This is ridiculous!

I'm almost two years out from my injury and it only gets worse and worse for me. I read about other people's experience with their recovery and it makes me frustrated because mine is nothing like it. Yes, I understand the saying goes "You seen one head injury, you seen ONE head injury" and everyone's recovery will be different, but show me just ONE person's story that says they decline more and more every month that passes. It's non-existant. That's why I feel so damn alone because I have not one person who I can relate to.

No matter how much rest I get, no matter how much stress I avoid, medicines I take or don't take, vitamins/supplements I take, doctors I see, rehab programs I visit and stimulation I avoid, it seems like nothing works. My mom keeps telling me to just do what makes me feel better. There is nothing that makes me feel better! Okay, I lied, every once in awhile if I dope myself up on Lortabs, it will increase my mood and make me not give a crap if I can't function. That's about it. Even spending time with my son is frustrating because I can't keep up with him and it frustrates me that I can't do much with him. I've tried everything in the last year and 8 months to get better and nothing works.

Every time I find something that makes me feel better, it only works once or once in awhile and then it doesn't work again for awhile. For instance, my seizure medication, Keppra. The first time I took it, I swear I felt normal again. My thoughts were coming in so clearly and my speech was very intelligent and articulate. Next day, I take the same dose and it makes me function worse. I tried upping the dose and that didn't work, so I stopped taking it. I started back up recently, it did the same thing. Made me function well the first time and every other day afterwards it made me feel worse.

Draw Something on my phone. I started playing and for a few days, it helped with my mood and brain functioning. After that, it made me feel worse. I stopped playing for a couple weeks before trying again....and it still made me worse. I can't even read one page of my book without my brain getting flooded.

For the last few weeks, I've spent 90% of my days just hiding out in my room. I will either stare at the ceiling, play some brain games on my phone or try and read my book. Nothing seems to help and even if I just stare at the ceiling, my brain is still flooded. I can hardly schedule a doctor appointment because I feel like don't know what to say on the phone.

One of my therapists awhile back said to stop focusing on what I can't do and think about.what I CAN do.....let's see:

Wake up. Breathe. Stare at the ceiling. Oh, stare at the wall. Wait wait....I know. Open my eyes.

This is complete and utter torture. For those of you with really bad headaches and dizziness, PLEASE be thankful that's all you have to deal with. I can't even watch a TV show with my son, take him to the park, schedule my own doctor appointment or read a book.

I'm almost 2 years out with symptoms that are far, FAR worse than what they were immediately after the injury.

Back to counting the popcorn/bumps on my ceiling.