....

I tried to very hard to avoid, I tried hard to res-ist...

but never could I, run from these pain in the ***-ists....

and wouldn't you know it, I'd never be forunate enough....

because I have never been able, to run into a nudist...

I just can't say "goodbye" ..... I can't, and I wont....

You have touched a place deep within me. I know we will stay friends for years to come

, thanks, Nik, it's not a perm good-bye, more like a curl good-bye...

bye da way, I am still around...hopefully will get more time before Monday...

~~~~~~~

I kept on wanting to type more and more, and explain more and more, and that IS my nature...

to some, it can be quite annoying, that's OK, I can't change that but I've learned to curb it through the years...(can you imagine it used to be a lot worse than this? LOL)

today, I answered a PM that I thought best sums up why I have to leave....

it's NOT to create a stir....that's not my nature....(and no, the person did NOT accuse me of stirring anything. Sheesh, why am I always explaining every little things in fear of sending out the wrong infos? LOLOL)

(reason for statement above, in the 10 years plus that I've been around the forums, I have seen forum members saying good-bye and I have seen criticisms of some that says that they are just creating a stir...I am sure there will be those out there that think that of me. That's OK...it won't stop me from posting what's in my heart...LOL)

when I came back to NT after my surgery, and I have been absent for about almost 3 months, I got a bit of messages and PM's that I felt bad that I've neglected.

I don't have EVERYONE on my email and I was very touched by the concerns...

I hope I didn't offended anyone for not replying for so long. And I have been playing catch up the best that I could...

my pattern as some of you may have noticed, is not to make a post or two...I usually leave a trail behind me....LOL
And that IS time consuming...and it is not something that I will and wanting change. That's just me..

and time is what I won't have....

I am going to humbly admit and submit that WOMEN, are the superior sex when it comes to parenting. (at least, when it comes to THIS male here)

I don't know how the moms out there do it....that have 2,3,4,5,6 or more children, able to get them all up, ready on time. Taking care of the various ages through different stages and still have time to cook, clean, watch soap opera, call their sisters and mothers, and still have the time to come and read and post.

I am not sure how Octopus mom is going to do it, and how Kate is going to do it now without Kong?

I don't know how my moss does it. She gets up at 5am each day, goes to work and works hard, comes home, immediately helps out with the kiddos until they go to bed, and still helps with cleaning, cooking, and all that stuff.

Then, there's me....

I have an easy job because I work from home and all I do is draw on my computer, play the stock market, watch the market (tank). And while I do have a parttime job, it is only 8 hours a week (which I am hoping to return to soon) and they offer a day care and will watch the kids for free for the times that I work. Every once in awhile, I get to teach/sub at the college but that is no longer an option for me anymore (not sure why I am even mentioning this, but I know some folks have wondered what it IS that I do for a living? LOLOLOL)

yet, with the kiddos, by noon, I am exhausted. By 8 pm, when they go to sleep and moss and I could have some alone time, I am often snoring while my eyes are opened..

til this day, I have NOT figured out how to multi-task well with the kids around. I see my dear wife doing it. And I KNOW she's tired...yet there there is a strength that she just generates, and I have NO idea where she gets it from...

If I know how to multi-task with the kids around, I definitely would NOT leave my family here...*sniff *sniff..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there are days that I feel defeated with the kids. I am not sure if they love me or fear me...

but I'll tell you what reconfirmed me that I need to concentrate on being a good papo to these kids...

The other day, our little J wasn't behaving well for most of the day. And I really had to have hard talks with him and put him in the time out a lot that day. And I did feel discouraged because most of that day, he would either go to my mother in law or da wife and didn't really wanted anything to do with me...

anyways, that night, while m-i-l, da wife, and I were talking and grand daughter was sitting on my lap, joining in the conversation whenever she could, as well...

out came little J, who just turned 4 this month, with a note.

He announced that he had written ME a letter. And proceeded to read it out loud.

Now, he knows the alphabets but can barely write them. And he knows how to spell few words but he can't spell them on paper. (when I give them time out, I make them spell simple words like G-O-O-D. LOL)

So, there were just a few letters (his name, especially) on the paper and the rest are a bunch of wavy lines...

but he read his letter to me...(I jotted it down the best I could of what he said, but this is the gist of it)

"Dear Papo,

I wrote you this letter because I love you very much because you are always so nice and kind and do things for us. I am sorry I said a bad thing to you but I really love you up to the sky.

J(his name)."

by the time he was half way done, I was already choking up in tears and as I looked over to da wife and m-i-l, they both had tears in their eyes as well....

I hugged him tight and vowed to myself that, "whatever it takes....whatever it takes...."

I have come to love them like my own...I didn't know if I would've or not...but they ARE my kids now....and whatever it takes...

If I ever get to the point that the I can watch soap opera and take care of the kids at the same time, I shall give up "Drags of our Lives" and the "Shame and the Legless" and come spend time here with you guys...(I really don't watch soaps,btw. LOL)

but until that day comes, this papo will need to devote his time the best that he could to his loving wife and now THEIR kids...

and while I do, you dear people will walk beside me......

((Moi)) I think what you are doing is honorable and noble! I think most of us understand your very valid reasons.

You have been given the gift, (with all the challenges )of raising these precious angels...

"whatever it takes..." That says it all my friend

I will just continue to bug you in email
(but don't you dare write back unless you have FREE time )

Moi when i saw the line 'SAY IT AIN'T SO JO' by GmaSue, i'm sorry i could not resist this song.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VZDyOaEI-4

And somehow its somewhat prophetic words, have the same impact on me as they did in 1979 when i bought the single, [ I was 15, and my first girlfriend was leaving to live in New Zealand 'sob-sob']

Its very rare when a man can put his life experiences into words in such a colourful and awe inspiring way, and to use humour and satire to disguise pain and adversity. It's even harder to be able to reach out and connect to so many people, in such an inspirational and meaningful way, but you have done this Moi, and done it splendidly, in a humble and affectionate way.

As i do the guy thing [and gulp loudly, thrust back my shoulders, and bit my bottom lip to prevent the simultaneous tears from streaming down my face] I wish you, Moss, and your young family an exciting future, everlasting sunsets, and more love than your hearts can hold.

You have been a source of great encouragement to me Moi, and your pressance will be missed but totaly and justifiably be understood.


David

And that's why I love this family of ours.......

Same goes for me!! Just what Nik-key said......Boy, do I understand....but still Moi....ya made me cry But that's just ME being selfish....I haven't been here for almost a year?? Blessings to you & your family!

I miss our Moi.

hi gardengrl!

I miss the Mois too