Calgon, take me away. Please!

My co-worker/assistant just broke down in tears because of something I said. I thought it was fairly neutral, now I feel like a heel.

She's married to my business partner, and so she works here. She can be a total downer, complaining all day long about any and everything.

She'd just come into my office to complain about the UPS insurance fees. I'd told her previously, maybe we don't need to insure each and everything since nothing ever gets lost or damaged.

So, thinking this was just an intro for the day's complaints, I frustratedly said, well maybe we shouldn't purchase the insurance. Look at our long term costs over time and we never need to make a claim (though the customer pays the insurance cost.)

She argued that we need the insurance, "just in case anything happens".
I countered with, nothing has happened to any package in the past eight years of business.

She gets sort of short and says, well, do you want me to insure this package or not? I said, yes, go ahead, I wasn't talking about making a change right this minute. I said, I'll discuss the package insurance with "Bob" (her husband, my business partner) later on.

"Bob" yells out from his office, those items would cost $1,000 to replace (he's thinking we're talking about the one package).

She yells back at him, "No, that's not what we were talking about."

So, about a minute later, she comes into my office whispering to me that I'm not being fair, that just because she comes into the office telling me about the high cost of insurance, it doesn't mean she's complaining. Then her voice breaks and she get teary.

I said, it's ok, I don't mind if you were complaining. (A big lie!) I said it basically because of the waterworks starting.

Background: She can be highly manipulative and also with strange mood swings and anger. She was nearly fired a year ago for an angry outburst (yes, even though her husband is a company owner!)

Question: Is she manipulating me with these tears?

I have made it clear that I can't work with constant negativity.

Oh, and about the title of the post. She claims that I'm like a man. If I incorrectly feel that her compaints are in fact complaining, then I feel have to fix whatever the problem is. So, I'm like a man because I want to fix everything.

I feel so torn here, she does her work ok, but she adds so much emotional baggage with her complaints and manipulations.

Am I just being a whiner?

BTW, I hate getting up for work and coming into this office on most days.

I know what you are going through with Ms. Whiner; I worked with a Wendy Whiner who was my assistant.

I got so every time she would start in; I would either excuse myself or come back with a bigger whine!!

Honey; you think you got trouble.. well let me tell you about.....


Finally she was transferred to another department and Lazy Lola came to work with me or rather watch me but I much preferred her to Wendy!

How long until you can retire??

Gee wiz, Wiz, what a pain. It's hard in a small environment, but can you ask her to put those kinds of concerns in an email so you and Bob can work from the same page? Have you given any thought to telecommuting from, say, Jamaica?

What does Bob say about the situation?

Thanks for sharing Janie. I may have to retire from my own company and go to work elsewhere for this very reason. I have offered to do all of her work myself if "Bob" wants her to stay home or work elsewhere. It's tough on him too!

But, conveniently, she doesn't like to drive in the winter so she "can't" work anywhere else. (Though I've offered to help her find a good job that would be more suitable to her.)

Thanks AMN,

I've tried the email route or just asked her to make a list and she doesn't like to do things that way, she prefers to vent her opinions while "informing me" about things (although it isn't complaining.)

I can't telecommute, because a lot of the stuff I do is hands on. We tried that once at the time she was nearly fired. She went stir crazy because she didn't have anyone to vent to. I've already cut down to four days a week for this reason.

She only works three days a week, and both Bob and I look forward to her days off.

When I come back from vacations he looks like he has PTSD most times.

She needs some major therapy and very likely meds (like librium I'm thinking), but she won't do either of those either! Because pills might give her side effects, and if she gets therapy, it "will be on her record."

The thing is, sometimes I really like her, she can be really funny! I've counseled her on her behavior with much empathy. It's like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall.

What's her position there? Is she one of the partners or part owner?

No, she's the office assistant, and not an owner (thank goodness!) She was a company director but last February, I voted her out because of her erratic behavior. So now she's just an employee (but the President's wife.) BTW, Bob and I are also employees. It's a very small company.

Since I'm opposed to violence, Guess I'd better not answer this one, Wiz!! (kidding) When your'e in a small work envionment, it's terrible when you have to deal w/someone like her.

My Sister just went through the same thing and when she moved, she said she would never ever work w/someone like that again. It makes for an extremely stressful work day.
On one of her off days, you and Bob should sit down and figure a way to get her either OUT or to a Dr for the mood swings. I know you said she doesn't want meds, but how about BOB talking to her or tell her to go to him w/her problems.

Is she menopausal? Not to say that could be the prob, but some women have a really emotional time w/it.

Take care Wiz, your'e too nice to have to deal with this.

(I'll send AMN over)

Oh no... I worked with one of those too. We called her Cryoline.

I swear, she'd burst into tears and fly out of the office if you said the printer was out of paper.

I wanted to set her in the naughty corner sooo bad.



Do they ever grow up, I wonder?

Ewiz, it's not you, you are not out of line. I'm so sorry you have to work with her. And her dh... Poor guy. He could slip her something, she doesn't have to know.

Ok...
Trying to pick my words carefully...

This woman has convinced herself she's "a victim". I have a zero tolerance policy for these type of people. Why? I used to be one. (It took something very dramatic to snap me out of it, i.e. DUI 2 years ago). Save the crying for Oprah, and the complaints for a journal your kids can read after you croak.

Get back to work or find another job. Oh, but wait... new coworkers wouldn't be so quick to tolerate such behavior. I guess you're !@#$%^, then.

Just one of my soap boxes...
Tough love and whatnot, I suppose.

Life is hard. It's a lot harder if you're stupid. -John Wayne.