[Philippe1977]

Hi,

I am so glad i found this forum. I was in an accident in november, I hit some ice and drove into a ditch. I hit the left side of my head pretty hard. When I was first injured I got Cat Scans at the hospital and they told me it was a concussion.

I felt like I was on a boat rocking back and forth for the first month. Stabbing pain behind my eyes. I feel like I was rolling end-over-end when I lay down and got very little sleep. I havent had a dream since. I couldn't focus and even a ten minute walk made my vision foggy. I would "zone out" often. My Family doctor told me to rest and that is about it.

Two months later, I am still spinning when I am in bed. I look like a zombie with huge circles under my eyes. I really have been trying to fake happy for work and do what I can. I have felt pressure to come back too soon. I am worried about my job now because they have had to arrange things to cover for my absence. I don't think they believe me anymore. What is really funny about that is I have become pretty indifferent about what they think. I just don't care and I cared so much before this all happened.

What I am really worried about is that I feel very edgy, paranoid then terribly depressed. My emotions are a roller coaster. Before the accident I was usually very happy with alot of energy but I just can't get there anymore. It feels like I haven't had a genuine smile or a good laugh since. Things people say just pass me by and It seems like I just don't react at all anymore. I feel changed.

I don't get out much, I don't socialize they way I did and I don't even want to try anymore.

The reason why I am posting is because I needed to express how I feel. I am trying hard to fake being well so I can move on. I don't think I am fooling anyone.

I am back to work but I have no drive and I am doing a pretty bad job overall.

I am posting because I needed to see how I feel in writing. I don't think it is right that my doctor is telling me to just wait. What should I do? I can't cross my fingers and hope it will get better.

I can't afford to take any more time off work. I feel stuck having to just try and keep it together. It seems like a sinking ship though.

Just some thoughts.

I am not going to edit that...it made sense to me at the time.

This forum is exactly what I needed, thanks.

P

[Eowyn]

Hi, Philippe,

Welcome to the forum. It truly is the one place where many of us feel that other people "get it." Hope you find the support you need here.

I can really relate to a lot of what you wrote. I was a teacher and pushed through the first week after my concussion before breaking down and realizing I needed to see a doctor. My rationale was, "They will just tell me to rest and I don't have time to rest."

I ended up having to take off the entire second semester because my body forced me to take the rest I needed. I tried to go back part-time at the beginning of this school year and had many days of "faking happy" as you describe. That ended a few weeks ago after I had to go home early, in tears, several days in a row.

Your body knows what it can do. In the past, I have often tried to ignore or "push through" my symptoms, but now I am learning to trust my body. It has been really hard for me as I am used to being very productive and getting lots done. Some days I just can't do that any more.

So now I am job-less, applying for disability, and trying not to panic about what that means for my family financially. But it's all I can do right now, so it has to be enough.

Hope you find a way to make your job work for you so you don't end up hurting yourself more.

[greenfrog]

Welcome and sorry to hear about your head injury. This is a very supportive community and there is lots of good information in these threads. Here is one you might want to check out:

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread140214.html

[ginnie]

I sure am glad you found this site too. Welcome to Neruo Talk. I found this site by accident too, and since have found alot of support. You will also find people here who can relate to brain injuries. What you describe has been part of others lives too. This injury does take time to heal. I hope alot of other people will come by to offer suggestions, and help as you try to deal with the side effects. I am sorry work is so difficult. When a person is injured, you just can't fake feeling well. Here at least you will find some understanding and real compassion. Depression happens to alot of people when they find themselves sick or injured. It may help if you continue to journal and keep track of all the side effects, and the emotional part of what has happened to you. If you choose to see another physician, perhaps a neruologist, you will have those notes to show him how this is hurting your life. I just wanted to stop and say hello, offer a friendly voice, and welcome you here. This site has helped me through traumas with good information. ginnie

[Klaus]

Welcome to the forum. This is definitely the place to be, my experience is that you will find more useful information here on your particular difficulties than you will get from almost any doctor.

I am trying hard to fake being well so I can move on.

Most of us, including me, have made this mistake so don't think I am criticising you. You can't move on by faking being well, only by actually getting better. Since getting better involves giving your brain the rest it needs, faking being well will actually make you worse. I was able to unconvincingly fake being well for a week or two before I was overwhelmed.

The problem is that because we can't see our injury, noone else seems to understand it and often our own insight is affected, in the beginning we don't quite believe in the reality of what has happened. We think that if we just fake being well for long enough it will somehow magically disappear. If you were walking around on a broken leg trying to pretend that you were ok you would only be making it worse, and it's the same with the demands you are making on your injured brain.

Sounds to me like you need more time off work, so I'd advise you to stop faking and start healing. You may find that your employer is more understanding than you think - if not then you'll get by somehow and your brain is more important than your job. Before my injury I would have gotten really stressed about the idea of losing my job - never again. When you've experienced the terror of being trapped in a brain that doesn't work properly nothing else seems scary anymore.

Others will have more to add but my advice would be:-

Rest, including cognitive rest (so not much TV, stimulating music, and no computer games.) Audiobooks are a good way to pass the time. Sleep as much as you can. This includes being off work for as long as you need it.

Nutrition, have lots of antioxidants (fruits and veg, especially bright or dark coloured fruits like blueberries) and fish oils. Avoid saturated fats and MSG.

Avoid caffeine and DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL even if you think you are better (many of us seem to have had devastating relapses by doing this).

I found this article very useful both for my own understanding and for convincing others that I am not making it up or being a hypochondriac:-

http://bjp.rcpsych.org/content/183/4/276.full

Also watch the 'You look great!' youtube series.

Best wishes!

[Klaus]

One more very important thing that I forgot. The chemicals released into your brain when you are stressed or anxious will be very bad for it and will hinder recovery. You have a lot to be stressed about, but you need to learn to distance/detach yourself from this stress. Of course it's not easy but you need to take control of such emotions and stay calm. This ability will, I imagine, continue to be useful to you after you get better so there's a positive!

Good luck!

[JulieRN]

I can relate to the "fake happiness" all too well....I returned to my position as an RN Clinical Nurse Manager 3 months post injury...I fought to act "normal".."happy" and to "pretend" that I was really OK....my family and friends picked up on the changes....

9 months later, I was back out of work and here I am today...doing the best I can with what I can (and I am very stubborn by nature lol)...I try not to get too hard on myself when I suffer setbacks (which I'm dealing with now)...I pray for the good days and enjoy them to to best I can...I go with the bad days as well, but it is really difficult...really, really!!!

I still have my "why me" moments...and I'm OK with it...because it's how I have to deal with this...I am grateful for the day I found this site...just when I thought I was all alone, I found out...I wasn't

I've completely lost my point (which is my norm now)...and I can't find your post (lol)...Everyone here that I have interacted with has been incredible..very friendly, supportive and compassionate...you will find a lot of comfort here...

[ginnie]

I don't have TBI but I do understand those that do, and those that have lost their careers and jobs. Just do the best you can. I am glad you found NT too.I have been around almost two years, and always come back here for good support. Hope you continue to get better. ginnie

[themaidquit]

I was so happy to read in Julie's signature about "hot flashes". I teach school and had to keep the window open all week, poor kids were a little chilly, I was so comfortable. This has been going on for a few weeks.