I am now 13 months+ into this nightmare. At the end of July, I broke up with an amazing woman I had been seeing since the previous October. I wasn't happy, and it was starting to really ruin the experience. The constant headache had really begun to wear on me, and the closer I got to the mythical 1 year mark where the problems I have seem to be irreversible, the more anxiety and stress seemed to weigh on me.
She was always such a positive person, and my negative attitude, mood swings and feeling of hopelessness were passed onto her, and I could tell it was a burden for her everytime I would snap, or just break into tears whenever the slightest argument came up. We would disagree over something, and I couldn't just let it go, the anxiety would tear me up. I was never able to really communicate for fear of her getting to really know how messed up inside I was, and she would leave. Eventually it was too much, I was overwhelmed, and thought it would be kinder to her and easier on me to go this alone. She told me she still loved me, but I just couldn't get over the idea that just about everything was hopeless, and withdrew.
I was doing okay until about 2 weeks ago, when I took a soccer ball to the side of my head, not a terribly hard blow, that brought me back to essentially the level of headache I was at a year ago. The past two weeks have been some of the darkest of my life. I feel like I am on the verge of tears all the time. I have never honestly thought that this life just isn't worth it until now.
She was the most loving and caring person, and I threw it away. I am just wondering if anyone else's love has disintegrated before their eyes because of their symptoms. I don't know what to do. There is a giant part of me that is crying out to do something to get her back, and the logical side sometimes says "go fix yourself first." I just don't think she will still be there when I am somewhat recovered from all this. I am trying to find a psychologist to talk to, and work on the anxiety, emotions, guilt and everything else. If anyone has experienced this horrendous level of self doubt, please help me.