Spoke to my niece who was in tears. Poor thing was feeling very cornered by them. She has had her life pretty much ruined. I learned many things since I stopped talking to my mom, and started talking to my neice. My mother took out credit cards in her name and ran them way up! her mother took out bills in her name and ran them way up long ago. My mother used to work using this poor girls name. Now that she is really disabled, mentally and physically she cant get SSDI because she has a solid work record even tho it was my mother that used her name. She went before the SSDI judge who told her that she really believes her to be disabled, and in need of services, but with a work record like that, something doesnt match up. All she has to do is say "your honor, that was not me that worked those jobs" and I will be happy to start an investigation in ID theft, we will get you the benefits, and you can start to get the services you require, but If you cant tell me that, then I cannot grant your request, because this work record clearly shows a capable, strong willed, able bodied worker with years of good service. The two dont match, and I think we both know what I am talking about. My neice knew that if she said to the judge what she wanted to hear, that Granny would be facing jail time or a heavy fine, and right now my neice is completely dependant on her for food, lights, and toilet paper. She isnt willing to risk the wrath of Granny to speak up. So, she told the judge she wasnt able to say anything, and benefits were denied.

Why do I tell this story? Because it allowed me to see my mother in a whole new light. I had NO idea things had been this bad, or out of control. Clearly for years my mother has been lying, cheating, stealing, and manipulating her way thru life. Her latest rant was that I have stolen quilts from her, and a photo of my father. I sent a newly restored photo of my dad with a new frame instead of the badly damaged one that I have had since 1995. She is very angry that she wanted the old photo, not some copy. Cant make her understand that the original is so badly damaged that its no longer a photo, it hangs in shreds. The latest battle cry of "she has my quilts!" shows me that no matter what, there will always be some sort of battle cry about what I have taken from her, or denied her access to.

I am not sure how many will understand this action, but I went to Ebay. I picked out a beautiful quilt in her favorite color, and had it sent to her. not out of guilt, or even an im sorry. I had it sent to her as a goodbye. A closing of the book. Im done. I simply cannot deal with anymore lies, half truths, manipulations, or BS. Dear God I dont know what is the truth from the lies at this point, and I am so empty from greiving. This past month has been cathartic and freeing. I am 49 years old this past June, and its going to be a year of freedom for me. I simply refuse to enter my 50th year surrounded by lies, deciet, misdirection, confusion, BS and scams. I have dealt with my mothers scams all of my life.

Im done. So, with a great deal of gratitude and appreciation that my mother did the very best she knew how to do. I let her go. I simply must believe that she did the best she knew how to do, for to think anything else means that she was cruel with intention or on purpose. That she with held love and affection with intent. I am not sure I would survive that thought. I choose the latter. I have not been hugged by my mother since I was 5. I have not heard I love you from her that she initiated since I was 12. its always been a parrot back to me like at the end of a phone call when someone says "love you!" and you say "love you too." but hers was a "me too" I have dealt for years nay decades with the fact that my mother doesnt love me. STill dont know why, but even she herself admits that she found me hard to love. But when you take that level of disrespect and pile on a "you thief!" to it...its more than I can bear.

So...I said goodbye to my mother tonight. It was a long time coming. I pray she finds folks give more love and comfort to her than she ever gave, because she gave very little in this life. She took much, and yet never thought to give back. I wish I were stronger and more capable of being what she needs, or wants me to be but ya know what? im not, and Im gonna stop trying now. im tired, and want to rest, so that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to spend my time with folks that love me, and want to be with me because they love me, not out of some sense of duty. I am a good, strong, honest, reliable, trustworthy, decent woman, and ...she missed out. Just ask my kids.

I still love ya dej. You are always welcome to join my disfunctional family.

I gotta tell ya, I am not upset, teary eyed, or devestated as in fights in days gone by. I am clearly, simply done. I am done with the lies, manipulations, the stories, the back biting, the BS. I just have no more room in my heart for it. like someone threw a light switch.

