I'm right there with you. I just had this conversation with my husband. I'm sick of not keeping up. I often say "I suck". Just like the FB discussion about wanting to want to. When you get to the point where you don't even have the ambition to want to do things, well, it sucks!

They say that is a sign of depression, but I beg to differ. I think it is a sign of fatigue! Just thinking about doing some things makes me tired. So, I suck! I have friends who don't get it. They think I should want to come home from work and go out. I want to want to do that, but I don't. I want to cuddle up with my family and do nothing!

I actually got into an argument with a friend because she takes it personally. I finally just said to her that I don't blame her for being mad at me because I don't even like being with me anymore! I just got tired of hearing all the things I don't do anymore.

Why can't people understand that we would gladly be the people we used to be if we only could??

There, you said it, Holly. Word for word. Yes.

In fact, I woke up thinking "I can't keep up. I just can't keep up." So it startled me when I came here and started reading your post.

And to add insult to injury, I SEEM to be surrounded by people worse off than I am who keep smiling bravely (though obviously suffering) and say "Oh, I'm not going to let this incredibly painful terminal illness get me down, I'm just going to put on these dark glass, work through the pain, and keep plugging just as long as the Lord lets me."

Then they bravely do the things that I can't do, used to do, and want to WANT to do. I know it's my own attitude problem--those people aren't doing anything to me, I'm doing it to myself. I KNOW that God has blessed my life in many ways, and I am so grateful. But I'll tell you what. Not keeping up gets old sometimes.

So now I not only can't keep up, I feel like a faithless whining loser to boot. "Feel like", I said. There. Wah wah wah, poor me.

I've been around people like that, too, B2Y. They can make you feel totally inadequate. But........I bet they don't feel like that all the time. I know it doesn't help much when the only time we come into contact with them is during one of their "nothing can stop me" days. We all have those and want to do as much as we can while we feel up to doing it. But I'd bet that they have just as many "wah wah" days as we do. Guess it's a good thing we're not all on the same cycle of energy......

My BIL, very religious and church involved, told me about how cheerful and great the guy in a chair at his church is. My response was "Bet you're not there when he cries."

That was great, Kicker..

I hear you ALL on this one!

I'm one of "those" people, who just keeps plugging along and refuses to admit I have any problems. It may look like I am ok but it's all a front so don't hate me because I SUCK!

I think in my case I am just afraid if I admit that I hurt, that I am stiff, that the spasms are making me angry at everything today, that I MISS ME! I might just snap.

Everything is harder to do, and there's no one gonna pick up the freakin' slack and I have to do what needs to be done or else. I HAVE to work or I don't have meds. I have to pay the bills or they don't get paid. I have to shop, schedule maintenance on the vehicles, clean the house, deal with other family members' medical problems, reassure everyone else that it will be ok and then try to make sure it is. I'm sick of it becaue I used to be able to do it without even thinking of it and now everything is a freaking CHORE that saps my energy and makes me want to sit down and bawl.

I'd be ok today if I could afford to have someone to come in and clean my house before the hordes of relatives descend on me this week. I have to work until Wednesday a.m. and have exactly 28 hours until it all has to be done after I get OUT of work!

I hear you, Riv, and you're not one of "those" people that I feel surrounded (suffocated?) by. I totally admire you for sucking it up and taking care of business, getting it done even when you can't. Totally.

I guess I'm talking about the people (no MSrs on the list, so far) that have a martyrly aura around them. Some of them are for real, some are just painting in on, but sometimes it makes me want to crawl under my bed and sulk.

Sincere peeps like you, River are nevah, I say nevah, included in our rant about peeps with the martyr syndrum.

You are one of my heros and don't you forget it. That is you and you are trying to stay you. I did it all through the 70s and 80s...supermom and all that. Now I'm too lazy to push myself and frankly "my dear, I don't give a damn".

I feel like I "phone it in" most days anymore as well. Wanting to want to do things...anything...seems to get more challenging all the time. Nobody here is alone in that feeling. (((((B2Y)))))

I am really struggling with the change in weather and in church 4 different women came up and were surprised to see me wobbly and off balance. They told me they have all admired how put together I am, even in the face of MS, and to see me tipsy was shocking to them. I told them that I cant be wonder woman EVERY day.