I really don't know where else to turn. I guess all I can say is I feel Jr. Seau's mindset *edit*. I say that because I really feel I understand his life complications. I played football for a Division 1 university, I guess I would have been known as a head hunter. I just looooved nothing more than running as fast and hard as possible into collision......there was nothing better. I didn't care if it knocked me out in the process, I didn't know how to play any other way. "I tell you all this to give some insight into who I was and who I am." From a young age, well as a true freshman I got the opportunity to play. I certainly won't say I was the most talented but I wanted to be brutal....and I didn't care if I was playing against against a an that was 350, so they put me on the field. I also was a good student, I won't say an overachiever but I certainly got done what I needed to get done. I was academic all-conference my freshman year and had a pretty good handle on college, as it was.....boring.....but relatively easy.

I honestly can't even remember my first concussion. It wasn't just football that I loved but motocross, boxing.....you name it. I was high contact from the day I was born. My first serious one that I remember was at football camp, I didn't know up from down. They did pull me from the camp that day however from what I remember I did finish the next couple days of it. They continued from there. More in high school football, I had one where I don't remember any of the game against UNLV while in college. Knee injuries oddly enough began slowing my promising career. As I said, I played early and had high intentions of playing on. I got another very severe one....probably the worst of all....in a motorcycle accident. I flipped off the bike and the back of the helmet struck a boulder. It was a high dollar helmet I was wearing and it cracked an displaced pieces from near the bottom up the back of the helmet around 5 inches. Clearly would have killed me if not for the helmet.

I was still playing at the time of the accident but was going through knee surgeries......when I healed back up to get back to the field, I began dealing with severe after affects. I'm talking, if I went to touch my toes I would get so sickly dizzy it would take me near the end of the practice to clear them up. This went on for over a year. The count of concussions I had over the years I really don't know. 5-10... I'm not here trying to glorify any of the behavior nor am I asking for a lecture as to my decision making. However, my football career was long drawn out and ended after 5 knee surgeries an a transplant. In all honesty my head was never my hold back, my knee was. I tried and tried to play cause it was all I knew.....from the time I was 7-8 it was my dream. My life was....in season, out of season....it was all I knew. Trying to see life after football was nearly impossible. However, its been years since I played. I ended up graduating with a good degree and received a high paying good job.

From a young age I was always driven. High school I received the pride and leadership award. I wanted to lead....I had a nac for it and men followed. I started projects and finished them. While going to school and playing ball I decided to build a chopper....so I found ways on the side to come up with 25,000 and build my dream bike. I started and finished in around a year. People saw me as the leader. I was the guy who would walk through a wall because it was there and continue walking to prove a point.

So here I am today. For many years I thought it was that I couldn't get past losing football.......being a star.....being the name everyone knew. I thought that many of my problems were rooted from an inability to accept my fate, which was not to pursue my dream. I've struggled with drugs....from the day football got done honestly. I was on for my last knee injury and just seems like its been something ever since. I've been off sometimes but my mind overwhelms me. So for many years I've blamed myself.......hated myself......hated the mirror.

I ended up losing the high paying job I had. I couldn't concentrate to save my life......I just couldn't do it. On some projects that were hands on with a daily schedule, I was not only good but the highest outputting production manager on the job but outside of that I was a disaster. My mind was in a million places. We parted ways 3 years ago. I started my own motorcycle shop....I had always done it on the side and figured it would be a great opportunity for me to get back to what I did in the past. From the time I was young I could make money, I could take an 82 honda 100, fix it sell it and end up with a car....it was just how I was. I started this business 3 years ago and aside from the 30 month build to start it, I can't concentrate on one thing long enough to get ***** done. I struggle heavily with depression......My mind drives me insane. It takes me 30 minutes to get to the kwik shop because of the process I have to go through to get ready.

I don't know why I'm writing this tonight, I really don't. I guess for some reason I picked up the guitar tonight, as I began to play I just started to think of what a different person I used to be. People wouldn't even recognize the man I now......for some reason I just started thinking about all my head injuries. My mom was convinced if I didn't stop playing the brain injuries would kill me. Obviously when yur that age and invincible I never thought it would affect me. But has it.....has my personality changed that much from head trauma, my ability to coordinate, my ability think. If I can actually get myself on a project only God himself could stop me from doing it. I decided to write a book.....and 3 days later I had a 20 chapter book.....but I can't will myself into those things. Its like I'm a victim of my own mind. I'm incredibly larthargic...however you spell that....all the time. I'm always tired. I'm angry and frustrated. I used to take the time to figure things out...now I try to and I just get ****** when I can't get it. I don't know a lot about head trauma....I know I've had a lot of it....but thats about the extent of my knowledge. I don't know how long I can live like this. I live day to day. I used to manage money, now I can't...... Is there fixes? Am I creating my own problems in mind? Any responses would be greatly appreciated since whoever reads this will be one of the only people who actually have a window into my brain.

ram,

Welcome to NeuroTalk. You have quite a story of abuse of your brain.

There are plenty of things you can do to help yourself.

The first thing to do is slow down and choose a simpler lifestyle. It can take discipline to life a full life with PCS and in your case, Multiple Impact Syndrome.

It will help to get on a good healthy nutrition regimen. The injured brain needs good nutrition and no toxins. No alcohol, caffeine, MSG, artificial sweeteners (aspartame is the worst), intensely sweet food like High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Many of us are on a vitamin supplement regimen that helps our brains detoxify and function better. We can elaborate on that later.

I could not read your whole post because I get lost reading paragraphs longer than 5 lines so I can not address other issues you mentioned. I was able to skim to get some of what I needed to reply.

I hope this helps.

My best to you.