I called my sister today. I told her I wanted her to hear it from the horses mouth. I want NOTHING to do with her ever again. I dont wish her harm I just wish her well. I dont wish her struggles, I just wish her away from me. I told her that the moment my quilt arrives at my mothers door is a signal that she has lost me forever. I have zero intention of looking back or sideways for that matter. I told my sister I hope God blesses her and shines upon her life, and brings her nothing but glory, but she too has lost a sister. She wanted to talk about my kids, and I said its been DECADES since you wanted to talk about my kids, and they are OFF limits. to ALL of you.

its kinda freeing. I dont feel the sadness, or the pull to look over my shoulder. The amount of disguting things that I found out in the last week was enough to turn my stomach. I know it all to be absolutely true, so it was truly like someone threw a light switch. now I care...click...now I dont.

My mother will never love me. My mother will never tell me the truth. My mother will never show me affection, honesty, integrity, sincerity, or concern. My mother is who she is, and I cannot expect a cat to bark, anymore than I can expect a fish to crawl out of his pond and walk on land. I was expecting thru the years for her to be someone she isnt capable of being.

God bless her, but God bless her without me in her life. Im truly done. I dont want to lie, cheat or steal to get moms attention. I dont want to manipulate, gossip, or speak badly of others to look better in her eyes. I dont want to throw someone over to make my standing a better one. I am good enough, just as I am. I am honest, trustworthy, kind, generous, sweet, and funny. She lost out.

I grew up with a "father" who was a verbally abusive cross dressing (he liked to walk around the house in my mom's underwear) alcoholic. The only we agreed on was that we hated one another we were more like warring siblings than father/ daughter. Mom could be cool & loving but she had a hot firoucious temper (ruled the house with a mop handle). I knew from earliest memory that I was adopted. I never really fantasized about my birth mom but I DID WANT A FATHER - A REAL FATHER. I dreamed of the day that my "real dad" was going to ride in like a knight on a white horse & rescue me from the insanity that had become my life. As soon as I turned 18 I began the search. Though I DID NOT live at home at the time mom accompanied me to a medical appointment & when I was not present she snooped in my knapsack & found addressed but not mailed letters to adoption search agencies. A couple days later she told me of her find & said to stop the search she knew who my birth parents were. Mom came from a large family all of her sisters had strange quirks (some stranger than others) & her 1 surviving brother had been in the military too long & thought that everyone was in the service. I had to say "yes sir" or "no sir" or get a butt wipping.

The least favorite of my mom's sisters was Mary Lou. Even as an adult Mary Lou was spoiled and pampered and what she said was taken as gospel even if there was no evidence that what she was saying was the truth. Mary Lou HATED ME from earliest memory. She was the mother of 6 & her kids were little terrors but when they visited & something went wrong (a window got broken, money was stolen, walls were graphittied) MARY LOU BLAMED ME & I got the mop handle. I could be in Florida & her kids could act out in New York & I would get blamed & get a whipping. Mary Lou was verbally mean to me & showed through words & actions she DID NOT like me which was ok because the feeling was mutal.

I was shocked & dismayed to learned that MARY LOU WAS MY BIRTH MOTHER. My birth father (the man who was going to "rescue me") had died 9 months before I was born, leaving Mary Lou a widow with 3 small children, my sister is 10 months older than me, my middle brother Lester, a year older than that & Harry (may G-d rest his soul) was a year older than Lester. Mary Lou went in "hiding" when she found out she was pregnant - she told no one. Then she went into labor in the middle of the night & panicked she called her sister Ginger (my mom) to help. While Ginger's husband watched the children Mary Lou and my mom went to the hospital. Mary Lou waited so long that I was born in the Emergency Room. After being in the hospital with me for a few days (mom said she just did not seem "interested" in me) Mary Lou announced that when she was discharged the next morning she was leaving the baby (me) behind & let Social Service "deal with it". Ginger had watched Mary Lou years before she met my bio dad give birth to 2 out of wedlock sons & put them up for adoption, Ginger did not want to lose another family member. With her husbands persmission when Mary Lou was discharged Ginger & her husband took me home. It took a year to sort out the legaliities of adoption.

