Since the very beginning of my recovery, I've been doing nothing but progressing backwards. I've been through 3 different neurologists, a NUCCA chiropractor, nurse practitioner and a neuropsychologist. I've had tons of visits to the emergency room, CT scans, MRIs, EEGs and regular blood tests. I've attended a brain injury rehabilitation program for a little over a month now. Not one of these doctors or therapists that I've seen have ever witnessed what I'm going through.

For awhile there, I was starting to believe that it was just psychological. My neurologist and case manager repeated this to me over and over again...So, I started to think...Maybe they were right? I stopped the constant worry about how bad my cognitive stuff was, stayed focused on my therapy and recovery and started to move forward with my life. The second week I was at NCEP, was probably the best I've felt in a long time. I felt like I was on top of the world! If my symptoms stayed that way for the rest of my life, I would have been okay with that. But, they didn't. Every week since then, its gotten worse and worse.

Now, its completely unbearable. 2 Fridays ago, we went to Red Rock for a client/staff outing @ NCEP. Ever since that day, I've been screwed up beyond recognition...and its only gotten worse. I was so frustrated yesterday, I called my girlfriend and started to go off on her for things that weren't even true! I was claiming to have seen her with another guy, I was accusing her of cheating - and I was rambling on and on until she finally said "BABE!!!! You are COMPLETELY out of it!!!". Last night, I picked my son up and got on the wrong bus...twice, going the wrong direction. My sense of direction was completely off and I felt like a dementia patient.

I've been walking around the house today in a cloud of confusion. Not really sure what to say or do, my mind is just broken and my words are hardly making sense. I'm really worried...This has been going on for two weeks....Well, longer but its been two weeks of it being this bad. I know there are setbacks but I've never experienced a true setback. Just cognitive declines that don't go away.

I've been under a lot of stress lately...Not only is this crap going on with my brain injury, but I've been bouncing from place to place with my girlfriend and kids, my unemployment ran out, SSI doesn't look like they are going to approve me (they sent me to a psychologist that gave me the easiest psychological exam known to mankind), I'm living in my mother's living room now (on the floor) and my girlfriend and kids are staying downtown with a so-called friend, that wants to kick her out everyday, my kid's insurance got cut off because Welfare mistakenly thought I was working for a company I've never even heard of, NCEP wants to discharge me because they don't see me making any progress (my counselor said I'm progressing backwards)....I know stress does weird things to people with brain injuries, but when the stressful situation is over and I'm only thinking positive, why doesn't it ever go away.

I seriously want to jump off a bridge. Next month will be a year...if this is all my brain is going to heal, then I guess I'm screwed up for life. That website about TBI myths was right...there is no recovery. Despite all this crap going on with me, I've remained positive in hopes of what I'm experiencing isn't permanent (even though it very much seems like it) and it will pass any day now. My kids need me to be strong for them, and I'm very much so trying to be...but I'm afraid that I won't ever make it out of this cognitive decline.

I went from no symptoms, to mild symptoms, to severe symptoms with overstimulation, to having severe cognitive problems from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. Even if I spend my entire day relaxing at home, I'm completely messed up 24/7. Its pure torture.

I'm requesting another MRI...Even though I hope it doesn't show my brain shrinking, I guess if it did, I would at least have some answers. I read earlier today there actually HAVE been cases of early onset of Alzheimer's and dementia in patients as young as 28.

This turned into a huge vent, I guess.