[Erika]

"Thank you for your message. It has been added to an automatic listing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect a reply in approximately 19 weeks."

"I will be away from work for one week while training. When I return, don't expect any improvement."

"I have left the office to pursue my dreams. If you need me, I'll be sitting at home, watching TV."

"I've run away to join a different circus."

"I recently quit this job because of emails from people like you. I hope you're happy."

"You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all."

"I will be out of the office and returning next week. I have incredibly easy access to emails, but I assure you, it will not be used for work purposes."

"I am out of the office due to a family emergency. Our DVR is on the fritz. I will return to work upon a successful recording of the Big Bang Theory."

"I am no longer able to check my email. My employer and I have come to a compromise and I am no longer able to come within 500 feet of the building. In exchange, I will not serve any time. Thank you for your understanding and I hope that you find what you are looking for but it is very likely that I stole it."

"Please note new rules for sending me emails. I allow each sender one email. If you send me multiple emails, I will randomly delete your emails until it is pared down to one. Choose wisely. Please note that you already sent me one email."

With love, Erika