I'm new to this site. My wife (44)suffered a TBI in a M/C vs. pickup accident almost 4 years ago.
She has no memory of me prior to accident. We had only been married 6 months and 3 days. Our dating life and even our wedding pictures are a mystery to her. She also suffered from severe short term memory loss. If something is not in her life every day she will forget it.
She is paralyzed on her left side, wheelchair bound, and needs help around the clock.( potty, dressing, in and out of bed, food prep etc.)
Due to the accident I have had to retire. I do have caregivers to help during the day, but its just she and I after 5 every night.
At 51 years old my life is far from over, but getting my wife to go somewhere is like pulling teeth. she hates to get out of her comfort zone. (home recliner bed tv)
Our relationship is much more father/daughter than it is husband/wife. We have separate bedrooms, she asks my permission to do things, no intimacy etc.
Help! I love my wife and will never leave her side, but I am going crazy after 4 years. I am open for suggestions. Thank you

Hi Odruss,
Let me start off by saying I am very sorry for your wife's injury and welcome you to NeuroTalk. You will find a lot of support here.

You seem like a very loving and supportive spouse and that is to be commemded. I am sorry for your lonliness, but hopefully people here will be able to give you some advise on easing it. Are there any TBI support groups in your area?

Your post caught my eye as I am the same age as your wife and although I am making huge improvements since my blunt head trauma, I am not the same woman my husband married in many ways. I can understand your wife not wanting to leave her comfort zone.... and I know it has to be terribly hard on you.

I wish I had some words of encouragement or great advice to offer, but the words just aren't there today. In any case, I wanted to let you know there are lots of people here who will understand and be here when you need to talk. I wish more spouses were as dedicated as you.

Take Care.

Are there care giver support meetings in your area? I highly reccomend you find one. I know its sounds really really selfish to say "i need ME time!" but the truth is you can only give from that cup so long till its empty. Then...when you start giving from an empty place its painful, you start to resent her, you start to feel angry that she gets all the affection and you get all the dishes! What about ME! I know we say it in our heads, and wouldnt dare allow our spouse to believe for one teeny second that they are not worth the climb, but HELP ME!

If you cant find meetings, then you MUST start doing things while the care givers are there. If she wont go...go without her! Fish, hunt, Bowl, bingo, church, walk thru the woods, sing a song in the forest, visit with family, friends, neighbors, or go to the local amusement park without her. At first you will feel guilty and think OMG how can I leave her back there. once you start refilling that cup, you will realize that YOU are NO GOOD to her if you are broken too. She is not in a position to be able to care for you, and you must stand up and care for yourself.

its horrible when a marriage is no longer 50/50. The truth of the matter is most men would have split long ago, and left her in the hands of strangers. You say she cant remember unless you are there everyday, and they would pray she forgot them. God Bless you for not hitting the ground running. its takes big men to do what you are doing.

Look at the caregivers. There is a reason they come in shifts. They get burned out if they give 24 hours a day. When a woman is in labor, there is a reason the nurses tend to her, and the MD swoops in at the last minute to grab the baby. He would not be able to sit at every bed side or he would be a babbling mess.

Do you have a pastor? PLEASE speak to your church. Perhaps more volunteers can come, perhaps even overnight so you can spend a few nights away. Perhaps one of them will have the magic touch to get her into the sun for something other than MD appointments.

If you want to do things with her, then know that right now, she isnt leaving her nest. Bring home movies and watch them on the TV. Pop corn, bring a soda in a fancy glass. Make it an event. Have a massage therapist come to the house and give you both a couples massage. Play a board game, put together puzzles, play cards, put your photos in an album and try to jog her memory.

Tell her how much you love her, and tell her you are coming back by Xo'clock and BE THERE! this will show her that you can be trusted. When X oclock arrives he will return. I dont envy your position, but I admire your courage. Please, find a trustworthy person to confide in. it helps so much.

Thank you for that wonderful encouragement. It means the world to me. I am so happy that I found this sight!