This is the first time I have been able to remember my password in a long time. I have been reading this but could not sign in. For some reason right now I feel great and can not understand why I have been so bad for so long. But I am home alone and almost know that when my brother gets back home my head is going to crash again. But he was out of town all last week and I was still a mess. I have a massive fear for some reason of being around any people and I just kept feeling like some one was going to just come here even tho I asked every one to leave me alone. My head just locks up and I am not sure what any one is talking about or what even I was saying. And the pain starts shooting in my head and I have to just go hide in the bed room. It is not just with people tho it happens when I am just trying to figure every thing out even by my self but when I am by my self I think it is not as scary. I can not believe I am writing about being scared. Any thing in my life that most people are afraid of I would do just to not be afraid of any thing. That is a big reason I know I liked sky diving. When you jump out fo a plane every thing else is small ****. Any way, I think I am writing this just so I can go back and see it if I do not stay good so I can remember it. I wish I could just go jump out of a plane again right now. That is not how my head got messed up so every one knows. It was at work just doing my dam job.

But every thing is a mess now. I have no money. The insurance company stopped my work comp a long time ago. My boss who was suposedly a friend has doen every thing he could to screw me over. If i can not get my head straight and get a job I do not know what I am going to do. My family has done every thing they could to help me but I can not handle even being around them so I keep messing every thing up. That is all I do is try and find a car to just go away nad not be a problem for every one. But I can not even figure out how to do that of course with no money. I have been mostly keeping my self locked up in a dark room for way more than a year now. When I have benn with any one else my family or my girl friend that is all I can do is try and figure out how to get out of there or away from them. The acupuncture has seemed to stop the worst of the pain in my head but it is still not good and I constanty feel like it is coming back wich I think is what is scary because it is massive pain and then I am just totally insane and it is all I can do to not just want to smash my head to try and stop the pain.

God I hope it stays better now.