[restorativepose]

Yesterday I was having lunch with a friend, one of those who has become "strangely and newly absent" since my health situations started occurring.

(I am undx'd, working with a neuro, maybe MS or maybe myasthenia or who knows.)

My friend's comment was "I am going to just assume this is like the flu.... that it's going to go away and resolve itself, and that you'll be back to normal any day now".

Ok... interesting, thanks for that. Thinking.

Then I worked up the courage to speak up for something quite deep that's been hiding inside me. I explained that sometimes, if I feel blue and discouraged, I catch myself thinking that no one will want to support me in friendship because I'm "damaged goods".

The friend replied, "Well, so what? If I go away, so what? And if your other supporters go away? So what? You'll make new friends, you'll adapt."

I had to pause and take it all in as neutrally as I could, because his response was valid. In hindsight, I think I was looking for a response of "I will be here for you in this time, we all will." <-- didn't get that

Thanks for letting me share. Still kind of processing it and gently guiding the experience into the Positive mindset instead of allowing it to become negative.

[Kitty]

You indicated that this friend is a "he". I've found that men tend to approach illness/sickness/being handicapped differently than women do.

Men tend to want to fix things. Nevermind about all the "feelings" and "supportiveness"......they just want to fix it, be done with it, and move on.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing. It's just how most of the men I've known are.

They're programmed differently than we are. Women want to explore all sides of a situation. Emotional, physical, intellectual........men just want to fix it and move on.

This can be hard when all you really want is for someone to be there for you regardless of whether they can fix it or not.

So while your friend came off as sort of uncaring and clinical I think he was probably just doing what most men do best......trying to give you a solution.

I know what you mean, though, so here's a hug .

[Sparky10]

You may find yourself using the term "friend" a lot more selectively. Anyone who would say to you "Well, so what? If I go away, so what? And if your other supporters go away? So what? You'll make new friends, you'll adapt." just opened the Exit door.

[Debbie D]

I have a close friend who is abrupt and speaks her mind honestly just like that. she isn't nurturing like huggy-cuddly, but is so valuable because she tells it like it is, and asks questions to get your brain to think from a different perspective. And she lets me know that she loves me...we all need people like this in our lives, IMO.

[Kitty]

This brings to mind something my boss (a man) used to tell me all the time when I was wrestling with problems within my department. He'd say "take the emotion out of it" whenever I'd get upset about something. It sounded unfriendly and cold but it helped me make decisions based on facts not feelings.

Life is different. We need others to support us and make us feel valued. Your friend seems very unemotional and disconnected. And he may be. I don't know what his past was like or what formed these characteristics within him.

I know I could never say something like that to anyone. I wonder if he's ever been in a vulnerable situation?

[SallyC]

I guess it's better to have said that, than not to have said it and yet, feel it.

What you want to hear and what my DH said..."we'll get through this together".

[restorativepose]

Originally Posted by Kitty

We need others to support us and make us feel valued. Your friend seems very unemotional and disconnected. And he may be. I don't know what his past was like or what formed these characteristics within him.

I know I could never say something like that to anyone. I wonder if he's ever been in a vulnerable situation?

Excellent observation, Kitty

Yes, this is truly a man who operates on a 'management' mindset instead of an emotional one. Tries to take the emotion out of everything, emotions = bad. Over our friendship of many years I came to learn that his father is exactly the same way. We all learn it somewhere.

For me, I want to do my best to honor my emotions as an important part of me. In too many occasions I've tried to stuff them down and carry on as if I am fine and dandy. Thing is, I can still be "fine" and have emotions too.

(Hopefullly this makes sense.... eye blur fairy is visiting me today.)

[restorativepose]

Originally Posted by SallyC

I guess it's better to have said that, than not to have said it and yet, feel it.

What you want to hear and what my DH said..."we'll get through this together".

Sally my dear, this is why you are deemed "wise elder" on this forum! All in all, yes.... I am proud of myself for having worked up the courage to have that conversation in the first place.

Love your signature pic, btw