[EsthersDoll]

So, I went to my parents house on Saturday to celebrate my birthday. My stepmom is "in charge" and we arrived past the time that I eat lunch because their house is an hour and a half away from mine. I needed to eat and no one told me when I was going to get to... I had several snacks though.

I was "told" that I was going to conduct a scavenger hunt with my 10 year old nephew and my 5 year old niece. I didn't want to. I was tired and I didn't feel like it. My boyfriend understood my reluctance but he didn't communicate it for me. When I asked him why later he said it's not his responsibility. I didn't think it was, I just wanted him to help me to communicate what I was unable to. he usually helps me and reminds me to pace myself. I didn't even realize that I could say "no, that's not good for me, I can't do that". And to be put on the spot like that with my niece and nephew was doubly disappointing. I felt very obligated to try. Half way through it I totally broke down. It was just too much for me. I abandoned everyone and went inside and laid down. Before the accident I was in, I would have laughed and talked with them and ran around the yard with gusto. But that's not now.

I'm still pretty upset that I was even expected to be able to do that. I've always been the daughter to live up to the expectations given to me (I'm the oldest). I feel like a total failure because I can't now.

I asked my boyfriend to get me lunch. My stepmom seemed frustrated that I needed lunch earlier than the family was going to eat.

Saturday was supposed to be my birthday celebration and it ended up giving me a major setback. I could do NOTHING yesterday. I think it's been months since I was so bad off. Today, I'm still dizzy and unable to do as much as I could before Saturday's celebration. I'm pretty upset.

My parents just did not understand before yesterday that everything I do, each sentence I say, is still such a struggle for me - and that's on my good days. I try to tell them what it's like, but I don't see them very often and we don't speak on the phone much either. I was very successful and capable before the accident and now I'm basically disabled compared to how I was before. I'm not legally disabled, because I make too much money - even working only twenty hours a week - which are still a huge struggle for me and it's just so frustrating that I'm like this! I don't speak as well as I used to and I am still unable to even drive on the freeway because my brain just can't handle it - there are too many variables to pay attention to and they're all moving too fast and I have trouble just being a passenger on the freeway. It's so disheartening. I've been recovering for more than 21 months. I'm still getting better, but on days like this I just feel awful in so many ways.

I texted my stepmom to tell her that I'm just not as well as they think I am. They realized that on Saturday. I explained to her that it might take me years to get back to the person I was before the accident. She seemed to think I was just being pessimistic. I don't think they have an understanding about what's going on with me. I don't think they want to.

I know I'll be better after some rest. I don't know how long it will take, days or weeks to get better back to where I was last week. But it's just so damn depressing and frustrating. Last night I had insomnia caused by just the mere thought that the auto accident I was in has taken away my ability to drive on the freeway. That's so not right! That's so unfair! (I know this thinking is futile, but I get it every once in a while.)

My parents think it's best for me not to come out again for a while. What is that? A supportive suggestion or a punishment? I'm not really sure.

I'm so sad about this situation. I just want to be normal again!

I know everyone on this board feels the same way about themselves and their loved ones... I just needed to vent.