Mary Lou soon became involved with another man & 13 months after I was born she gave birth to my first 1/2 sister, Susan, 2 more children, a boy & girl followed. Mary Lou did not marry this 2nd man until the youngest child was 5 because he was still married to someone else. Mary Lou never did anything logically so for unknown reasons she had the 2 youngest children's last names changed to her new husbands but left her oldest child Susan's last name as Meerkatz (my bio dads name).

After being told who my bio parents were & having a huge bubble deflate in my life I was dealt another blow. My mom did not feel that Mary Lou was "ready" to know that I knew about my birth parents. I was sworn to secrecy until "the time was right" to tell Mary Lou. But years passed & the time was never "right". On a trip to Nevada I visited my brother, Harry (oldest) & my 2 neices but kept "the secret". Shortly after our visit Harry "disappeared".

After Harry disappeared I was devastated - what if I never got to tell him I was his sister? After a major argument with mom over the adoption issue I wrote a long letter to my oldest sister Anne (10 months older than me) & told her the whole story. I then got on a plane to Florida where I overdosed on pills & alcohol.

I thought that my siblings would welcome me & want to make up for lost time but that was not the case. They were actually angry with me for saying anything. Susan the oldest of my 1/2 siblings started to question her paternity because of having a different last name. Things were a mess. Undaunted I spent almost 30 years trying to mold this bunch of crazies into the Waltons. Buying them gifts at the holidays, sending them cards. Everything I did met with opposition and anger. Each birthday I celebrated was their opportunity to send me long emails & letter about much better life would be without me. I STILL WANTED MY FAMILY & DID NOT GIVE UP!

Harry returned from "the missing" (long story) to tell us he was dying of colon cancer he said he owed it to the family to let them know so that we could be tested. He was the only one that seem "happy" that I was his sister. Harry visited PA with his family in what was a reunion/ good-bye party. Harry & I got along great. Anne who hosted the party & only invited me at my mom's request IGNORED ME the whole time.

I took lots of pictures during the party & at Chanukah sent some to our aunt (my bio dad has 1 sister). In the Chanukah card I sent an update of the goings on & noted that "Harry looks well despite the heavy doses of chemo". Well unbeknownest to me Harry & Anne had decided to keep Harry's cancer diagnosis secret from our aunt. I DID NOT KNOW THIS. Anne, like Mary Lou can convince anyone of anything. She can say the tree outside is purple & grows sneakers & people will believe her. This was the case with my revealing "the secret" to our aunt. She convinced everyone that she HAD told me to keep this a secret & I went against her & Harry's wishes. The thing was that EVEN HARRY BELIEVED HER & GOT ANGRY. Harry died 7 months later at the age of 52 & NEVER SPOKE TO ME AGAIN - HE REFUSED because I revealed "the secret"

The November 30 following this my "siblings" were particularly harsh as they sent hurtful, vindictive & even threatening emails instead of birthday wishes. Then my bio mom Mary Lou sent me an email. I was in the process of moving in with my mom & posted on FB I was moving but gave no specifics. Mary Lou sent me an email ON MY BIRTHDAY with NO INTRODUCTION ("dear" "to") NO HAPPY BIRTHDAY, simply "heard you were moving - send new address" she NEVER EVEN SIGNED IT.

I thought long and hard on the emails I received that day & then BLOCKED ALL THEIR EMAILS, BLOCKED THEM ON SOCIAL NETWORK SITES, BLOCKED THEIR PHONE NUMBERS & CLOSED THIS CHAPTER IN MY LIFE. I concluded that if after 30 years (almost) my "family" could not accept me that my repeated attempts to mold them into the Waltons was the equivilant of spitting in the wind. This was a particularly hard decision because I knew that my mom wanted to maintain a relationship with Mary Lou - how would she handle my "divorce".

The problem arose the next month when mom announced that Mary Lou & Anne were visiting for the holidays. I told mom that was fine but I would stay with friends during their visit. I explained my story. Mom disinvited them adding fuel to the fire by telling them why she recinded the invitation (because of me). But since then mom & I have talked. She is now more accepting of my decision she does not mention them to me I do not ask about them & when she was in PA on other business she visited Mary Lou but she WILL NOT invite them here because she knows I will leave when they visit.

