luann,

Have you tried to reach the Adult Protective Services people?

You may need to use a bit of leverage. A question such as "What would happen if I dropped him off at the hospital and left?" may get the message to click in their minds. South Carolina does have a system for helping out. They just need a bit of incentive.

btw, His behaviors are very likely directly caused by his brain injury.

My best to you.

Hopefully he is recovered from his alcohol and drug use. Alcohol or other drugs will exacerbate his negative behaviors and inhibit his recovery.

http://www.msktc.org/tbi/factsheets/...c-Brain-Injury

http://www.tbicommunity.org/resource...Spring2008.pdf

Hopefully with the Medicaid and the fact that he is getting ssi allows him access to the treatment he needs. Mark is spot on when he states that at 71 the rest of your life shouldn’t be consumed by being his full time caregiver.

That has been suggested but it is so hard to think about. Also when I had to take him to the emergency room once I asked that question. The social worker said she would have to turn me in to DSS for abandonment. I have found out since then that there are no grounds to be charged for that if I am not his guardian or have power of attorney. I was wondering if anyone has had these severe symptoms and come through it.

I did have long term service tell me today they may be able to help with some adult day care several days a week. That will give me some relief until other arrangements can be made. I just worry about them not keeping him with the way he gets angry and cusses everyone out all the time. That is still a few weeks off if they do help. Thanks to all of you for your suggestions and listening it helps a lot.

These are good sites, thanks. I hope when his memory comes back some he will not go back to it. He does mentions it once in awhile. Right now he is not able to go out by him self. I am hoping with medicaid and ssi I can get him some more help.

In my experience with people I have known with similar situations, Medicaid social workers will try to dump as much as possible on anybody willing to be a caregiver. I suggested Adult Protective Services because they are tasked with protecting you and your son. The verbal abuse is a legal reason for them to take his care off your hands.

Luann,

I understand your struggle to to put him in some kind of care facility. But, you did your duty 50 years ago. His abuse of alcohol and drugs have likely made any real recovery to a stable behavior very unlikely. He may need the incentive to take part in his own recovery to get allowed out of the facility. It appears he is not active in his own recovery. I bet his rehab was cut short because he refused to get with the program.

To help you understand, most spouses in this situation divorce the misbehaving person. The divorce rate with TBI victims exceeds 85% and many are not abusive. You need the same amount of separation. You will be able to visit him and return to a settled household.

I was at our Brain Injury Support Group last night. The caregivers meet privately to support each other. The struggles they have just dealing with the cognitive problems is a big strain. The behavioral issues push many caregivers into deteriorating health and very few are even close to your age.

The alternative is for him to end up locked up behind bars for a criminal act. That criminal act may be against you.

In my experience, as he ages, his behaviors will just get worse. He will eventually need to be in care elsewhere. The sooner he finds a place and learns to fit in, the better he will do. As he ages, he will be less able to learn behaviors to be a responsible patient/client. The important issue is they will know how to deal with his behaviors.

Was he ever in the military? VA may have some options that can help if he was.

Please, consider the need to take care of yourself first. Without your health, he will not have any support. I watched the toll my father's decline into dementia took on my mother. My father got argumentative and loud and it was very difficult to even witness how she was verbally abused. Fortunately, he deteriorated to a point where he was not aware of conflict for the last year or so. Her and our last memories were of a gentler person.

Please, take care of yourself.

My best to you.

Thanks for your advice I may get in touch with them. I am not sure he can cooperate with or take part in his own recovery, as he does not not remember things from one minute to the next. When I leave the room and say I am going to the kitchen to fix supper he will hollow for me and ask where am I and what am I doing. If He calls someone's name and I tell him they are not here it won't be long before he will call them again. If he calls me a MF b---h he says I did not call you that then turn right around and say you are a F lie you M--F b---h.. Then he can be real sweet. It is like he has no short term memory. That is why I am not sure he can help with any rehabilitation. Then again I wonder if he would do better with someone else. I just don't want him thrown in a bed somewhere doped up and forgot about. It is so hard to think about, like at four in the morning and he wakes up and sometimes he thinks he is in a hole and sometimes talking to people and hollowing at them. I can get up and talk to him and cover him up and say I love you he will say I love you to Mama and he will go back to sleep and sometimes not. But no one in another place will be there to try and comfort him. Some times he seems to be really afraid or scared.

I understand I have to do something because my nerves are shot even though I know all the things he says may be from the injuries. It is just listening to it all day long that gets to you.

Again thanks for the advice. It helps to talk to someone who understands. I am glad you have had some success with your recovery.

Hie rehab was cut short because he had no insurance. I have since learned if I had refused to bring him home they would have had to find a place for him. But at the time I did not realize what I was getting into.

My son asked if I could let you know that he has probably blacked out some times, and probably does not know what he is saying or what people are saying to him. My son asked me to tell you that he was like that, but that he did not understand what was going on then and that if you can get him to a cabin in the woods or just away from all people and any problems that overwork his brain so that his brain can heal. He asked me to let you know that you can not help him by being around him or any one else either. Just that his only hope would be quiet and privacy.

If he was able to be on his own that might help, he still has problems doing everything on his own. He has problems walking completely on his own,he has incontinence problems I have to help him getting changed and with bathing. He is having to live with me and mostly his brother comes by a couple times a day and that is about all the people. He has never liked being by his self before the accident. He calls people like they are here when they are not,I guess some are his friends, some I know and some I don't. Then he gets mad when they don't answer or if I say they are not here and cusses me out, calls me very vulgar names. He gets upset very easily about everything if I ask him what he said he gets upset, if I don't answer the way he thinks I should he gets mad. He even sometimes cusses the people on the TV. He does not remember where the bathroom is or where the kitchen is. He wakes up about 4 in the morning and will lay there talking and hollowing at me and other people. He just needs more help than I can give and I am trying available sources to get him help. Thanks for the advice.

Trecker,

Welcome to NeuroTalk. If sounds like you have a son who is struggling with PCS. You have found a good place for support. Please feel free to introduce yourself and tell us how we can help you. There are years and decades of experience with PCS here.

My best to you.

Louann,

Sounds like your son qualifies seriously for state services. Please use the leverage you have to get him the care he needs. The responsibilities you are trying to take on are far more than you can handle. It sounds like the same tasks my mother had with my dad, except he was not so abusive during his last few years.

We are here to support you.

I have went online and found a list and called about 24 facilities and they all say they will put him on their waiting list which seems to be a long one. He has been approved for a waiver from South Carolina Long Term Care which will give a little help with supplies, meals, and some adult day care. This may give me a little relief but as I understand it they just keep them a few hours a day and have some activities for them. This does not help him a whole lot. I think I will call adult protection as you suggested, that is about the last resort I have. I have talked to several social workers one from the long term care and the Head and spinal cord injuries of South Carolina (HASCI). I have told them both I want placement and not just home care. It is like you said earlier they do try to get you to keep them at home. They say they can not place him but all they can do is evaluate him that he needs a certain level of care which they have done as needing intermediate care. I still have to find a place that will accept him. In the mean time I can get the little help I mentioned above. I am also going to call his primary care Dr. he had taken him off of respidone that they had him on in the hospital and put him on an excelon patch which they use on people with Alzheimer to improve short term memory. It does not seem to help I have used it a month, I am thinking he did better with the respidone. Do you know anything about these two medicines?