I won't lie...I cheated and started playing a simple game on my Android. I was doing fine for a few days and then 2 nights ago while I was in the middle of a game...I suddenly went blank. I couldn't think at all. My mom asked me a question and it was like my brain didn't know how to respond anymore...I was lost for words. This is a new symptom for me.
..its different than my brain fog that I speak of because I can't "feel" my brain being tied in a knot...I'm just blank.

I stopped playing that night. Now, the past two nights I've had the same thing happen to me by just posting a long message on here.

I'm barely able to work. Right now I have an editing assistantship through my department which is only about 5 hours/week. It's mostly proofreading and copyediting hard copies of accepted journal submisssions, which I can manage, but it's just about all the reading I can do. Going through a volume of papers in a period of a few days stresses me out so much that I have to take a break from reading for a week or so afterward, and usually by the time I'm ready to start reading again, it's time for another round of editing. This is contract work that ends at the end of May; as of that time, I will be unemployed and, if I'm lucky, on Medicaid.

My OCD is "pure obsessional," which is a misnomer, since pure obsessionals have mental compulsions. But the gist of it is that I get horrible intrusive thoughts stuck in my head that cause unbearable anxiety. I've been managing it pretty well the past few years, but it still pops up now and then. Feel free to shoot me a private message anytime about your OCD. There is nothing you could tell me that would shock me; I've heard about all the different bizarre subtypes. (Anyone on this forum should feel free to email me with OCD questions.)

It sounds like you're feeling a little better now. If so, I'm very glad. Hang in there, man. When you're sitting there in the dark too messed up to do anything, remember that I'm probably doing the same thing.

Pete

When you feel you are being so 'good', making all these sacrifices of everything that makes life enjoyable so that your symptoms will get better, and they aren't changing, that was the most depressing time for me as well.

As well as having the horribleness of PCS, you get this terrible feeling on top that it's all just so UNFAIR. I think there's something deep in most people's psyche that wants to see the world as an ordered place where good things come to people who do the right things, and this sort of unfairness really gets to us.

I found it helpful to consciously let go of this idea that things should be fair. I was making all those sacrifices because they were my only chance of getting better, not because they guaranteed that I would. There was nobody judging me for doing the right thing and rewarding me with improvement, it was just me, on my own, giving my body the best chance I could of recovery. It was definitely liberating to think that way.

I imagine this was easier for me as an athiest. For you perhaps looking at the story of Job or something like that, in that his sufferings were not 'fair' and he was not helped by God for some time, but ultimately it was all part of God's plan and turned out fine in the end. I'm sure it won't be the first time you've considered that story.

For me, I went through a period of inexplicably not getting better despite doing all the right things, it was as I say very depressing, and eventually I started to improve again. I would predict that the same will happen for you.

Nick,

You need to find a way to progress with stimulating your brain in easy, low levels. Isn't the saying, "when idle minds.." and in the end you go crazy? Or something like that.

Maybe there's a small project you can concentrate on that has nothing to do with electronics. Do something that will make you feel good and accomplished afterwards. Maybe you can help your mom with something around the house.

Painting and drawing, or some sort of arts and crafts may help. Do something simple to get your brain stimulated again and then take periodic breaks.

If you want some inspiration, I'm at work right now with earplugs typing this in and I take periodic breaks during the day, a long one after lunch and then it's back to work/stimulation.

Give yourself some time to work out a plan, then execute it, then tweak it as you go along. Maybe even think of things you wouldn't normally do that might challenge your brain, but not too difficult you can't succeed so as to preserve your morale.

I don't think anyone is getting what I'm saying...okay, let me explain. You know how we all have a threshold of what our brain can take? You know...15 minutes on the computer, 30 minutes watching TV, one conversation on the phone per day...etc...and we know if we cross that line there will be trouble.

My complaint is I'm getting WORSE!!...meaning my threshold is getting smaller and smaller. I was able to watch TV before and now I can't. I used to play video games and now I can't. Now, I can't write one post on here without getting wiped out for the rest of the day. Why is this happening? It's not that I'm doing everything I need to do to improve my recovery and not seeing any results, it's that I'm getting WORSE.