This was one of the MOST DIFFICULT DECISIONS OF MY LIFE. All my life I wanted a "dad" and a "real family". I also need to face the fact that mom is getting older (she just turned 80 in December). Mom has one other surviving sister, she is retarded & lives in supportive housing. When mom passes I WILL BE TOTALLY ALONE have "divorced" the remainder of my family. But now a single day goes by that I regret my decision. It was what I NEEDED TO DO to preserve what is left of my sanity. Having that part of my family in my life was not beneficial or healthy, it was detrimental & could have been suicidal. I HAD TO LET GO!

I have concluded that in life there are sometimes decisions we must make that alter our lives (& perhaps the lives of others) forever but it is sometimes necessary to LET GO - like with your situation we need to weigh the "checks" & "balances" if there is too much on the "debit" side - maybe we have to LET GO. Life will be lonely when mom is gone (we are very close) but NOTHING WILL MAKE ME GO BACK ON MY DECISION TO "DIVORCE" THE MAJORITY OF MY FAMILY. LETTING GO WAS ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT DECISIONS THAT I EVER MADE IN MY LIFE BUT IT IS ALSO ONE OF THE BEST DECISIONS THAT I EVER MADE. And when mom passes BEING ALONE IS BETTER THAN HAVING "TOXIC" PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. LIKE WITH A SPREADING DEADLY CANCER THAT PART OF MY FAMILY HAD TO BE "REMOVED".

I wish you love & luck on your future journey & realize that you did what was best for YOU - DON'T EVER QUESTION YOURSELF OR REGRET YOUR DECISION. YOU ARE A VERY VALUABLE PERSON & YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN WHAT YOU FAMILY WAS GIVING (though it is is possible that, that was all they had to give). MOVE FORWARD WITH YOU HEAD HELD HIGH & EMBRACE YOUR FRIENDS BECAUSE VERY OFTEN OUR FRIENDS ARE CLOSER, MORE LOVING, MORE COMPASSIONATE THAN OUR FAMILIES.

I've been away from the site for a few weeks Dej and I hate to point this out, but you said pretty much the same thing back in mid June. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe you need some additional support/counseling to really extricate yourself from this familial nightmare?? You keep running up the same hill.... How are you going to change - I mean really change - this script????
I might get thunked for saying it but... sorry, I'm just sad to hear you're still in it.

It's extremely hard to cut people out of your lives. Even ones that have hurt you over and over again. I've read that it sometimes take women in abusive relationships 6 or 7 times in order to finally break away. If you don't keep your word to yourself about cutting all contact with them, don't feel too bad. I know how hard this is to do. We'll support you no matter what you decide.

its is EXTREMELY hard to cut family out of your life. it isnt like some boyfriend wanders on the scene, treats you badly, and you point to the door. These are the folks that molded your foundation. That taught you right from wrong, even if they taught you wrong, or badly. These are the folks that you belived when you were little no matter what they said. If you were told that vent handle in the car made the seat drop down and fall onto the pavement, you believed it. You took them at their word.

No disrespect to becca, but sometimes we have to let go in tiny increments until we have the courage or the bravery or some event large enough to bump us off the edge. Like getting into a cold lake to go swimming. Some of us have the courage to jump off the dock and get wet all at once, while others of us tip toe inwards till the water is finally up to our shoulders and we start to adjust to the new temp that surrounds us.

Not only have I been waffling and wavering on this decision since June, I have been waffling since I was 12. It was then that I found out that my mother lied, about many things. it was then that the horrible abuse began in my home. it was then that my daddy left and my only source of support left with him. it was then that I caught my mother in many compromising situations and I learned for sure that my sister was much more important to her than I would ever be.

So, yes, most of you have heard this story from me before. its been a painful, gut wrenching, soul searching journey and its been a rugged one that has left me wounded and bleeding. Whats different this time? Well, A lot more truths have been uncovered, and it connects puzzle peices that have been missing or misleading for years.

