I am in a bit of a flare, and am having quite a few issues, but this time of year tends to be hard on me.

Daddy's b/d is the 24th. He is gone and I miss him each year. I was hard on him and wish badly that I could go back and eat some words, and add a few kind ones.

My grandmother was buried on the 21st of December 1983. 5 days before my son was born. She never got to meet him, and each year I wonder about what their relationship would have been. it was her first grandson and she was so excited to get to meet him. They crossed paths and never got to meet.

My son's b/d is the 26th and while he gets cheated each year with those combo presents I worked hard to make each b/d as special as each Christmas. The last two years he has been dating a very selfish woman who ties him up for each holiday. He missed Tday here, and now he has missed Christmas and the latest phone call said he would see me after the new year was here. This girl is bad news and it breaks my heart that he keeps going back to her after she drags in strange men and burns his belongings when she feels like it.

I am not anywhere close to my own dysfunctional family. its been years since I have seen them, let alone celebrated anything with them. We moved to the back woods to stay close to DHs family but we never see them! They never visit and we never visit (husband goes once a year to hunt) so I am now stuck in the back woods of this town that I dont like, and I want badly to move from.

Lately my head is swirling with thoughts of running away from home. I have been married for 23 years and have a great husband but I am so unhappy. I feel isolated and trapped out here. This town has nothing but snow and hicks. In the summer its filled with rich folks that have more money than common sense. its not a good fit town for me. I cant find a church i like, I cant find volunteer stuff that needs or wants me, and there is no one my own age to play with. All my friends in this town are over 70!

Why does this time of year bring out such sadness? Growing up the only present we would get was gingerbread IF it was a good year. We were lucky to have shoes. We really didnt celebrate the gift giving season, we celebrated the birth of Christ, even tho we knew he wasnt born on this day.

Am I alone? I see so many of you dancing around the holiday trees and big smiles on your faces and talking about family and presents and visits from out of towners and it makes me feel even more isolated.

Well, I think ONE issue is that our culture has turned Christmas into a perfect scenario, like a Norman Rockwell video would be, with smiling Grandparents still married to each other, all generations getting along perfectly, a perfect meal, perfect presents, peace on earth, etc.

And nobody can measure up to the "perfect" Christmas we often think we ought to be having. There are expectations that are totally unrealistic, and we feed it:

"What? You have to work on CHRISTMAS?" "What? You're family isn't coming for CHRISTMAS?" "What? You're going to be alone at CHRISTMAS?" "What? He's have surgery at CHRISTMAS?" and so on. So we just magnify the emotional impact.

That stereotyped version of Christmas is hard on so many people.

Yesterday on the computer, I watched Netflix's Instant play "National Lampoon's "Christmas Vacation".

Talk about wanting the perfect family Christmas and things going wrong. I laughed and lowered my own expectations. I've already bought the things I really want. DH buys black lace or pink flannel, and really I'm somewhere in between.

It's only 1 day.

Too darn much dwelling on the past....Grrrrrr!! We must live in the today. Make it a good time and that will be our new past, tomorrow..

It seems like everyone I ever loved died at around Christmas time. That is what makes me sad. This year will be my best Christmas, because I say so.

Now, if my DD and her DH and my Grand rug rats will all get over the DAM FLU by the 25th, we will have one. If not, we'll have it next week. Jesus won't mind, since it's really not his BD anyway.

((((DEJ)))) It's today, not yesterday....Make it special for just you and DH. Go to a Big Popular Catholic Church on Christmas Day, it should be special and rewarding. I hope you feel better soon..

Hey Dej.

For what it is worth, I will be checking in here on Christmas. Probably a few times. There was a fun game I used to play called InkLink. I don't even know if it exists anymore but maybe if it does, we can play it.

It is a drawing game. I have a word and draw. Everyone guesses until someone wins. At least that is what I think. I will take a look and post it if I can find it again.

I googled it and found it. It is free. Maybe we can get a few of us to play a game. I can get it through FaceBook or just through internet.

Works for me if it works for you. No pressure. Just think about it.