spoke to my mom a couple of times the last few days. Her surgery is this morning the 14th at 10am. She was tearful when we spoke last night, and asked if I would please change my mind about coming down. I restated my desires such as 1. being legal, above board and not hiding in her apartment, to save those days for anyone else. 2. cant sell her pills while I am there. 3. needs to follow the MD instructions. She got very quiet and then told me she didnt understand why I insist on doing things that only serve to take away from her. If she tells the management I am there, it ruins it for the rest of the year, for anyone else to stay. If she cant sell her pills she will not be able to meet her bills, and she will only do what she is able to do from the MD. I screwed up my courage, drew a deep breath, and then said "then, im sorry mom. I love you dearly, but I cannot come." she was quiet and you could hear that she was crying. She told me that I put her in a bad corner. I reminded her that SHE is the one with the power to change that, not me. I am here if she changes her mind.

I managed to change the subject several times, but she swung it around to "what help could I give my sis if she doesnt make it, or doesnt recover?" and "would I help my niece if she didnt make it?" I told her I would love to lie to her all day long, but I am an honest person, and while I feel quite badly for both my sis and her children, I would not be there as a safety net for either, unless they were willing to stand up, and be part of their own lives. If either wants to sit home, chuck back pills, and work the system, they cannot count on me. If my sis wants to call with a genuine request for INpatient care, I would help. It was a long hard conversation.

So, please whisper a little prayer for my broken mother. They are putting double rods in her back and repairing 5 discs. The operation will take about 6 to 8 hours. It breaks my heart that I wasnt able to give her what she sought, but I am not willing to lie, hide, or cheat to help. needless to say, my heart is heavy today.