I have been working for decades to get my mommy to love me. The last conversation we have she told me flat out that NO! she doesnt love me. She "tolerates" me. That this whole MS BS is a manipulation on my part to garner enough sympathy to pull others to my side, and manipulate them against her. um.....thats just nuts! She clings to my drug addicted sister as if she is mother theresa and for years I couldnt figure out why. now I know. BOTH she and my sister are selling their prescriptions for money. my mother has dramatically increased the amount and types of MD that she goes to for more and more meds, which means more and more money, and more and more insanity.

My sister called and spilled alot of bean on herself, and the old woman. It answered so many questions. The neice called and confirmed it. and then...it was like something in me broke. like the smoke had cleared, the spell had lifted, and I could see clearly. All the lies, all the half truths, all the stories. I live far away so I wasnt able to see these things with my own eyes, but after learning what the missing peices were...it changed me

Believe me or dont. Back me up or dont. Trust me or dont. im done. im gone. I want NOTHING to do with ANY of them. I am greatly relieve that the stress is gone, its like an elephant left my chest. I dont worry about them, and I know for sure in the deepest corner of my heart and soul that I am done. if my mother died today I would not go down for the services. If my mother were admitted to ICU I would not go down. If my mother called and left a message about how sorry she is, I wouldnt believe her. I would see it as a manipulation. so..

Life isnt fair. I got a mom who cant/wont love me. I got a drunken dad. I got abusive sisters and brothers and it took me years of chipping away at it before I was able to struggle free, and ya know what...IM FREE!

Thank you for all the support both public and private, this has been incredibly painful right up to the moment I let go. At that very moment it was like all of that pain drained right out of me. I am no longer up for bids on manipulations, anger, drama, lies, or the BS. let them go sell it elsewhere, AND! I am changing my phone # as well as seeking a new house. I shant be sharing either new #s with any of them. I am marching forward with my life, without them. I have great kids who never see or hear from them, and I have great inlaws that love me for who I am. not who I am related to. So...again, I say thanks, but I stand on my position. im done.

Dej,
I know how I waffle on lesser issues and am amazed at you. Increments is sometimes the only way until the bone is broke clear through. This is hard stuff.

I know how hard it is. My brother was always my mom's favorite. He could do no wrong. He left home when he was 18 but was still Mom's favorite. As I have always put it she had one child and it was my brother. But she depended on me to do many things for her. My parents were a dysfunctional couple. They should have divorced many years before she died. She was not well for many years so her care fell on me. If I didn't do things right or wanted to go out I was guilted into doing what she wanted me to do. I loved her but did not always like her. My father is a selfish SOB. He still is.

The last year of my Mom's life she lived with cancer and its treatment which was difficult. My dad and brother could not deal with it or the terminal diagnosis so guess who had to - me. I was in my early 20s. I did and it was not easy. During that time I had knee surgery with a cast from hip to ankle but still lifted my mom from bed to wheel chair and to where ever. I was there alone with her day and night. She did her best to shield my brother from her deteriorating condition while not giving me any peace or relief from it at all. I was alone the last weekend when she finally had to be hospitalized and it was thru some help of a friend that my dad had to take care of her for a few hours and could not do it. Thats the only reason she was put in the hospital. She was not in her right mind but was mad at being in the hospital. I was trying to talk to her and her last words to me was "Are you enjoying watching this". I tried not to put any meaning to those words. She died the next day.

When I look back I have no guilt. I don't regret a single day. I am at peace. My brother and dad, well I don't know. They only know their heart. Everyone had to do what makes their heart feel right. You have to make the decision that when they are gone you can look back and know your heart will be at peace with yourself.

My dad is still an SOB. But I can't cut him out. I have cut contact or rather he has chosen to do so because of some slight he has perceived that I did. Well that has made it easier on me. So I go with it. He is 87 now and sometime in the future he will not be here anymore. I don't want him to leave and me to not be at peace with myself. So I don't cut ties with him. That is my decision.

Just make sure that in the end you can live with your decision and your heart is at peace and your mind is tranquil.

You must feel just awfull, Dej. Even though you are satisfied with your decision, IT STILL HURTS!!