I worked hard to make sure all had gifts that were throughtful, and useful. I shop all year, so I avoid the christmas rush. That means I think of you ALL year, and dont just dash out at christmas time. I got my DH several nice things that he had been wishing for, and the same for DD and DS. neighbors, friends, family and so on.

I knew it was going to be true, but didnt want to believe it. Christmas morning has come and ...I have ONE gift. My DH wrapped the box from the food processor that WE bought with my mothers gift card that she sent to both of us. So, I guess this means he is taking credit for her gift? AND, it means that HE didnt personally go out and buy a thing!

I am feeling quite sad this season. My DD and DS are gone living lives of their own. No grandkids yet, so their lives are filled with friends, and parties, and trying to impress bosses and co workers first. My mom and family are far away. My in laws are not too far, but still not here. The FIL died this year. We no longer live in the state where we worked for decades, so we miss our friends.

I announced to the DH this morn over our eggnog french toast that I am leaving. Not for good mind you, but I need to get out of here! I miss my family, I miss my friends. I am kinda lonely out here in the back woods. If I dont take a mental health break and get outta here, I am gonna either snap and go mental, or go quiet and allow the isolation to take me.

Before you say it, I KNOW i am depressed, but I also know its situational, and can be changed by getting off my dead butt and doing something about it. My Christmas present to me, is a plane ticket back home to visit friends and family that i havent seen in about 5 years. I leave mid january.

its sad when you work really hard, and while you dont do it to get things in return, it hurts none the less when nothing comes back at you. So, I gotta get outta here!

I know I have been quiet and several of you have written me privately to ask if I am ok. The long and the short of it is, I am ok. I am just lonely and miss my family and friends. I put much on hold because I have been sick, and waiting for yet another shoe to drop.

I frickin hate this disease! I will no longer allow it to rob me. So, I am happy once again. I am PRO active instead of REactive, and I am gonna climb on a plane and get outta this frozen wonderland for a while.

Thanks for all the prayers, hugs, and smiles. You guys rock!
__________________

((((((Deji))))))

I wish you could go right now!


Seems like when you're on top of things, you sometimes get taken for granted. Good for you to give yourself the plane tickets! Now you've got something to look forward to.

Maybe DH will shop the after-Christmas specials and surprise you.

You know when it's time for some "space"...I hope it's a time of peace and renewal for you!

hey girl ... I know the feeling ... and before I was told of my MS .. .I use to say .. 'I feel so good, but I have this feeling that the other shoe is going to drop' ... and a friend really laid it into me ... not to think like that or anticipate bad things .. .

it's sounds cliche' ... and I apologize .. but, think positive .. and get away is a fun thing to do ...

do it for YOU .. you are a beautiful and precious life on this earth .. and you are my friend!!

hugs and love!!

I know, it's not about the gift, it's about somebody taking even 5 minutes to think about YOU. All the times YOU put them first, whether you had the time to or not. I hear you.

Dh had a lot on his plate too, the most stressful year we've ever been through. I get that. But it was all brain stuff. He did not have one physical thing taking up time. He was in the land of a billion stores. Had all the time in the world and not one soul stopping him from snagging even a little trinket he could stuff in his pocket to surprize me with - not even a pretty shell? A keychain with a crab on it? Come on....

At the last second, while he ran out to Walmart for snacks, he grabbed a coffee pot to replace the one I was gonna replace. Hands it to me in the plastic bag. Here, Merry Christmas. Woo hoo.

Yesterday I went to get groceries, and the store was full of men, desperation shoppers. I told one deer in the headlights guy "You better get her something GOOD. She is gonna SMELL you got it at the last second. That hurts, you know."

He says "I know she will. How do you DO that?"

Sheesh!

I get myself something. I celebrate me. The heck with everyone else. I've really gotten a hard shell lately.

YOU do what makes it for you, girl. Don't let this get you. Don't let anything get you.

There are things too big to take your mind off, but most of them will not matter in time. I try to focus on what I want to do today, what I can do today, what makes me feel good today.

It's not about what anybody else thinks, wants or needs - it's all about YOU.

It's your world, and they are just living in it.

Good for you in making that step to find some happiness for yourself. I hope time will pass quickly while you wait for that day when you're leaving for your trip. A trip that will bring your nothing but good times.

its not about getting "stuff" its not about not having that necklace or that electronic whatever. it IS about not being thought of, or if I am thought of its a last minute "oh crud! let me rush and get her something" and I dont want to be a last minute, rush, or do it so she wont be angry situation for anyone! Even if my DH would have gotten ME a pair of socks in February, and hid them till now, they would be for ME! not something that was a shared thought from someone else, or not something that he got and didnt want, or something he was gonna give to his mom, and changed his mind...no, I want someone to acknowledge ME! is that awful? Am I being selfish? Well, yeah a bit, but after 23 years of marriage, and making sure that every year all of his family members have cards, letters, birthday cards, anniversary cards, and all the trinkets their little hearts desire I think its about time that someone turned to ME and said Thank you, or Bless you, or i was thinking of you.

I dont want a vacuum, or a blender, or a magarita maker. Those things are for the house, not for me! I dont want new sheets, or hand towels for the bathroom. Does this make sense?

So, thank you for letting me have my pity party. I am tired of doing all the work, and I am tired of stepping over my needs to meet the needs of others. I am going to snap my fingers, and get on a plane, and let the whole world take care of itself while I am away. No laundry. no special diets. No sheets to change or pants to mend, or snow to shovel. I am cold, I am lonely, and I have reached the level limit of what I am willing and capable of doing for others. Its ME time!

A part of me feels really selfish, and really awful that I have stood up and declared this to be "get off me day" but another part feels really good, and proud of me.

Thanks for all the cheerleading. I needed it.

dejibo,

You are right about taking care of yourself for a change. I decided several years ago that I would stop buying Christmas gifts for all but my little granddaughter.

The stress of shopping and buying because it is the right month was more than I cared to contend with forever. So I told my kids not to get me anything and that I was not going to buy them anything for Christmas.

Instead I donate monies/food to food banks in my area and help homeless kids that have NOTHING. It is much more appreciated than anything I could give my kids who really need nothing.

The best way for people to observe Christmas is to go to church and rejoice with some friends and family, in my humble opinion.

I no longer am stressed out with the holidays and still am able to do some good for others. Dates on the calendar no longer challenge me and I set my own holiday times when my kids are able to visit with me.

Good for you for taking the upper hand and I hope your trip is terrific. Life is too short to be worrying about everyone but yourself.

gmi

I don't think it's a pity party at all to want to be recognised as a human being. To be acknowledged for who you are, for what you have done for others, for putting yourself last in order to put everyone and every thing on top of the to do list.

Just once, to be anywhere on anybody's list, that's what it's about. Just to know you count.

GMI is right about life being too short. But it feels SO long, when you try to please everyone except yourself. Nobody else is going to love you if you don't love yourself.

Practice a little self care, Dej, seriously. DO that trip. Take down all the stuff hanging on your walls and put up mirrors instead, so you see YOU, and think about you. Take care of YOU every day first. First thing in the morning, first all day before them, before the house, before the chores, before the world.

You did not come into this world to live for anyone but you, so live your life.

Sound selfish? Not at all. A happy you will make all those around you happy as well.

Dej, maybe next Christmas you can dedicate all your giving to those in need......a homeless shelter or a food pantry or some other service that's used by those less fortunate. At least you know the recipients of your gifts will be grateful. We did that last year and really enjoyed ourselves. And if you plan on doing that far enough in advance you can pick up items all year long and be done long before the Christmas rush.