I slept 13 hours last night...I thought that's what I needed, just a bunch of sleep to reboot my brain...you'd think I'd wake up refreshed today, right? Nope. I woke up feeling like I was still in a dream or something. Completely....delirious, slow, dumb, broken....About an hour after I woke up, I got a phone call from a friend...I've been ignoring his calls for weeks because I've been terrible at conversations...well my social skills seem to have improved recently, so I answered. Wow. I couldn't even talk....I didn't even know how to reply to anything he was saying. My brain just feels like it's more broken than it was a month ago...or a week ago instead of staying the same or getting better.

I wonder if I should get that MRI my new neurologist requested.

bh_pcs, thank you for the kind words and suggestions. My problem is...I can't do anything...at all. I tried drawing and I became a space cadet. Anything that requires me to think wipes me out. I'm scared to try anything anymore because when I get overstimulated now, my brain shuts down COMPLETELY and puts me in this extremely uncomfortable mind-state....extremely....uncomfortable....and it will stay that way for the entire day, or sometimes 3 days.

Sorry I'm just frustrated. I'm seriously screwed up and getting worse all the time...I don't know what else to do...Hopefully this NUCCA specialist I'm seeing tomorrow finds that my brain stem has been compressed this whole time and works a miracle on me.

I can only hope.

Wow, I can't even imagine what you are going through. That MRI sounds like a good idea at this point and I'm going to pray for you tonight and ask that God bless you with a miracle for your PCS to start going in the healing direction( even though you are a Cowboys fan :) - "Insert Redskins Emoticon here" ).

Yeah, it's horrible. I don't wish this kind of suffering on anyone.

LOL about the Cowboys comment.

I won't even get started on the Redskins...:cool:

I'm scheduling another appointment to get my blood pressure in check and also see about getting my sinus infection treated...if that doesn't work and the NUCCA adjustment doesn't work, I don't know what else to do.

I'm probably going to get that MRI done that my new neurologist requested to see if there is any further lesions.

I'm seriously screwed up :(...

hello new smith
 

I really wish I had some words of comfort. I have known the depression you are going though, and have locked myself away for long periods of time like you are doing. I didn't have the brain trauma, I had an emotional trauma. I also had alot of medical issues to deal with at the sametime.I did go for council. I did start taking medications too for the depression. I told all my doctors what happened to me, and I finally got a pro-bono lawyer.

What got me out of this really started when I found this site. I was on overload, and could not cope with anything. If you can keep coming back here, even for a little while each day, it will give you some strengh and encouragement to keep trying. I wish you were not alone. I was lucky to have a friend that lives with me who helped me to get out of bed. Truthfully, I may be better with my physical parts, but this emotional stuff still gets to me. Beating back depression is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.
Since there is no resolution with my situation, I cannot resolve my emotional issues. I have to take part of my family to court. Until these issues are resolved in court, I am stuck in this funk, and still dealing with the physical stuff too. This site has helped me more than I can express.
None of what you are going through is easy. I don't think any of us has magic to make it go away. I only know that I get some strength from the other people here who can and do relate to the problems I have. That compassion has helped me more than anything else. I want my old life back too, and I 'm not going to get that no matter what I do. You kind of have to accept where you are at, and then try to move forward the best way you can. If you can get council, with someone who will have compassion and give you some coping skills, that may help you to make the first steps.

I hope you will come back here and keep trying to express what you are feeling. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. Even with your injury.
Things can and do get better with the right kind of help. If you try to reach out, this site and the people here won't let you down. The brokenness you feel can get better. I have come to accept, things I never thought I could before. I pray alot too. It starts to get better when you allow others to reach out back to you. I also hope you can do some kind of distraction from the depression, take a break, I read, and found I go to some place, any place than where I am at. Great Escape and it works. Even if it is just a paragraph. Your focus chances to something else. I really do care about the folks I meet here, and that includes you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts. ginnie